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Love Over Addiction

Updated 9 days ago

Health
Kids & Family
Self-Help
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Do you love someone suffering from addiction? You're not powerless over this disease. You don’t need to wait for them to get sober to start feeling joy, happiness, and love. Join us for encouragement, hope, and some fun (because recovery doesn’t need to be depressing). If you feel exhausted from trying to help, depressed when they've been drinking or using drugs, and worried this roller coaster ride will never end – we can help.

Read more

Do you love someone suffering from addiction? You're not powerless over this disease. You don’t need to wait for them to get sober to start feeling joy, happiness, and love. Join us for encouragement, hope, and some fun (because recovery doesn’t need to be depressing). If you feel exhausted from trying to help, depressed when they've been drinking or using drugs, and worried this roller coaster ride will never end – we can help.

iTunes Ratings

654 Ratings
Average Ratings
600
27
11
8
8

Life changing!

By Ashlyn_S - Jun 26 2019
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I’ve been needing this information for a very long time.

GOD SENT!!

By Meljm775 - May 29 2019
Read more
If you love someone with addiction, this will help! The very best resource I've found.

iTunes Ratings

654 Ratings
Average Ratings
600
27
11
8
8

Life changing!

By Ashlyn_S - Jun 26 2019
Read more
I’ve been needing this information for a very long time.

GOD SENT!!

By Meljm775 - May 29 2019
Read more
If you love someone with addiction, this will help! The very best resource I've found.
Cover image of Love Over Addiction

Love Over Addiction

Updated 9 days ago

Read more

Do you love someone suffering from addiction? You're not powerless over this disease. You don’t need to wait for them to get sober to start feeling joy, happiness, and love. Join us for encouragement, hope, and some fun (because recovery doesn’t need to be depressing). If you feel exhausted from trying to help, depressed when they've been drinking or using drugs, and worried this roller coaster ride will never end – we can help.

Rank #1: Ask Me Anything Episode #2: About My Ex-Husband

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We’re back with another Ask Me Anything episode - all about my ex-husband. I was married to a good man that drinks too much and suffers from substance abuse disorder.

It’s a real conversation filled with tough questions, real answers, and hopefully some new insights for you.

When you're in a relationship with someone that suffers from addiction, it's hard to see the light. I felt like I was in a prison, and wasn't sure if or how to get out.  

If you have questions for me (about my ex-husband or not), send them to us at info@LoveOverAddiction.com. We might feature them on an upcoming episode. This podcast is for YOU - so we really want to hear from YOU. We hope you’ll share your feedback + send your questions to us.

Jan 13 2019
1 hour 44 mins
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Rank #2: 4 Tips When Your Partner Starts Drinking

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The disease of addiction can make you feel so little so fast. But, remember - there are three of you in this relationship: you, your partner, and this addiction. And it’s important to remember that it’s the evil disease called “addiction” that is killing your relationship, not your loved one.

Addiction wants to take you down. So what do you do when your partner's addiction has taken over once again and he or she is lashing out?

Today, I am going to give you four helpful tools you can start to use immediately to take back your power and help you feel in control.

Get out or hang up.

Your partner can’t verbally abuse you if you are not around to be their punching bag. Leave the room. Walk away or hang up the phone. Respectfully. No yelling, slamming doors, or shaming (I know... it’s hard).

Don’t try to solve his issues.

This disease is cunning and strong. You will lose. The only one who stands a chance of taking this disease down is your loved one. Let him or her fight their own battles.

Don’t engage in a fight.

Your attention feeds this disease. If you weren’t there to nag or argue, your partner would be left with his or her depressing thoughts. And that feeling cannot be good. You will no longer become the scapegoat for those shameful feelings.

Surrender it all to God.

Give it all to Him because He is willing to take it on. Close your eyes and imagine giving all your problems, anxiety, and anger away. Do this every day and every time you need to, trusting that God will make all things right. Repeat "I surrender" over and over. You can even sing that hymn: “I Surrender All” - Faith Hill has an amazing version.

I know this seems hard, but too often we get dragged into this crazy addiction cycle. We blame our partner or worse - we blame ourselves for his or her drinking, drugs, gambling, or porn. We feel shame and we “own” their problems, taking responsibility for issues that don’t belong to us. And then we get angry at him or her for lying and disappointing or at ourselves for putting up with it. It’s a cycle. And it causes us to stay stuck.

We need to break the cycle of addiction by choosing to respond differently.

Doing one of these four things next time your loved one chooses to drink or use drugs takes back your power. And the rewards will be amazing. You will get stronger and healthier. You can do it! I am cheering you on with love and encouragement.

If you’re ever looking for support on this journey, check out the three programs we offer. They are all work-at-your-own-pace and you’ll have lifetime access, so you’re able to take as long as you need. I know these changes take time. I’m here to support you and cheer you on.

Sep 01 2015
10 mins
Play

Rank #3: The Secret to Leaving vs. Staying with your alcoholic husband

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Are you feeling trapped in your marriage with an alcoholic or substance abuser?

You love him or her, so you want to stay in this relationship. But you're angry, confused, and feeling hopeless.

You don't know how much more you can take.

Have you ever threatened to leave your loved one because you want to scare him or her into getting sober? (this almost never works for long-term sobriety, so no need to try)

The idea of leaving breaks your heart and you don't see a way out.

