Rank #1: How To Get Over Loneliness During Your Divorce
How To Get Over Loneliness During Your Divorce
Loneliness affects almost every divorced person in one way or another. Dr. John Cacioppo joins the Over Divorce Podcast to talk about loneliness. He is the Tiffany and Margaret Blake Distinguished Service Professor and Director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago.
Dr. Cacioppo is a pioneer in the field of social neuroscience and the author of more than 500 scientific articles and 20 books including Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection.
Among the awards he has received is the Troland Award from the National Academy of Sciences, the Distinguished Scientific Contribution Award from American Psychological Association, a MERIT Award from the National Institute of Health and is recognized one of the top 50 most eminent psychologists of the Modern Era.
His research in social neuroscience is devoted to understanding the neural, cellular, and molecular mechanisms underlying the social structures and processes that define us as a social species.
During the show we explore the following issues:
- Why you are genetically programmed to feel loneliness and what to do about it.
- The evolution of loneliness and how it impacts you during divorce.
- Why your brain is isolating you from other people and how to deal with it.
- Find out the connection between sleep and loneliness.
- How loneliness protects your social body so that you can survive and prosper.
- The difference between being alone and feeling lonely.
- The link between loneliness and physical pain.
- Why loneliness during divorce is completely normal and not a sign of weakness.
- Why your brain hides your loneliness and how to spot it.
- How to get control over your divorce loneliness.
- How to use Facebook to lower loneliness.
- Why loneliness is just as dangerous as obesity.
- Cacioppo reveals his E.A.S.E methodology for getting rid of loneliness.
- Why you only need 1 or 2 good relationships to feel connected.
Read the transcript here
Make sure you check out Dr. Cacioppo’s website for more information about loneliness http://www.johncacioppo.com/
Dr. Cacioppo book Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection can be found on Amazon.
Rank #2: Kezia Noble Dating After Divorce Expert On The Over Divorce Podcast
Dating After Divorce
Kezia Noble is an internationally renowned attraction and dating expert for men and is our guest on this episode of the Over Divorce podcast. Kezia points out that she’s not a “pickup artist” and distinguishes herself by focusing on the individual’s natural, authentic style.
Kezia discusses the most common mistakes that men make when they start dating after divorce. She discusses the fears that men have of women when they go out to meet potential or ideal mates. She discusses the error of stereotyping women and putting women on a pedestal as opposed to simply treating them with respect. She points out the difficulty dating after divorce and being creative when under stress and how that stress prevents men from improvising and remembering. This results in decision paralysis. She also discusses the danger associated with drinking and socializing.
Kezia discusses “approach anxiety” and some very effective methods of coping with that anxiety -specifically exposure therapy and desensitization as well as exercises she recommends to remedy those fears. She describes the “blow out game” and how it can radically build self-confidence by building the ability to own one’s rejection. Kezia redefines “snowballing” (don’t look that up-NSFW) which is a method of working the room by starting with the staff and employees (Kezia calls them “hired guns”) to get your conversational skills warmed-up.
Kezia acknowledges the difficulty inherent in the advice of “just be confident” and confessed frankly about her own battles with confidence.
The podcast explores on-line dating after divorce techniques and Kezzia offers some tips for improving their profile page by using emotional language and detail in the profile page.
Kezia also discusses the power of “negative attraction’ and the power of bonding over things that you dislike and the extreme danger of posting pictures of cats on your profile page. The podcast explores “mansplaining” and how it can kill an otherwise great conversation.
The post Kezia Noble Dating After Divorce Expert On The Over Divorce Podcast appeared first on OverDivorce.
Rank #3: Welcome To The Over Divorce Podcast For Men
Over Divorce Podcast Overview
Adrian and Tom re-cut the first episode of the podcast in order to be able to provide insight into the upcoming shows.This Podcast is an overview of the show, which is devoted to make the divorce event a growth opportunity. We are here to provide advice and coping skills to men that are going through a divorce. We will be interviewing guests and industry experts to get the best advice and insights into getting over your divorce. The podcast reviews Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) are each explored as an anecdotal framework for the stages of divorce recovery. Tom and Adrian discuss the roller-coster of emotions that people grieving divorce go through. We talk about the hell that you go through when getting a divorce. We also discuss the ebbs and flows of mood and antidotes for wide swings in mood.
