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The SelfWork Podcast

Depression, anxiety, and personal emotional struggles, are hard to manage on their own. You can feel very lonely in that battle. And so many people either can’t or won’t try therapy. It’s too weird, it’s too expensive, or you’re nervous about trying it. SelfWork can help you begin that healing, or be an addition to the work you’re already doing, as I offer compassionate common-sense directions, ideas and goals toward the changes you want to make. I’ve been a psychologist for over 25 years; and here at SelfWork, I let you in on what I’ve learned from people just like you.

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003 SelfWork: Perfectly Hidden Depression Pt. 1

Are you struggling with loneliness, exhaustion, even depression but no one knows it but you? Do you have trouble admitting vulnerability? Do you keep a facade of having it all together, when you realize at some level there’s something wrong? If so, this podcast is for you. Perfectly Hidden Depression (PHD) isn’t a diagnosis, but […] The post 003 SelfWork: Perfectly Hidden Depression Pt. 1 appeared first on Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

21mins

6 Nov 2016

Rank #1

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073 SelfWork: Three Steps To Emotionally Get Control Of Yourself

Welcome to SelfWork! I’m talking about self-control today… especially emotional self-control. We won’t touch on addictions, although they obviously have to do with emotional self-control. We’re talking about in the realm of communication how to maintain self-control when you’re angry, or taken aback, afraid or surprised. There’s a simple mantra that can be helpful — […] The post 073 SelfWork: Three Steps To Emotionally Get Control Of Yourself appeared first on Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

24mins

27 Apr 2018

Rank #2

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047 SelfWork: If You Love (Or Have Loved) A Narcissist

Narcissism has been a hot topic for the past few years, with many people writing about their fate — being attracted to and trying to love someone with narcissistic traits. Dr. Margaret talks clearly about what narcissism is and what it’s not, as well as offering five recognitions about your own role in the furor […] The post 047 SelfWork: If You Love (Or Have Loved) A Narcissist appeared first on Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

25mins

27 Oct 2017

Rank #3

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077 SelfWork: Confronting Negativity And “Feeling Stuck” In Depression

When you’re trying to move out of depression, negativity and “feeling stuck” — feeling hopeless about change — can be your worst enemies. How do you get your energy going outward instead of imploding inward? It’s often not easy. Here’s a simple exercise that can help you do just that. Even if you’re not depressed, […] The post 077 SelfWork: Confronting Negativity And “Feeling Stuck” In Depression appeared first on Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

20mins

25 May 2018

Rank #4

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SelfWork 160: The Sexless Marriage. Is There A Way Back?

Welcome to 2020 and more SelfWork! First, thank you to everyone who’s purchased Perfectly Hidden Depression and left reviews. Those show up on Amazon as a verified purchase and are extremely important offering even more validity. So if you’ve been reading PHD, and when you’re done, two sentences on what you experienced would be extremely gratifying. Today we’re talking about the lack of sexual intimacy that so many couples are experiencing; in fact, research shows that  15 to 20% of committed relationships or marriages had become rarely if ever sexual. We’ll touch on ten of the most common reasons I've seen; some are probably familiar, some may be painful to hear, but some may surprise you. The listener email today is from a man who’s befriended someone with chronic abuse in her past (with a diagnosis of C-PTSD) and asked me for advice on how he can help. Important links: In the US, the sexual abuse hotline number for the US Dr. Pat Love's Hot Monogamy Research study on pornography addiction HuffPost article on the sexless marriage You can hear more about relationships and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

24mins

3 Jan 2020

Rank #5

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086 SelfWork: When You Can Never Be Enough — Loving Someone with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)

            I’ll be talking about borderline personality disorder today and of the exhaustion and guilt that someone who’s trying to love then can feel. You’ll rarely if ever be enough due to their immense and irrational fears of abandonment. I’ll offer nine ways to try to ease that guilt — […] The post 086 SelfWork: When You Can Never Be Enough — Loving Someone with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) appeared first on Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