You cling to the good person you fell in love with. You need the best version of him or her.

On the days you lose hope that your partner will ever get sober for good, you may secretly entertain the idea of leaving.

But how would you support yourself? Where would you go? Will your children blame you for breaking apart the family? What would your family think? What would God think?

It's not simple, is it? It's complicated and messy.

But I'm here to remind you sweet friend:

You don't need to make up your mind to leave or stay today.

Forgive yourself for staying and remember you reserve the right to change your mind tomorrow.

Surrender the decision and trust the process. You'll know if it's time to leave.

You're not trapped - you're just not ready to make the decision yet.

In the meantime, you need to get started working on your program.

You know I’m always going to be honest with you because I teach from experience.

And here’s the loving truth: you’re sick too. This disease has done some serious damage to you.

So, let’s focus on getting you repaired and recovered. Let’s commit to working your program.

And I used the word "work" intentionally. Feeling better takes commitment.

We need to commit to prayer, to self-care, and to being willing and open to change.

Listen to our free podcast, read our helpful tips, and join one of our programs. They are entirely online, so your confidentiality is always protected and there is no child care to line up. Plus, you have lifetime access.

No matter where you decided to get the help and answers you need, you're a loving thoughtful wife who needs to feel better about herself before she can make the decision to leave or stay.

By doing the work, you will no longer feel threatened or stuck. You can stay because you choose to stay. You can leave if you feel it’s time because you will be strong enough to make that decision.

I hope to "meet" you inside one of our programs.

Sep 26 2016
5 mins
Play

Rank #4: 7 Most Common Mistakes You Might Be Making

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Do you feel beaten down? Like you don’t recognize yourself anymore while loving someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction? This disease does a really good job trying to convince us that we are helpless.

But that’s a lie. There are many things you can do to help your relationship and give him a better chance of sobriety

One of the best ways to help is by learning the most common mistakes you might be making when loving an alcoholic or substance abuser.

Click here for a free training video where I walk you through each one of these steps. You don't want to miss it (and you will love the helpful - and beautiful - slides in the video). Plus, it's under five minutes - because I know you're busy.

Here are seven mistakes you may be making:

1. Keeping track of your loved one's drinking. If you tell him or her not to drink in the house, they will just find another place to drink. If you throw away the liquor, they will just spend more money replacing it. You have no control over anything your partner chooses to put into his body.

2. Lecturing your partner. No matter how much you threaten, it won't change their behavior. Set boundaries and give consequences for his or her behavior with your actions, not with words.

3. Speaking negatively about your loved one to your children. This is a major no-no. Your children need to feel safe. They deserve to form their own opinion about their parent, not inherit yours.

4. Researching recovery information. This is not your job. Your partner's sobriety will never last if the idea is coming from you. Don't drive him or her to meetings, purchase books, or set up appointments for them.

5. Placing your life on hold to focus on your loved one's issues. Don't. Your dreams are important. Focus on your purpose, not theirs.

6. Believing the hurtful lies. You are smart. You are valuable. You are beautiful and kind. Anyone that tells you anything else is not someone you need to be listening to.

7. Not forgiving yourself for staying with your partner. You know he or she can be awful, but you are smart enough to know they are sick. You love them, so you are choosing to stay. You reserve the right to change your mind tomorrow.

So, my sweet reader - what mistake do you struggle with? Or are you like me and make them all?

If you’re ready to make your healing as important as your partner’s sobriety – we are waiting for you. Our programs are online, confidential, and you have lifetime access – so you can do them at your own pace.

Dec 05 2016
8 mins
Play

Rank #5: The Enabling Behaviors You Need to Stop Now

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When we love someone suffering from addiction, we do our very best to help them. We try everything we can think of, read, or find on Google. We try it all. With the most pure and best intentions. We want our loved ones to get sober, and stay sober for good, right?

The reality is that all that energy we’re putting into our loved ones, we need to be putting into ourselves. Because addiction has hurt us too, and we deserve recovery. We deserve energy. We deserve grace.

Today you’ll learn about 12 behaviors you need to stop right now, today. And some of them may be harder than others, but you know that we’re honest in this community. I share loving truths with you to help your recovery and your healing, even when they may be hard to hear.

Find more: https://loveoveraddiction.com/stop-enabling-behaviors/

Join the sisterhood: https://loveoveraddiction.com/

Connect personally: https://www.instagram.com/love_over_addiction/

Jul 21 2019
7 mins
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Rank #6: How To Choose Friends When You Love An Addict

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When we love someone suffering from addiction, we will eventually become completely isolated if we’re not already. That’s what addiction wants, and frankly, what it needs to thrive. 

As you know, we believe that we’re not powerless over this disease. There are things you can do to take your power back from addiction, and today is all about finding connection. 

Today I share tips on what kind of friends to look for (and what kind of people you want to avoid), so that you can create friendships and share your story (what’s really going on), with that special person, or two (three at most). 

Find more here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/how-to-choose-friends/

Connect personally: https://www.instagram.com/love_over_addiction/

Join the sisterhood: https://loveoveraddiction.com/

Aug 04 2019
14 mins
Play

Rank #7: Why Your Partner Keeps Lying to You

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Today we are going to talk about the top three ways to get your partner to stop lying to you.