Here are some previews into future episodes:
Friends and Family
Legal Matters with Louis Tesser
We share some of our hurdles, struggles and what we have learned along the way. Adrian and Tom discuss the failure of rational thought in the face of emotional collapse and the accompanying shock that occurs.The requirement of consensus in the modern marriage is discussed. There is also an appeal to join the community via the bulletin board as well as a review of the 60 in 60 guide available by simply providing an email address.
If you like what you have heard on the podcast, please give us a review on iTunes it would really help to get the word out about the podcast. Also make sure that you check out our eBook on coping with divorce, it’s free and it might give you some good techniques and tips for getting over your divorce.
A Transcript of the podcast is available here
Rank #4: Coping With The First Stages Of Divorce With Dr. Sam Buser
We’re talking about coping with the first stages of divorce with psychologist Dr. Sam Buser. He specializes in helping men to grow though their divorce. He’s taught graduate courses in marital and family therapy for 20 years at the University of Houston and the Baylor College of Medicine. He’s the past-president of both the Houston and Texas Psychological Associations. He was the Director of the Family Therapy Program at the Houston Veterans Administration. Currently he is the Staff Psychologist for the Houston Fire Department and maintains a practice specializing in men’s issues, relationship problems, and adventure therapy. He is also the author of The Guy’s Only Guide to Getting Over Divorce. On this episode of the podcast we discuss:
- The 2 most common questions that guys ask therapists about divorce.
- How to know when to stop trying to get your ex back.
- The two different mindsets of women that ask for divorce.
- The relationship between fighting and reconciliation.
- What to do if your wife wants a divorce.
- Why women are attracted to guys that are going through divorce.
- What women want most in a man.
- One of the biggest problems that men have after divorce and how to solve it.
- How to know when you are ready for another relationship.
- The amount of time that you should wait before getting into a committed relationship.
- How to deal with the separation period.
- What to expect during the first few months of divorce.
- How to communicate with your children about your divorce.
- The guidelines for communicating with your ex-wife.
- Two tricks to managing anger during divorce.
- The benefits to adventure therapy.
Dr. Buser recommends reading: Breaking Barriers in Counseling Men: Insights and Innovations by Aaron Rochlen and Fredric Rabinowitz.
Make sure to check out Dr. Buser’s book http://www.guysonlyguides.com/
If you would like to work with or find out more about Dr. Buser go to his divorce website:
3435 Branard, Suite 202
Houston, Texas 77027-6031
Phone: (713) 623-2110
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Rank #5: How To Overcome Anger During Divorce
Today we have Jessica Ehrenworth, a registered therapist with over a decade of experience helping people who are going through divorce. Jessica has a Master’s degree in Counselling Psychology and she co-founded and runs The Centre for Health and Anger Resolution which worked with men and women, couples and individuals, to overcome the stigma of anger and conflict and learn how to experience and express their emotions in healthy ways.
We talk about:
- The two different types of emotions and their impact on your energy.
- How to take control of your emotions
- How our emotions interact with one another
- How to tap into your emotions by being aware of your body
- The relationship of shame and anger
- A simple breathing exercise to help you deal with your anger
- The best ways to deal with anger
- The importance of practicing anger management techniques
- The biggest mistakes people make when dealing with anger
- How to use your emotions to set up boundaries
You can find out more about Jessica below:
66 Centre Street, Upper Unit Thornhill, Ontario L4J 1G2
Rank #6: Kids -The Over Divorce Podcast
Tom begins the podcast reminding the listener that the welfare of the children is paramount to the state and anyone involved in the dispensation of the assets and the fiscal responsibilities of the divorcing parents.
Adrian shares that in his divorce he and his ex broke up their marriage in phases- and that they were both on the same page in terms.
Tom reflects on the urge to engage children in the communication process and the problems that causes. Adrian reinforces the difficulties in using children as mediators and how it can cause kids to manipulate the situation to their benefit. Adrian continues by reminding the listener about the problem of leaning on your kids for emotional support.
Tom reflects on “manning up” and presenting a stiff upper lip and not allowing the hurt of your break-up to effect the relationship and maintaining continuity.
