Rank #1: GOML LIVE #7 | I'm a pussy
I sparred with three guys today and had a pretty rough time trying to stay alive in the ring. Once again, 90% of the problem is mental and it’s the fear that tires you out. We take a ton of calls and re-explained the story behind the “I Like Your New Sunglasses” shirt.
Rank #2: GOML LIVE #6
After making fun of a terrible Sylvester Stallone movie about prisons, we go over highlights from the second DNC presidential candidate debates. It was gaffe after gaffe and they call culminated with Joe Biden telling us to go to Joe 30330 whatever the hell that means. We then sit down with Matt Palumbo to discuss his new book “Debunk This! Shattering Liberal Lies” and finally, we take about 100 calls.
Rank #3: Get Off My Lawn Podcast #44 | Picking up garbage has nothing to do with helping the environment
We start out attacking my neighbors for picking up twigs on earth day. Apparently sticks are bad for the environment and buying tons of plastic bags to pick them up is good for mother earth. Then, I talk about my weekend which included hanging out with cops and riding a boat around Manhattan. There were two major fights and Milo Yiannopoulos got chased out of a restaurant but otherwise it was a pretty fun weekend.
Rank #4: Get Off My Lawn Podcast #4 | People In New York Smell Bad
Today we introduce several controversial ideas including the notion that you really don’t enjoy frozen french fries but you eat them out of habit. We examine the difference between the left’s enforcement of their own dogma and the right’s ability to simply hope people adhere to decency. And finally, what about Trump making a special day for each color like, “National Blue Day” where everyone wears blue to work. It would be stupid and fun which is what the West is all about.
Rank #5: Get Off My Lawn Podcast #113 | Let's list all the people who are a noob
We're in Texas, yeeehaw! Drinking beer, talking about buttholes, treasured memories, and noobs. The audio is weird since we're using Lav mics. There's video of this one, go to my YouTube channel for that.
Rank #6: Get Off My Lawn Podcast #103 | How to have a perfect life
My life is far from perfect. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. This podcast is more a, “Do as I say not as I do” kind of thing. This extra-long ep tells you how to do everything right from birth, childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, marriage, parenthood, and retirement. Short version: try to make your life the 1980s.
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Rank #7: Get Off My Lawn Podcast #72 | There's a funny thing happening in comedy
This is a very serious episode about jokes and what’s happened to them. Political correctness has infiltrated all of comedy now and the result is sketch comedy, stand-up, movies, and TV are only allowed to offend one group: kids. Comedy is still wildly offensive but only in regards to that group. The end result is the bits become even more disgusting because you’re seeing comics handle blacks, Jews, gays etc with kid gloves and then treating children like they’re human garbage.
Rank #8: Get Off My Lawn Podcast #123 | Here are 10 tips for young men
1- BE CHEAP: Don’t go out with tons of people for a huge dinner. 2- TAKE ABUSE: You’re not going to make money for the first two years of doing a thing. Get over it. 3- BE FUNN: When courting a lady, focus on having a good time, not getting laid. 4- WEAR CLASSICS: If you’re not into fashion, stick to classics like Chuck Taylors. 5- DON’T FIGHT: If you need to get into a fight, keep it as short as possible. 6- DON’T EAT: Food is for pussies. 7- PARTY RIGHT: Follow the D.O.W.N.E.R. rules. 8- CLEAN YOUR ROOM: The road to improvement starts small. 9- QUIT PORN: Get off the couch. 10- FAMILY FIRST: Make good with your parents and siblings.
Rank #9: Get Off My Lawn Podcast #75 | Can You Guys Stop Ruining Art, Please?
Austin is banning bands and ruining their careers for not following the rules. I don’t want artists to follow the rules. I don’t even want them to know what the rules are. Same with movies. I don’t want to know how actors feel about climate change and the latest tax cuts. I want to pretend they are being chased by CIA operatives through Budapest. We keep ruining art by dissecting it and exposing every intimate detail. That’s like watching a chick get ready to go out. It ruins the surprise.
Rank #10: Get Off My Lawn Podcast #46 | I never really got tits
In this pornographic NSFW podcast, I get into the different types of tits and why my friend got AIDS. There’s also the time in high school the uncircumcised guys would fight the circumcised guys by wedgie-ing them to death. The moral of all these stories is men appreciate women a lot more than women seem prepared to admit. Basically, we’d sleep with any woman who hasn’t appeared on “My 600-lb life."
Rank #11: Get Off My Lawn Podcast #100 | There are sixteen celebrities on this show
In this celebrity-packed episode we hang out with at least 16 famous people Ryan Katsu Rivera can do with his mouth. We also get in to the nature of impressions and if it’s even possible to learn how to do them. This episode includes Bill Schulz, Ezra Levant, Sway, Bill Burr, Artie Lange, Tommy Lee Jones, Robert Downey Jr, Sam Elliot, Christopher Walken, Jim Gaffigan, and of course Tony Soprano.