Let me start off by asking you a question: Have you, my sweet listener, yelled, screamed, pleaded and begged, bargained, counseled, and done everything else you could possibly think of to get your loved one sober?

You are exhausted and resentful that you stay up late into the night worrying and trying to figure out how you can help while your partner is lying there passed out on the couch from another night of drinking or drugs.

And tomorrow he or she will probably wake up and act like nothing happened - meanwhile, you feel like your heart was just ripped out.

You try to talk to them, doing your best to let them know just how awful he or she was last night. How much they hurt you. And how they broke their promises (again) to stop drinking or using drugs. After some denial, he or she sits there and listens to you and watches you get all your feelings out.

You present a long-winded, detailed, vulnerable, honest monologue. Your loved one listens and agrees with you. And then he or she drinks again. Ugh!

Why does he or she keep lying and telling you that they're going to stop? Because they know the drill. They know that if they just nod their head and act like they're listening… eventually, you will stop talking. And then he or she can go back to drinking.

This is your routine. You react by crying, sulking, begging, yelling.  Your partner listens, says sorry, tells you how much they love you, and makes you feel special. Then drinks again. How do you get your loved one to stop lying to you and when can you trust him again?

Don’t ask him to promise you he’ll stop.

Your partner knows his or her drinking or drug use has got to stop. They might not act like it, but they know it’s killing them and your relationship. You don’t need to remind them.

Base your decisions on what your partner does - not what they say.

Does he or she tell you that their family is more important than their drinking? So how does that line up with his or her choices? Does your loved one tell you they love you and that they don't deserve you, and then a week later neglects you by going to the bar, drinking on a special occasion, or leaving you to attend an event alone? Pay attention to your partner's actions, not his words.

You can start to trust them after twelve months of sobriety. Don’t feel guilty if they've stopped drinking for three months and you still don’t trust them. Your partner has done a lot of damage and he or she needs to rebuild trust with you one choice at a time.

You’re a smart woman. Don’t let this disease fool you. The quickest way to stop feeling crazy and not be lied to is to stop believing the lies and look at the facts. Write them down if you have to.

Join us at one of our work-at-your-own-pace programs and become a member of our secret Facebook group where the doors always open to talk about these major life changes.

Nov 23 2015
6 mins
Play

Rank #8: Dropping Expectations

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When you love someone that drinks too much or suffers from addiction it's easy to be wrapped up in their disease, their actions, and their situations. 

We are high achieving women, and we can develop unrealistic expectations (yes, that means too high of expectations) for yourself and those around. These unrealistic expectations you can steal your joy and make it hard enjoy anything.  

But what if you start to make peace with who you are right now. Take some time to look around and notice all of the good things that are happening.

Listen to the podcast or read the blog to hear how to get rid of the expectations that may be holding you back.

Dec 30 2018
15 mins
Play

Rank #9: Uncovering The Truth About Enforcing Boundaries & Addiction

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On this week’s episode, Michelle shares two very personal stories about boundaries. And if you’ve been a part of our community for some time, you know boundaries are a necessary skill for every single woman on this planet, especially when you love someone suffering from any kind of addiction: alcohol, drugs (illegal or prescribed), gambling, pornography, or sex among other things.  

Here’s a sneak peek into the episode:

  • How can you appropriately enforce boundaries in any circumstance?
  • What happens when you state your boundary in a dignified manner?
  • How will sticking to your boundaries prevent unnecessary stress and anxiety?

Read our blog at https://loveoveraddiction.com/2018/08/uncovering-truth-enforcing-boundaries/

If you want to learn more about the Love Over Addiction program, visit us at https://TheLoveOverWay.com/programs/love-over-addiction

Aug 05 2018
19 mins
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Rank #10: How Losing Control Can Help Your Partner Get Sober

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The more your loved one drinks, the more out of control your life becomes. And the fear of the future creates a strong desire to get him or her sober.

This week I'm going to share with you a very personal story that will help give you an example of how letting go of our plan to get your loved one get sober can help you find healing and execrate our recovery.

In this week's free download, I give you very specific examples of rescuing and surrendering your partner. I think you’ll find them super helpful.

One night I got a call at 2:30am that my husband had been arrested again for a DUI. After I hung up the phone, I quickly got dressed, woke up our three young children who were peacefully sleeping, and buckled them in the backseat of our minivan.

When I was driving to the jail (I think this was the fifth jail I had been to), I was excited.

Now, to someone who isn’t married to an alcoholic or substance abuser the idea that I was feeling excited because I received a phone call in the middle of the night from the police informing me that my husband had broken the law (he had not harmed anyone – thank God), would seem crazy.

But I was excited. I was thrilled because he got caught by someone other than me. I was so grateful that he totaled my car because there was physical proof that he had a drinking problem.

It made me joyful that someone else (law enforcement) was mad at him. That he would have to answer to the judge for his bad choices. I was excited because I thought maybe this was rock bottom for him.

I looked in the rearview mirror at my sleeping children in their pajamas and I had hope. Maybe this would be the night my children would get their father back.

I would be able to love him deeply and unconditionally with total trust and without fear that he would lie to us or hurt us again.

He would finally be the man I always knew he could be. We could have the family and marriage I craved.

