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The Story Must Be Told

Surreal fiction anthology, framed as a church service. Every other Tuesday, join Brother Reid, Pastor Andrew, and Sister Callista to worship the Story! Hear our greasy prayers! Delight in our healthy psalms, uh huh. Then bask in the Story—handsomely produced tales of dark humor, freakish sci-fi, and oddly touching literary horror. Start with any episode—the Story is waiting for you!TSMBT is a podcast by Post Everything Productions. All stories written by Pastor Andrew and Brother Reid. Production and original music by Carl Schroeder. Twitter, Instagram: @TSMBTpod

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90. Family Union

Some families are small, some are swollen and grotesque. Some families have daddies, some have secrets. The Crispos invite you to learn about their aged clan—do you dare deny them?InvocationTestimonial: The Dream of Sister CallistaLiturgical Reading: “Family Union”Concluding PrayerWe have merch and more is on the way. Check it truly here:https://topatoco.com/collections/last-podcast

37mins

12 Nov 2019

Rank #1

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89. The Forgotten Man

Forget your mom! Forget your dad! Forget your siblings! Forget everything if it means remembering the Story. Forget your own dang self, heck, see if the Story cares. The Story cares about you only if you LOVE the Story to your own ruin. It is NOT a dick move.InvocationThe Matter of Chalms’ DisappearanceLiturgical Reading: “The Forgotten Man”A BaptismVIDEOS. Yes! VIDEOS! Watch: youtube.com/thestorymustbetold

35mins

29 Oct 2019

Rank #2

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3. An Audience with the Queen

today we celebrate the feast day of sain't jo, in whose matronage we engage so ruefully: lewdness, grotesquerie, tragedy. we are blessed with this liturgy frothy n fearful from Sister Callista of the Queasy Madre. sniff it down, yon juiciesInvocationPsalm: “O! Honey”Liturgical Reading: “An Audience With The Queen”Concluding Prayerwhat truths we stink we stink for thee. come back next tuesday n we’ll tell ya a gooey one uh huhMerch juicy: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbtPatreon pulpy: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

20mins

13 Feb 2018

Rank #3

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88. The Passage Of Memory

Our families fade from us. It is an effort to keep them by our side. The Story knows how our minds slip and slosh! Anyhowwww, today is Devon’s birthday, and we threw a special service just for him. He is our groundskeeper, and a pathetic man. Forgive us for including him. InvocationDevon’s Birthday MemoriesLiturgical Reading: “The Passage of Memory”The Matter of Chalms’ IdentityWe have videos! Oh so many for your eyes and gentle mouths. Watch here: youtube.com/thestorymustbetold

35mins

15 Oct 2019

Rank #4

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4. A Perfect Vessel

on this day we remember a patron true a saint of courage and unshakable faith. that's why we all wear our prettiest clothes and paint our faces and present such handsome grins and firm grips of hand. it's why i wear red. what tender boundary tween belief n delusion, how it quivers with our pulseIntroductory PrayerPsalm: “The Furrier’s Coat” / “You Do Know”Liturgical Reading: “A Perfect Vessel”Brother Reid’s SongChurch Bulletinim not ready to leave you, promise me youll find me soon gosh i need you to feel wholeMerch, for Phonies: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbtPatreon, for Imposters: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

19mins

20 Feb 2018

Rank #5

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60. They Made A Strange Love - Guest Preacher Joe Pera

Love is like the faint reek of urine: it’s in the air. Breathe deep, brothers and sisters, and welcome the Story’s acid love into your mush of bronchial tubes. Become hamburger for your partner, mush between their fingers, and gel between their toes. Love can mean a lot, but to the Story, it means becoming a fine human paste. Guest Preacher: Joe Pera (Joe Pera Talks with You, Dan Joe DVD Show)InvocationPsalm: “Rude Tattoos”Liturgical Reading: “They Made a Strange Love”Concluding PrayerJoin us next week, or we’ll find you.

21mins

19 Mar 2019

Rank #6

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28. The Boat That Went To Hell - Guest Preacher Marcus Parks

All kinds of boats out there, with funny names, too. Brigantine. Schooner. Paddle. In a way, this here church is a boat, and each of you a mate upon its deck. Swab it, dear congregation, to earn your place in the captain’s chambers amidst the dribbling candles and ill-gotten liquors. Do not drink too much, for the captain is one of lechery, and our destination one of sin and tears.Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, Page 7)InvocationPsalm: “Secrets to Sailors”Liturgical Reading: “The Boat That Went To Hell”Concluding PrayerYep yep we gobbled that story down like a pastry of vice n uh ohs. What sweet it hath delected upon us, we unfaithful masses, who stir with what the Story hath sired.