Rank #12: Get Off My Lawn LIVE #5 | I Met A Junkie Bartender Last Night
(Formally titled "Get Off My Lawn podcast/vidcast" but these live shows should be distinguished from the audio podcasts)
We begin discussing one of the most awkward interviews of all time and posit theories on why the guy was so nervous. This brings us to the story about a cool barmaid who just became a mom after having what sounds like one of the worst childhoods imaginable. Turns out divorce and heroin are not a great way to raise a young girl. Then, we take calls and talk more about songs that are ripoffs of other songs.
Rank #13: Get Off My Lawn Podcast #29 | You Have to Make Your Own Culture
Having fun in high school has nothing to do with where you are or how much money you have. It has to do with how much culture you can invent. Come up with stupid rules and enforce them with vigilance. Get in trouble. Make mistakes. If you can’t be a human disaster when you’re a teenager, when can you be? This episode focusses on my high school years at the Earl of March in Kanata and all mind-blowing idiocy we used to get up to.
Rank #14: Get Off My Lawn Podcast #119 | So Joe Rogan and Jack Dorsey were talking about me
We review the Joe Rogan Twitter special, and correct some of the falsehoods that were sprinkled throughout the discussion of Gavin and the Proud Boys being purged from Twitter. Then we reach into the Male Bag, AKA the Scrotum.
Rank #15: #143 | I hate the New York Times
I was recently contacted by NYT reporter Rob Kuznia about my aversion to pornography. Apparently, some sex columnist who calls herself Lux Alptraum claims it’s anti-Semitic. The logic pretzel you need to get to this conclusion is a great example of Clown World journalism and how far papers like the New York Times have fallen. Social Justice Warriors aren’t just blogging at HuffPo anymore. They are at formerly reputable papers like NYT and Washington Post. They’re also on MSNBC and CNN. Antifa and Medium are reputable sources and if someone has a Word doc that says the president paid whores to pee on Obama’s bed, well that’s all the proof we need. What was once an exclusive is now an amateur orgy where the password to get in is, “Nazi.” We also go deep into the Mail Bag and discover our listeners insults could do with a tune-up.
Rank #16: Get Off My Lawn Podcast #87 | Did I ever tell you about the time I drank AIDS blood?
I start out discussing the dumbest thing I’ve ever done which brings us to Halloween and AIDS in general. I then attempt to quash any beef me and the Proud Boys have with DMS because they are very scary dudes who go to jail - a lot. This brings the conversation to a talk I had with DMS co-founder Scott Ebanks who did 20 years for a crime he didn’t commit (a charge that would have stuck in UK because they are insane). The big picture here is we all get lost in the weeds with petty differences when we should be focussing on real problems like America's corrupt prison system, welfare, the drug war, the opioid crisis, Jihadism, and the normalization of communism.
Rank #17: Get Off My Lawn Podcast #42 | Let's Just Abolish School
I start out with a pretty reasonable idea: liberal arts colleges are a complete waste of time and you should only go to college if you’re going to take STEM. However, soon after, I get radical and suggest that grade school should be about 80% recess with only a few, curious students doing any real studying. Sure, they should learn to read and write but the rest should be up to the few who really want to learn. Oh, and kids should also have random jobs like building license plates. This new structure would leave a society with only about 5% getting higher education. Good. Now we have way less student debt and way more tradesmen. Insisting everyone is smart is stupid.
Rank #18: Get Off My Lawn Podcast #32 | Zambia has Outlawed Sex Dolls
Wherein the host, me, argues that we used to be much less humorless 20-30 years ago. Xenophobia was considered amusing and it was simply a given that the West is the best. To prove this, I go over some examples of anti-PC comedy from the 70s (PJ O’Rourke’s National Lampoon essay “Foreigners Around the World”) and use it to not only prove that xenophobia can be amusing but also that the West is inarguably superior to everywhere else in the world.
Rank #19: Get Off My Lawn Podcast #43 | Why does everything have to be so perfumed?
I start out crapping on doggie doo doo bags and how much I hate that they’re perfumed. This starts a whole rant about all the things I hate including flip-flops, fake boobs, baby boomers’ ring tones, the beeping sound trucks make when they go in reverse, helmets on ski slopes, and the way restaurants give everyone a gigantic glass of water before anyone orders anything. I thought the common thread for all of these would be deception but self-indulgence and cowardice are also big contenders. When I become dictator, all of this will be abolished.
Rank #20: Get Off My Lawn Podcast #14 | Tell me something that's true that almost nobody agrees with you on
PayPal founder Peter Thiel says this is the ideal question for job interviews, but it's also a great question for hanging out with your buddies in a bar. While playing this game over the holidays we learned: Mentors leave you worse off, teamwork doesn’t work, 95% of education is a complete waste of time, America is racist toward white people, our idea of domestic abuse is deeply flawed, and no food is bad food if you simply burn more than you take in.