Can you relate to that?

And I would love to tell you, my sweet reader, that he did get sober. That a police record, a totaled car, jail time, and a lost job would result in him finally saying “enough." But, as you know, this disease has a very firm grip on the good people that we love.

And as much as we want to help and hope the new “crisis” will be the last, we must let go and let them lose control. Because I’ve never heard of an alcoholic getting sober by being comfortable.

Lasting recovery is usually started by a crisis. So if you are going around rescuing your loved one, throwing out the bottles, reminding him or her to take their medicine, covering up the disease for them, bailing them out of jail...

Stop.

At first, you won’t feel like you can get through it. You’ll feel a strong temptation to fix, solve, and get your hands dirty with your partner's issues.

But that’s prolonging their sickness. You know what I should have done that late night? Left him in jail. Rolled over in bed and let my innocent children sleep. Let him call one of his drinking buddies to bail him out.

But instead, I “saved him.” In this week’s free download, I give you very specific examples of rescuing and surrendering. I’m being really honest and vulnerable with you by pointing out my mistakes so you can make better choices.

A week after that late night and bailing him out of jail, I had a pivotal moment that began my healing and I started refusing to rescue my husband. I go more into that in the free download, so don’t forget to grab that. But looking back, I am so grateful that he went to jail that night.

It didn’t help his recovery, but it was the beginning of mine.

If you found this helpful, we have three courses that could change your life (and your relationship) PLUS a Secret Facebook Group filled with women just like you (so you will never feel lonely again). Click here to learn more.

Nov 30 2015
6 mins
Play

Rank #11: 3 Benefits of Codependency

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I often talk about one of the ways this community is different - we believe you’re not powerless over this disease.

And for those of you who know me and have been listening to the podcast or reading our blog for a while, you might be thinking “Yeah, Michelle I know. I’ve heard you say this so many times.”

Here's another way our community is different:

We believe that codependency can be a very good thing.

Yes, it’s true. Codependency practiced with the right people at the right time can be a huge gift.

Here are three benefits of codependency.

1. When everyone else has walked away, you stay to help.

Here's an example: let’s pretend we’re running a marathon. There is a moment in the race that some runners hit where their bodies just give out and they literally collapse. It’s not an uncommon scene in the last five miles of a marathon.

But what is uncommon is the runner who stops her race and forgoes her own time to help the person next to her who is struggling. Most people train for an event like this for years, and their time matters. If they stop, they know they might not be able to continue.

So it’s totally normal for someone to just keep moving and focus on what they're there for - getting the best possible time they can.

But I know several women who stop running their race when they see someone in pain. And who will even run back to get them some water. They will come alongside of the broken runner, put their arm around them, and make sure they get medical assistance.

These are the women that have been called “codependent” in meetings. These are selfless, courageous, and thoughtful women.

If that’s called codependent, then they should wear that label proudly.

2. Codependency is a gift because it makes us good friends.

We show up. We listen when someone’s hurting. 

And when someone is sharing her pain or problems, we get busy trying to think of ways we can help.

We can be counted on. And we follow up with a text or phone call to check in and make sure that person is doing better. We arrive at doorsteps with a pot roast.

We defend and protect because we are loyal to those we have let into our little close circle.

3. Codependency is a gift is because we’re willing to say sorry.

We are usually the first ones to admit that we may have messed up and made a mistake.

In a world full of defensiveness, we are refreshingly willing to take responsibility. We're usually the first one who admits we may have messed up and didn’t get it right. Or to admit to our friends and family and even strangers that we don’t have all the answers.

There are so many more amazing qualities that come from being “codependent” and this blog is one example.

I’ve been writing here for over four years and this little community of women like you are some of the most polite, loving, and caring women I’ve ever known.

You make writing and doing this podcast a joy. You warm my heart. I love our group of codependent women.

Kindness is not normal in most online communities, unfortunately. But we have great manners. And we are here for each other.

So I for one, I am proud to be codependent. That label is fine with me.

If you’re ever looking for support on this journey, check out the three programs we offer. They are all work-at-your-own-pace and you’ll have lifetime access, so you’re able to take as long as you need. I know these changes take time. I’m here to support you and cheer you on.

Sep 15 2015
11 mins
Play

Rank #12: Dealing with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? This Is a Must-Read.

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Let’s be real with each other. It’s hard to keep up with all the different ways your loved one treats you, isn’t it?

You might have a tender moment in the car and reach for their hand and you’re reminded of why you feel in love with them in the first place.

They might be funny and cracking you up when you both are standing at the kitchen counter talking about your day.

Or you might share a thoughtful and romantic moment that gives you the deep sense of connection that has been missing for awhile.

These are the moments of light in times of darkness. These are the glimmers of hope when we feel defeated.

Moments like the examples above are when their behavior comes from a place of truth. This is who God made them - a good loving person - and this is how your relationship was intended to feel like.

But then, as we are holding our heads up to the light and beginning to trust again… that hope fades and we are left in darkness.

Our broken hearts have to learn one more time how to handle heartbreak. Because the one we love is replaced with darkness. They have faded into the background and we are left loving an unwelcomed version of them.

The addiction masks them like a cloak and our happy, productive, romantic partner is replaced with a hurtful, distant, insulting, worst version of themselves.