28mins

7 Aug 2018

Rank #7

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82. Last Impressions - Guest Preacher Henry Zebrowski

Anyone could be you. You are a buncha bodily tics and vocal inflections. A rude friend or knowing coworker could rip you apart to everyone’s amusement, you bet. Could rip you up like deli cuts of ham, heh heh. Guest Preacher: Henry Zebrowski (Last Podcast on the Left, Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell)InvocationImpressions of the ClergyLiturgical Reading: “Last Impressions”Concluding PrayerNext week we got something spicy, and it’ll get you grinning, most like.

23mins

6 Aug 2019

Rank #8

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5. Super Value Menu

yes uh huh some of us enjoy the salty treats of food which is fast, and others of us depend upon yon morsels, teeth decrepit from substance and poverty. how fates intertwine, how doom swells and rains its pregnant waters over us all, the greasy and the not-so-greasy. reflect! renounce! repent!InvocationPsalm: “The Fish, the Filth”Liturgical Reading: “Super Value Menu”yup yup we’ll be back next week and the week after that and the week after that and we’ll never dieMerch, ok?: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbtPatreon, alright?: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

21mins

27 Feb 2018

Rank #9

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37. The Boys Open

Two boys in the courthouse. Two boys with the clerk. Two boys in the swimming pool. Two boys out to work. Gosh, all those boys! Of course, sometimes one slides under the tractor, turns to boyslaw. Can’t help that! Oh, how the boys leave us, in their great numbers, to writhe their puny sinnin’ souls in Boyrgatory. This treat from our first season will grin sweetly in your ears as we wrench ourselves gruesome on the needy gears of our Live Show, which we birth this Thursday. Goo goo, slick slick.InvocationSacrament: The Blessing of the BoysLiturgical Reading: “The Boys Open”Concluding PrayerThat gooey live show truth is arriving oh so damn shortly. Videology Bar in Brooklyn, October 11th. Tickets here: https://thestorymustbetoldlive.eventbrite.com/

17mins

9 Oct 2018

Rank #10

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46. The Mathematics Of Grocery Stores

The grocer is our friend in commerce and our enemy in the Story. We do not deserve options for cereal, nor variety in our nut butters, whole wheat crackers, and lunchmeat. Give us but one choice, so that we might smack it up in our greedy mouths, and masticate masticate masticate. Hmmph. The Story alone is our satisfaction, and when food runs out, which it will, it alone will fill us.InvocationPsalm: “Web of Delights”Liturgical Reading: “The Mathematics of Grocery Stores”Concluding AdmonitionThe Story will return to you next week, hot as a ham, juicy as a coldcut. Sup sup!

26mins

11 Dec 2018

Rank #11

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50. The Son Of God Dies from Multiple Stab Wounds

I’ll make you my son if you don’t behave, and you won’t like what happens to my sons. Ohh they do ALL of daddy’s chores, and of mommy they must anoint. It’s a threat, and it’s TRUE, whether you are mother, aunt, or nephew, you’ll all suffer as sons. This Story is a testament to how easily a son is named and exchanged, and how all sons grow inconvenienced on the turbulent winds of discourse. InvocationPsalm: “Anointed in Yoghurt”Liturgical Reading: “The Son of God Dies from Multiple Stab Wounds”Concluding PrayerNext Tuesday is a day for treats, as the Story is once again gooily invoked. Check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy”https://vimeo.com/226796022Or see it as part of a live TSMBT service:https://vimeo.com/297286015

22mins

15 Jan 2019

Rank #12

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51. The House Of Crispo Part 1

Cherish the disobedient child. Cherish their ignorance. For only the rude and stupid can be enveloped into the heart of the Story. It is our duty to bring new, empty minds to the Story, to our homes, so it may fill them with the light of Story. Oh Story! May we harvest a human crop for you.InvocationPsalm: “The Light of the Father”Liturgical Reading: “The House of Crispo Part 1”Concluding PrayerNext Tuesday we return. Next Tuesday, we finish this. Check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy”https://vimeo.com/226796022Or see it as part of a live TSMBT service:https://vimeo.com/297286015

22mins

22 Jan 2019

Rank #13

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57. The Bear Musician - Guest Preacher Marcus Parks

The Story sloshed over the rim of the Story cup, and did spill one fresh for you. In this special bonus service, we witness a young Bruno, and his cowardice before the agony of Story. This Story originally appeared in "Creepypasta XIII: A Meat's Dream" on Last Podcast on the Left. We relive this Story—sup upon its eager drips!Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, Page 7)InvocationPsalm: “Check the Trunk”Liturgical Reading: “The Bear Musician”Concluding PrayerEnjoy this special treat of Story pure. We return on Tuesday with your regularly scheduled service, sweet sweet.