Adrian reminds the listener that kids will use parental reactions as guides for their own behavior and how they might probe for weakness in discipline and consistency. And discusses examples of how his kids try to use the break-up as a means to get toys and other things that they want.
Tom references Jim Smoke’s Growing Through Divorce’s “Disneyland Dad” and reinforces the critical value of ritual and routine.
Tom and Adrian discuss the value of communicating through email and re-enforce kids inability to support their parents’ emotional well-being.
Tom closes with the importance of separating emotional responses from your children and keeping a positive attitude about your relationships with them-regardless of your emotional state relative to your ex.
Transcript of the podcast is available here
Rank #7: Hypnotica On Control, Power and Confidence-The Over Divorce Podcast
Control, power and confidence are discussed in this episode. Famed self-help guru Eric Von Sydow a.k.a. Hypontica joins the podcast. Tom and Adrian” pose questions about dating and figuring out when one is ready to date.
Eric has 20 years of diverse experience running strip clubs and helping people and relationships. He shares tips about “the Inner Game”, recovery from emotional trauma, and how he manages members of Seal teams when things get out of hand. “Chaos keeps you on your toes”.
Adrian and Eric discuss hypnosis and Hoʻoponopono. And how some of Eric’s earlier work helped Adrian transition out of marriage.
Eric also tells about being in an open relationship and breaking up with an ex-girlfriend. and discusses the value of going through pain and the importance of closure even in the context of low levels of communication.
Eric discusses the error of giving away your manhood and surrendering your power. He says it’s about leadership and surrendering the role of leader. Eric says women become resentful of having to take the lead.
Adrian reflects on the value of taking ownership of identity and Eric shares the power of owning the vision and the tragedy of surrendering the vision small piece by small piece. Eric challenges the listener around knowing where their identity is centered and how that gets tested.
Tom adds that the power in a relationship seems to be a function of proactivity vs. reactivity- that reactivity requires less effort and turns to boredom.
Eric makes a strong case for self-love driving the ability to form meaningful relationship and shares tips for self-actualization, including being the person you want to be first. A self audit becomes critical to self-development. He also shares some tips for taking responsibilities, for vision, and acknowledging where you are and leaving victimhood behind.
Eric promotes practical use of dating sites, advocates for a short rebound after divorce , and to be as social as possible as quickly as possible. He makes the point that there is more than one way to grieve.
Adrian notes that the hard choice and the right choice are often the same.
Eric reinforces the simplicity associated with choosing your path and owning the responsibility of your choices as opposed to being locked-in by fear of the unknown or fear of social rejection. Eric discusses methods of confronting fears in order to break out of personal ruts.
Everyone discusses the meanings and distinctions of good and bad stress. and Eric confirms the importance of one’s own opinion of themselves relative to the opinion of others. He also discusses the limits of effort and the importance of systems to assessing efforts put forward to a given outcome.
Brain-hacks and other efforts are discussed in order to take ownership of goals to optimize personal systems.
A transcript is available here.
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Rank #8: Escapism While Going Through Your Divorce
Escapism While Going Through Your Divorce
We discuss the advantages and disadvantages of escapism while going through your divorce. By escapism we mean “The fun Stuff”: Beer, Wine, Spirits, tobacco, sex and other distractions. It is easy to go down a negative path when you are facing the challenges of a divorce. This path can lead to a life time of problems and hardship. Tom shares his flirtations with alcohol and Adrian shares is affection for nicotine. The idea of escapes adding to the work and hardship of divorce is explored and the difficulty of quitting vices is identified.
We talk about the importance of moderation while trying to find the balance of distracting your self in a positive way when you are going through a divorce. We discuss the great benefits that exercise can have on your mind and body. Exercise has been proven to be more effective than medication to help with depression, something that usually goes hand-in-hand when going through a divorce. We talk about doing yoga and some of the good things that can come out of exploring that. Adrian advocates hiking and Tom discusses the vanity surrounding starting a regime and how to combat the embarrassment of starting to exercise and setting achievable goals.
Adrian applies the Japanese manufacturing Kaizen principals to starting a healthy exercise program. The idea of taking small, seemingly insignificant, steps to keep you moving forward during your divorce. We also chat about the benefits of martial arts and how they can help you while going through your divorce.