Let’s just state the obvious: it’s not fair. But addiction never promised to be fair, did it?

Addiction doesn’t know about respect or compromising. Addiction doesn't listen - it takes. It’s selfish.

If you can untangle the person you love into two separate beings, lots of good things can happen.

You will find your power and control. Because the next time they become distant or rude, you can say to yourself, "That’s the addiction. It’s not personal. It’s a disease. I did nothing to justify this behavior."

And when you see a true glimpse of the one you love who is kind and responsible, you can enjoy and savor them with the realistic expectation that they will not stay like this forever (unless, of course, they are sober and getting weekly help).

If you choose to stay or leave them, making peace that the one you love is struggling with two versions of themselves will help you turn anger into compassion.

You will be able to reach a point of empathy because when they lash out or reject you, you’re not taking it personally.

You can say to yourself (or out loud),

“I am an intelligent, sober woman and this is just the addiction talking. I don’t listen or believe anything that comes from addiction because I know it’s a selfish liar who is out to deceive me. I am too smart and strong to fall for it.”

This is how you handle someone who is struggling with staying consistently loving and thoughtful because they are addicted to drug, alcohol, pornography, or sex.

You are a strong woman and you have found a sisterhood that believes in you. Together, we are here for one another, sharing the issues that no one talks about. We will not be ashamed and we refuse to just sit and accept that we won’t feel happiness and joy until they choose to get sober.

We are not powerless over this disease. And if you want to see real change in your life - now’s the time to join our programs. We will welcome you with open arms. Privacy is our biggest priority and no childcare is necessary. Do them online, at your own pace, and have lifetime access. We hope to meet you inside the program.

Feb 04 2018
12 mins
Play

Rank #13: Why You Might Be Staying in an Unhealthy Relationship

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This week we’re going to answer the question: why do I stay in an unhealthy relationship? 

But... before we get started, I want to make something clear.  I will never tell you to stay or leave.

There are many women in this community who choose to stay in their marriage and it works for them. And there are women who leave.

My goal for this community is to get YOU healthier and happier so you can make the decision that is best for you.  The choice is yours and we will NEVER judge you.  Ever. 

There are many reasons we decide to stay in a unhealthy relationship (we love them, we see their potential, we find self worth in helping others, fear of what others will think, fear of breaking up a family, etc).

Today we’re going to be covering a reason I’ve never discussed before.

Here’s a question I received from a wonderful and strong woman in our Secret Facebook Group that we will use as a great example (I think a lot of you will be able to relate):

Q:

I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for over two years. At first I thought he just drank a lot, then his obsession with drinking made me realize he is an alcoholic, a highly functioning one.

The whole relationship, I gave and he took. I could see that when something interfered with his drinking he would avoid it. But as soon as I began to put some demands on him, basically just asking him to treat me like I treat him, he began to talk about how our relationship wasn't working.

So now we are not together, except to go out to dinner once in awhile, which I am about to put an end to.

But why does it hurt so much to let this man go? I loved him like I never loved anyone else. I was so selfless and always thinking of him. I just can't understand why my heart hurts so much but my brain is telling me I am lucky it has ended and get on with my future without him. I still love him.

This is a question I get a lot.  Why do we know in our heads that leaving is the right thing but our hearts want to go back?

Are you ready for the truth? It might be difficult to read but if you’re honest with yourself it maybe something you need to hear.

The truth is, when we don’t completely love and accept ourselves we are always looking for people and circumstances to reinforce our negative beliefs. 

I’ll give you an example.  Let’s say he promises to come home at a certain time.  And you wait for him.  But he’s late and he doesn’t even bother calling to tell you he’s running behind schedule.  And when he does finally walk through the door he smells like alcohol or looks high.  You ask him if he'd been drinking or using and he tells you that you’re paranoid and overreacting.  In other words, he belittles you for not being cool with the situation.

What’s really going on in this scenario is that you came into this relationship feeling unimportant and not good enough.  And he is reinforcing that belief about yourself by the way he’s treating you.

When he doesn’t show up on time because he’s at the bar or out with friends after work, his ACTIONS are telling you that you're not important enough to him to choose your relationship and get sober.

And then you start to think, “What could I have done better to get him home on time? What am I doing wrong that he doesn’t love me enough?”

You take it as a personal rejection that something is wrong with YOU.  And you think that if you just “get it right” he will finally find you important enough to come home and stop choosing drugs or drinking over you.

That is the reason this disease can be so powerful over us.  Because it attracts women who already believe they are unimportant or unworthy of being cherished, and have hearts that want to help others.

Addiction can identify types of women like us a mile away.  And you want to know how it confirms we are the women who will fall for the guy who suffers from addiction? We stick around.  We are the ones who stay and try to help the ones we love get sober.

Think about it, if a really confident woman was going on a date with a man who said he was going to pick her up at 7:00 pm and then he showed up at 8:00 with alcohol on his breath or high as a kite - do you really think she would get in the car with him?  No, she would probably refuse to go out and never call him back.

Why is she so different than us?

Because she knows she’s important and she loves herself enough to not accept dysfunction into her life.

We need to starting falling in love with ourselves more than we fall in love with the alcoholic or addict.

It might be the most difficult thing we ever do, but it should be our new goal. 