19mins

1 Mar 2019

Rank #14

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92. Hot Pics Wedding Rings OK - Guest Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski

Ohh send me a sexy pic, sexfriend. Heh heh, oh I’m a person alright, wink wink hush, a sexperson ready to sex, sex, sex! All I need is a lil ol thing called, um, your social security number ;)Guest: Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski (Get tickets for the Page 7/Wizard and the Bruiser live shows at www.lastpodcastnetwork.com/p7live)Patreon announcementInvocationGrease Fire!Liturgical Reading: “Hot Pics Wedding Rings OK”Concluding PrayerOoh gander upon the Story symbol pin! The Cro-Croa mug! They are now available atwww.topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt

42mins

10 Dec 2019

Rank #15

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23. When Dominoes Pizza Let A Teen Die - Guest Preacher Holden McNeely

Wear that grin between grease-soaked lips and chew the curds of delights digested. Let the bolus yon esophagus squelches die within ye, turn to dribbling juices and bubbles of harsh swampen gases. We are bodies, hosts of parasites, tombs of delivery morsels, avatars of corporate wisdom. Listen closely to Reverend Holden, mm hmm. Follow his words, and pick a brand with consideration; it may be the only brand you’ll pick again.Guest Preacher: Reverend Holden McNeely (Wizard and the Bruiser podcast, holdenatorsho on Twitch)InvocationPsalm: “Pizza Party Ire”Liturgical Reading: “When Dominoes Pizza Let a Teen Die”Concluding PrayerGuess it should be said that all characters and events in this story, even the ones based on real breathing gooey companies, are fictional. Though, c’mon, it’s probably not that fictional, right? Maybe a grease of truth dripped somewhere within? Hey. Don’t sue.

23mins

3 Jul 2018

Rank #16

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67. Hoofs And Feet

A barnyard animal makes barnyard noises and behaves as though all the world, the very universe, is a barnyard. They kick up mud, and make a toilet of any dang carpet. We can learn gentle grace from our barnyard companions! We can learn to “take it easy,” and make our puddle wherever we do choose. Oh Story! Thank you for your profound examples to us, the congregation.InvocationPsalm: “Cory Had a Little Lamb”Liturgical Reading: “Hoofs and Feet”Concluding PrayerTuesday is the day the Story comes to life, groans sweetly, and crawls inside your ear. It’ll happen to you next Tuesday, squirm-style.

28mins

30 Apr 2019

Rank #17

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68. When You Watch Me

This one is for you, in all your greasy splendor. Do you like it when I talk about your greases? Heh heh, yeah, that's what I thought. Ooh, you better listen to this one, because you're a part of it, and soon, it will be all you remember.InvocationPsalm: “How to Swallow Loose Change for the Story”Liturgical Reading: “When You Watch Me"Concluding PrayerWe return on Tuesdays, Tuesday-style, and this next Tuesday will be no exception—OK?

28mins

7 May 2019

Rank #18

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55. Ghosts Are Hazy Life

Life is a spectrum, full of mushy inbetweens only alive enough to know pain. Not everything which is dead was once alive, but all that lives, however minutely, does perish. Ha! Haha! The Story teaches us even full life is but half life, and half life is but a web of memories disappearing. Squint and you can see it, but how easily it is brushed to threads. So the Story sayeth: ooooooOOooooohhhhh.InvocationPsalm: “The Agony Table”Liturgical Reading: “Ghosts Are Hazy Life”Concluding PrayerTruths abound, Stories enflamed, we love the Story, we speak Its name. See your fresh greases next week squish squish.

29mins

19 Feb 2019

Rank #19

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33. Pretty Machines

Electronics are our friends, and sometimes our sticky neighbors. Some electronics aid, and some deny, some tend to relationships, and others still play card games on digital screens. What novelty! Yet also: what cruelty to such incipient intelligence. Shame! Shame all around!InvocationA Healing of Ill Consumer ElectronicsLiturgical Reading: “Pretty Machines”Concluding PrayerYou shouldn’t throw batteries away. Hold onto ‘em. Store ‘em under the sink in a plastic bottle. Wait till it’s full. Take it to the farm. Bury it. In ten years all them batteries will be full charge, ready for diskboys and vibrate-friends.

24mins

11 Sep 2018

Rank #20