24mins

20 Jul 2018

Rank #6

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061 SelfWork: Three Very Practical Exercises To Boost Your Self-Esteem

There’s lots of information out there about how to stop beating yourself up or how to increase your self-esteem. But how do-able is it? I’m always interested in practical ways people can approach problems, or “What You Can Do About It.” So I’m offering three practical exercises for you to try — things that I’ve […] The post 061 SelfWork: Three Very Practical Exercises To Boost Your Self-Esteem appeared first on Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

23mins

2 Feb 2018

Rank #7

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033 SelfWork: How Self-Esteem And Self-Acceptance Work Together, Even With Depression

What is the relationship between self-esteem and self-acceptance? And how do you manage to hang on to either when you’re experiencing depression? Dr. Margaret gives you her perspective, with the offering that no one fact about you defines you as a person. She also describes the difference between resignation and acceptance, and how the latter […] The post 033 SelfWork: How Self-Esteem And Self-Acceptance Work Together, Even With Depression appeared first on Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

18mins

5 Aug 2017

Rank #8

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116 SelfWork: Do You Have Perfectly Hidden or High Functioning Depression? And Why Does It Matter?

What’s the difference, or is there one, between Perfectly Hidden Depression and what’s called high-functioning depression? I’m particularly motivated – in fact very sadly motivated – to talk about it because of an email I received this week from a woman whose husband killed himself. He was in his early 40’s. And no one could […] The post 116 SelfWork: Do You Have Perfectly Hidden or High Functioning Depression? And Why Does It Matter? appeared first on Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

20mins

15 Feb 2019

Rank #9

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004 SelfWork: Perfectly Hidden Depression Pt. 2

This podcast is the second in a series of two on what Dr. Margaret calls “Perfectly Hidden Depression.” PHD isn’t a diagnosis, but a syndrome, or group of characteristics that are found together, and serve to help you deny or ignore depression that’s kept far underneath the surface. Your life looks perfect. You’re active and […] The post 004 SelfWork: Perfectly Hidden Depression Pt. 2 appeared first on Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

23mins

21 Nov 2016

Rank #10

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What Is A Victim Mentality? Or Emotional Martyrdom? SelfWork #153

The victim mentality or emotional martyrdom are personality traits that are very difficult to handle in relationships. It's when someone people pleases to the point of intense self-sacrifice, which leads to bitterness, misunderstanding and drama. At its base is immense insecurity, but it takes a lot of insight for someone with this mentality to see themselves and their impact on others objectively. Today I'll describe the major characteristics and what patterns of behavior someone who is in a relationship with an emotional martyr may observe. This episode is airing on what is an important day for me. Perfectly Hidden Depression, my book on breaking free from damaging and destructive perfectionism,  is available as of today in both paperback form and as an ebook or Kindle. You can read more about it and order here!  To celebrate, we’ve updated SelfWork a bit – a new cover and a slightly new name, The SelfWork Podcast. Simply a freshening up of what has become one of my favorite ways of reaching out! Today's listener email is from a young mom who is struggling with depression after the birth of her fourth child, but she's calling it "yearning to be alone." We'll talk about how postpartum depression can be something you shame yourself for, rather than for the condition that it is. Important Link: Article from Your Tango by Nancy Carbone You can hear more about perfectly hidden depression and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

23mins

1 Nov 2019

Rank #11

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045 SelfWork: Self-Compassion. What It Is And Why It’s Vital

Dr. Margaret received a fascinating question from a listener recently. “How do I learn to feel my feelings, when I’ve been suppressing them for years?” The key is self-compassion, and it’s vital in healing from depression, anxiety or what I term perfectly hidden depression. Dr. Margaret focuses on self-compassion, giving examples from her own patients […] The post 045 SelfWork: Self-Compassion. What It Is And Why It’s Vital appeared first on Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

26mins

13 Oct 2017

Rank #12

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129 SelfWork: Challenging and Changing Negative Self-Talk