Because only THEN can we walk away from disfunction without looking back. We can start to honor ourselves.  We can find the worth in who we are and were created to be.  We can look at ourselves in the mirror and believe: I am enough.

And when all our decisions and choices come from a place of self love, we can become the most powerful and attractive version of ourselves. Everything in our lives will change.

If you’re wondering how to start practicing self love, we have you covered.  The Love Over Addiction program is filled with REAL tools and techniques .  It’s a program for you (not for him) and it will help whether he gets sober or not. I hope you make your healing a priority and join us.

Aug 13 2017
15 mins
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Rank #14: The Real Truth About Alcoholics

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Warning: you’re about to read something that will be difficult to swallow. It was posted by an alcoholic from another website. And although it might be tough, I think hearing it will help you understand that starting your recovery is the most important, life-changing step you can make.  

If you want a happier, more peaceful life, you can start with the one thing this disease can’t control - YOU.

The change that needs to be made in your life starts with you.

Are you ready to hear the truth? Here are some words from an alcoholic…

My name is _ and I am an alcoholic. This is what alcoholics do. You cannot and will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you any better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me. Something to use. When I say I love you, I am lying through my teeth because it is impossible for someone who is an active alcoholic. I wouldn't be drinking if I loved myself. Since I don't, I cannot love you. My feelings are pushed down and numbed by my alcohol. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat, and steal from you. My behavior will not change and cannot change until I make a decision to stop drinking and follow it up with a plan of action. And until I make that decision I will continue to hurt you over and over again.

Stop being surprised. I am an alcoholic and this is what alcoholics do.

I know... this gets you right in the gut.

I really debated posting this because it’s not very encouraging, is it?

But what if this is a great starting point?

What if we come to accept this as the truth and start our lives over from here?

We don’t have to leave or stay and we don’t have to stop loving them.

We can begin to rebuild our lives knowing that all things can change (including our partner's sobriety) if we just stop putting all our energy into their addiction.

Our healing begins when we stop looking for what we need from people who are unable to give it to us.

What if we make a healthier stronger choice and start putting our energy into our own healing and grow in our spirituality?

If you haven’t joined us in one of our programs and you want to find answers, hope, and happiness, what are you waiting for? Click here to check out the details. Our programs are offered for just $25 a month. If they are spending money on their bad habits, making an investment in your family's future is a better choice, don’t you think?

Nov 11 2015
7 mins
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Rank #15: How to Practice Self-Care During a Crisis

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Stick with me here, because I know self-care is a buzzword right now. I’m not about buzzwords, but I am all about you learning the tools you need to handle this disease. 

When we love someone suffering from addiction, our lives become chaotic and out of control. That’s just the way addiction works.  

So on today’s episode, we’ll dive deep into your self-care, and how to maintain it during a crisis. It’s an important skill, and worth having these tools in your back pocket for the next time there’s an especially chaotic time. Because addiction gets crazy, and our lives can get completely out of control. 

These are helpful tips for everyday life and during a crisis. 

Find more here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/self-care-during-a-crisis/

Connect personally: https://www.instagram.com/love_over_addiction/

Join the sisterhood: https://loveoveraddiction.com/

Aug 11 2019
19 mins
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Rank #16: How to Deal With Lying

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I was talking to a wonderful and wise woman who has joined the Love Over Addiction program, and she was telling me a story about her husband who lied to her about his drinking.

She walked in on him sitting in his office and sensed that he had been drinking again. She confronted him and he denied it. So she picked up the glass and said, “What is this?” He told her it was Coke and swore there wasn’t any alcohol in it.

She took a sip and said it tasted funny. But he kept saying it was just soda.

This loving and smart woman felt like she was going crazy because it didn’t taste like it was just soda. It didn’t look like just Coke. But he was looking her right in the eye swearing it was just soda.

So she took the drink and walked it over to her neighbor's house and made him try it. He said, “Whatever that is, it’s not just soda.”

It’s ridiculous how this disease can make us feel like we’re going crazy when we try to call our partner out on a lie and they deny, deny, deny.

So what do you do the next time you're convinced they’re lying that won’t make you feel like you're going crazy?

It’s very simple and it’s something you can start to do immediately.

The next time you’re convinced the one you love is lying to you about anything (because addiction loves to try and get away with a LOT), you let them know this: you know the truth.

BUT, here’s the deal: you need to tell them this very calmly and in one or two sentences, and then you hang up, walk out of the room, disengage.

So in my friend's situation, this is what she would do:

  1. She suspects that he’s drinking.
  2. She picks up the drink and tastes it.
  3. Alarm bells go off.
  4. She trusts her gut. She tells herself, “I’m a smart and intelligent woman and this disease is trying to trick me. But I will no longer be fooled. The scales have been removed from my eyes. My blinders are off. I am trusting myself again.”
  5. She will put the drink down and calmly say, “I know there is alcohol in this drink. You are not fooling me.”
  6. And then she will walk away. Don’t engage in an argument.  Don’t wait for him to deny. He won’t tell you the truth. Stop the battle before it starts.

He is NOT going to say, “You’re right honey. That’s a drink and I was trying to trick you. I love you so much. Please forgive me and wait right here while I throw it out.”

We both know that won’t happen so don’t expect it.

You know it’s a drink. I know it’s a drink. Your partner knows it’s a drink. Accept that you are with someone who drinks or uses drugs. For today, you’re choosing to stay with him or her. Tomorrow might be different, though, and you reserve the right to change your mind.

When you try to prove they are drinking or using, you’re attempting to control or admit they have a problem. Stop. Take a deep breath and remember you ARE in control - over yourself and your reaction. And you can go about your day with or without him or her now that you know the truth.

If you haven’t joined us in one of our programs and you want to find answers, hope, and happiness, what are you waiting for? Click here to check out the details. Our programs are offered for just $25 a month. If your partner is spending money on their bad habits, making an investment in your family's future is a more valuable choice, don't you think?

Nov 05 2017
12 mins
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Rank #17: A Truth About Sobriety That No One Talks About

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There is a very common issue in the world of addiction called dry drunk. It’s when someone is actively refraining from drinking, but still displaying signs of selfishness, stubbornness, lack of accountability, and blame.

And it’s shocking because for so long you’ve thought if they just got sober everything would be better.

If they just got sober, they would turn into the loving, kind person they used to be and your relationship would be everything you wanted and more.

But when they stop drinking they get cranky. And mean. You end up walking on eggshells even more because you never know what kind of mood they will be in.

And the selfish, narcissistic behavior actually gets worse. How could that be? Alcohol and/or drugs were the root of our problems, so why isn't it better?

If the one you love is resentful, angry, depressed, anxious, jealous, speaking fondly of his or her drinking days, self-obsessed, or now addicted to something else that’s unhealthy (like sex, video games, or food) they are probably considered a dry drunk.

So what do you do about it?

First, let’s start with the fact that this is normal behavior for some. Drinking or drug use was their way of coping. Now that that has been taken away, they are left with all these feelings and don’t know how to handle them like a mature, loving adult.

And unless they are willing to get outside help like counseling, AA support groups, a sober-living house, yoga, small groups, etc., this behavior will most likely continue.

The other sad news is that dry drunk behavior often leads to relapse. I’m not sharing this with you to make you scared, but I believe knowledge is power and removing the scales from your eyes is the BEST way to start your recovery and deal with this disease.

Most importantly, I need to you hear this, so lean in closely:

Their awful behavior is NOT your fault.

Don’t let this disease try to blame you. You’re a loving and wonderful partner. You’ve done the best you can to deal with this relationship.

If they get cranky, try not to be around them. You can sleep in another room, schedule things without them on the weekends, eat dinner when you feel like it, and don’t need to wait for them to show up.

Get busy getting busy. Create your own space until they get the help they need. Create and enforce your boundaries. And most importantly get the help you need.

If you haven’t joined us already, this is the time. There are three programs for every stage of your recovery (including mothers). Check them out by clicking here. It’s time to commit.

Nov 19 2017
19 mins
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Rank #18: How To Love Yourself While Loving An Alcoholic

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I met my first husband in high school.

At the time, I was broken.

I didn't have a super traumatic childhood like some people, but I was definitely lacking love and attention and seeking approval from the wrong crowd as a result.

I also really, really cared about people. Their pain was my pain. Even if it was a conversation with a stranger sitting next to me on a train. For that hour-long ride, I would listen as they told me about their sister dying. Or the woman I just met in the waiting room telling me about her husband fighting a war in a foreign land.

My heart hurt for them. And that’s okay.

Some people believe this would be a sign of codependency. And maybe it is. But it’s nothing I would choose to change about myself. I love that God gave me the gift of empathy and compassion for others.

Listening to someone who has the courage to be vulnerable with a total stranger is a privilege that should be honored.

And my guess, sweet listener, is that you have that gift too.

You are the kind of woman who feels other people’s pain. Who is willing to really listen.

So how do we make sure this gift of compassion for others is not used in a harmful way? How do we listen and love without getting hurt?

Our gift of compassion and empathy can sometimes harm us when we get confused and think that our healing will come from healing someone else.

Trying to take away someone else's pain doesn't take away our own.

It doesn't work like that, does it? Because what happens if they never heal? Or what happens if they do?

We, the caretakers, are still left in the same empty and sometimes lonely place we started.

Because we neglected ourselves.

We use our greatest gift of empathy and compassion for everyone but ourselves.

We excuse everyone else’s mistakes and behaviors but our own.

When our friends gain weight we tell them they still look beautiful. But how often do we tell ourselves that we’re beautiful?

When other moms are upset their children made a poor choice, how often do we assure them they are doing a great job, but we beat ourselves up when our kids make mistakes?

You see where I’m going with this?

The problem can be that when we love and encourage others, we forget to love and encourage ourselves.

So, my sweet, wonderful listener, I’m here to love and encourage you by reminding you that you are precious. You are beautiful. You have gifts to offer.

And I’m also here as someone who has been very guilty of this, to remind you to be your biggest fan.

Be kind and gentle with yourself. Choose to love and nurture you.

You are not being prideful. And anyone that says that loving yourself is wrong isn’t living with addiction. This disease can bring you down. Fast. Women who love alcoholics or substance abusers don’t suffer from pride. We’re the opposite. We suffer from never feeling good enough.

Let’s make a promise to each other. Let’s sit in that waiting room or train ride and before we give away our special gift of compassion, make sure we have given it to ourselves first.