We’re talking self-talk here today. What is it? And what can you do about it? A lot of people tell me they kinda “know” what it is, but haven’t a clue how to change it. It feels as if it’s too elusive. How could you possibly rein in what your mind is telling you about […] The post 129 SelfWork: Challenging and Changing Negative Self-Talk appeared first on Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

21mins

17 May 2019

Rank #13

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021 SelfWork: The Ten Traits Of Perfectly Hidden Depression

If you’re an expert at hiding emotional pain, and do it almost perfectly, then this episode is likely to speak to you. Dr. Margaret has been researching and writing about a syndrome she calls Perfectly Hidden Depression for three years. Listen in as she outlines the ten major traits of PHD in the detail that […] The post 021 SelfWork: The Ten Traits Of Perfectly Hidden Depression appeared first on Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

24mins

10 May 2017

Rank #14

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171 SelfWork: Breaking the Habit of Beating Yourself Up

Today we’re going to cover how to begin to stop beating yourself up in a way that may surprise you a little. Because the behavior can seem as if you’re being extra careful or caring. But the habits of beating yourself up – the ways you maintain or fuel that self-doubt – can lead you further down the rabbit hole of shame and emotional paralysis. So let’s get started on “What can you do about it.’ And the listener email is from someone who was asking if I had time to talk with her individually – I wish I had time to do that! But we’ll talk about options for how to make the most out of at least what I have to offer… and some changes I’ve had to make due to the success (which I owe to you!) of SelfWork Important Links: Episode 113 on imposter syndrome You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

22mins

20 Mar 2020

Rank #15

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042 SelfWork: How To Fall Back In Love (Or Make Sure You Stay)

“I’m not in love with you anymore.” These are words that can bring pain, confusion — a total feeling of rejection and emotional abandonment. How do couples try to prevent this from happening? What do you need to do to stay connected and committed? What’s the one question you heed to ask yourself? Dr. Margaret […] The post 042 SelfWork: How To Fall Back In Love (Or Make Sure You Stay) appeared first on Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

22mins

28 Sep 2017

Rank #16

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102 SelfWork: How Do You Feel Your Feelings?

Many people have trouble with connecting with their feelings. I’ve talked a lot about PHD – and certainly those folks have many intense feelings well hidden away. But it’s not only in PHD that this can occur. Many times, I’ve watched someone on the verge of letting go, of allowing an emotion to surface – […] The post 102 SelfWork: How Do You Feel Your Feelings? appeared first on Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

23mins

9 Nov 2018

Rank #17

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058 SelfWork: What Is Codependency And What Can You Do About It?

“Codependent” is a word that’s thrown around a lot these days to describe relationships. But what exactly defines a codependent relationship, and how do you know if you’re part of one? Using examples from real couples, I’ll answer that question, as well as offering you some questions to ask yourself if you’re the “enabled” or […] The post 058 SelfWork: What Is Codependency And What Can You Do About It? appeared first on Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

21mins

12 Jan 2018

Rank #18

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110 SelfWork: What Depression Is and What It’s Not: Common Myths About Depression

Today we’re talking about seven major myths about depression. There are many more than seven but these are common questions I get or comments I hear out in public. So we’re going to set the record straight. In this episode, sponsored by Audible.com, we’ll answer questions about PostPartum Depression, PreMenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, Bipolar Disorder and […] The post 110 SelfWork: What Depression Is and What It’s Not: Common Myths About Depression appeared first on Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

25mins

4 Jan 2019

Rank #19

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085 SelfWork: Six Hurdles to Confronting Perfectionism and Perfectly Hidden Depression

Perfectionism is one of the chief traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression. We’re going to be talking about confronting perfectionism – the first thing is to realize you’re not going to do it perfectly. I’ll share other important hurdles to recognize as you begin the difficult task of undoing a perfectionistic streak in yourself that only […] The post 085 SelfWork: Six Hurdles to Confronting Perfectionism and Perfectly Hidden Depression appeared first on Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

21mins

13 Jul 2018

Rank #20