Are you being too hard on yourself? Are you beating yourself up for not being good enough?

Take a moment today to love yourself while loving an alcoholic.

If you found this helpful, we have three courses that could change your life (and your relationship) PLUS a Secret Facebook Group filled with women just like you (so you will never feel lonely again). Click here to learn more.

Sep 08 2015
11 mins
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Rank #19: Why You Love An Alcoholic or Substance Abuser

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Wife of an Alcoholic podcast is a new community for women who love an alcoholic or substance abuser who may or may not be attending Al anon.  

Jul 29 2015
7 mins
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Rank #20: Detaching Without Frustration

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Detaching is a big buzzword in the recovery community. I hear a lot from the women in our secret Facebook group that detaching with love is almost impossible because it requires you to remove your emotions from the situation and from the outcome.

So, let’s say your loved one starts making bad choices by having a few drinks. Your instant reaction is to get upset and to feel like you’ve been punched in the gut again because they lied. They said they were going to get better. They said they weren't drinking.

Your detachment would mean you go through that immediate process, and then you auto correct yourself, and you say, “I’m not going to go in there and nag. I’m not going to point out that they know that I know. I am not going to yell or scream or have a temper tantrum. I’m not going to sulk. I’m just going to let that dysfunction happen, and I’m going to move on.”

That’s ultimately what detachment is: it’s taking away your power from somebody else’s actions.

It’s saying, “I’m going to choose to be responsible and accountable for how I feel in this moment regardless of what’s going on around me.”

A lot of women in our community say, “Okay, Michelle, I get that, but then I can’t get back in touch with the love that I have for them because I’m removing all of my emotions to prevent getting hurt. So how can I let my guard down, be vulnerable, and trust them but detach at the same time?”

It’s super hard, right? It’s a point of tension where you’re vulnerable and having a moment of real connection.

You have a great weekend with the person you love, and you think everything’s going to be better. Then they come in, and they’re high, or you catch them in a lie about their addiction, and you’ve been sucker punched. You think, “I should have detached. If I were detached, I wouldn't have felt that pain.”

I want you to know that these are normal feelings.

What I’m going to teach you today is all about how to get to the point where you're not riding this roller coaster ride of vulnerability and detachment. I’m going to teach you how to respect yourself enough to honor your feelings regardless of what’s going on with your addict.

And the way you do that is to get busy. Stop trying to invest in whether they are going to get sober or not.

Lower your expectations for the one you love.

So basically, you start off by saying, “I completely accept the fact that the person I am in love with might never get sober.”

That is a very hard thing to do. And I’m not saying that’s going to happen overnight.

But I want you to think about your next week, your next month, your next year, and then the next three years. I want you to imagine where you're going to live, how old your children will be (if you have children), and, if you’ll be working, what kind of job you will have.

In all those milestones, I want you to imagine your partner is still sick. There’s no improvement. And this disease is progressive, so if they don’t get help today or tomorrow, you know it's going to be worse next week and the week after that.

I’m not trying to crush your hope, but what I am saying is that if you go into your relationship with those expectations, it’s a pleasant surprise if they ever get sober. It’s a wonderful, miraculous thing that occurred.

And if they don’t get sober, they remain struggling, and you choose to stay with them, this gives you the best chance of happiness. I know that sounds completely backwards, but it’s true because you’re no longer living in a state of disappointment.

The reason why you feel like you're on this roller coaster ride is because there is some part of you that still hangs on to hope and believes they’re going to get sober tomorrow.

So, if you let go of the promises of good behavior, and you let go of any kind of hope they’re going to get sober for good, that allows you to get off the roller coaster ride.

It’s allowing you to say, “I fully accept that my loved one is struggling with a disease, and ultimately, I have no control over it. So if I am choosing to stay, I am choosing to accept this person for who they are today, their struggles and all.”

That’s the first step of detaching. The second step, once you’ve freed yourself of expectation, is to get busy. You need to join a gym, or you need to join a book club. Get involved with your grandbabies.

It doesn’t matter what you choose to do, but don’t sit around waiting like a hall monitor looking for all the ways or signs or symptoms they are still addicted. Get on with your life, and find joys in other areas.

If you're like, “Michelle, I heard you say that before, and that's not working well,” then you haven’t found something that ultimately gives you joy yet. You need to keep searching.

Ultimately, the goal is to get you to have such a joyful life with passions, hobbies, friends, and self-care that it doesn’t matter what they're doing. They could be totally sober or completely wasted, and either way, you’ve created this very rich, fulfilling life for yourself.

The lie that addiction wants you to believe is that you need a partner to have a joyful life.

You don’t need someone sober in your life in order to achieve that joy. That’s a lie. You can be alone. You can be a single mom, a single woman, or a married woman completely uninvested in their recovery and surrounded by this very joyful life.

I hope this helps break down detaching in a way that makes it tangible for you. And I understand that what I wrote in this post is particularly challenging and could be devastating.

But I believe in being truthful with you. I believe in getting you to that joyful life, and sometimes that means hearing things that make us uncomfortable.

I love you, and I know you can have that life. I believe you can have this support and love in your life no matter what the one you love decides to do or not.

Apr 15 2018
14 mins
Play

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