Be sure to check out our divorce recovery guide, it will give you some great advice and techniques to help cope with your divorce.
If you want to read a transcript of the “Escapism While Going Through A Divorce” then you can check it out here: Escapism While Going Through Your Divorce
Rank #9: How To Control Your Emotions And Cope With Divorce.
Dr. Lisa Condon joins the show and delivers great tips on gaining power over your emotions by using compassion to better cope with your divorce. Dr. Condon is a clinical psychologist; she specializes in helping her clients to gain a better subjective experience about their experiences and lives. She gives advice on how to cope with your divorce. She focuses on assisting her divorcing patients to become more compassionate with themselves in order to emphasize their strengths. We talk about the following:
- Why our natural fight or flight instincts can get in the way of your divorce recovery.
- How to relate to your feelings without being overwhelmed by them.
- How to know when you are in a bad place in your emotional state.
- The power of channeling your emotions into something productive and beneficial.
- How to gain power by being vulnerable during your divorce.
- Why we are wired to ruminate about our feelings and what we can do to break that chain.
- The mistakes that we make when we are in a reactive emotional state.
- How you can create an easy “meditation” check in to steady your emotions.
- The dangers of judging yourself too harshly while you’re going through your divorce.
- How self-compassion builds resilience and strength.
- The importance of setting up a mindfulness practice and how to do it.
- How the feeling of control lessen the negative feelings of stress.
Dr. Condon recommends a book by Tara Brach to help with acceptance: Radical Acceptance
More information about Pema Chodron meditation
Also, check out Eric Barker’s piece on will power:
You can find out more about Dr. Condon and her practice at The Dolan House
The Dolan House
156 College Street, Suite 201
Burlington, Vermont 05401
The post How To Control Your Emotions And Cope With Divorce. appeared first on OverDivorce.
Rank #10: Making Decisions During Your Divorce
Making Decisions During Your Divorce
Adrian and Tom open by discussing control. What kind of action that can be taken in the context? Tom discusses the futility of reason and persuasion. Tom and Adrian agree that expediting the goal of the partner leaving, and move to righting yourself. Tom discusses his decision about selling his home. Adrian shares the story go how his father advises him about making the decision right as opposed to making the right decision. Adrian furthers the tactic as a means of breaking out of the victim role. Tom challenges Adrian’s thesis about making the decision right in the context of a bad decision. Adrian counters by reflecting on the “time factor” as it relate to make the decision right.
Tom References The Boxer Rebellions song from The Cold Still “Move On”. Divorce is a major disruption to a live of habits. There is an option to taken new habits and make better decision .Tom references ‘The Decision Book’ and Neil Peart with respect to choosing not to make a decision and in doing so still make a choice. He goes on to reflect on things like food and art and life that had been abandoned and need to be re-adopted in order to re-assert their identity. Tom discusses the OK Cupid questions that can strongly predict potential compatibility. Tom discusses the the problem of decision making at work when you question the core decisions you’ve made regarding
Adrian counters by citing The Dr. Paul Dobransky Mind OS by and the value of learning that comes from decisions– even the most banal decisions can help when times are at their most difficult.
Tom and Adrian discuss the value of list building and self-typing in terms of decision processes. Tom reflects on his Astronauts and Marines model of decision making. Two heroic archetypes that make decisions in completely different ways. Tom postulates ways to determine which group you fall into and what your strengths might be depending on your proclivity.
Adrian adds that regardless of your decision style it’s important to get some insight form an expert to help you getting into the habit of making decisions. Tom reinforces Adrian’s point by referencing the importance of building lists and the power of simply adding a task on the list as a means of moving forward–a key theme of the podcast.
Transcript of the podcast is here: Decisions During Your Divorce
Rank #11: Judge Sexton’s Insider’s Secrets- How To Win In Divorce Court
Joining the podcast is former judge Susan Sexton. Susan was not only the first woman to be elected as a circuit judge in Tampa, Florida but also the youngest. As a judge, she served in all divisions of the court: everything from Probate, Guardianship, Mental Health and most recently Criminal and Family Law.
In addition, she was an adjunct professor at Hillsborough County Community College where she taught a course in Family Law and was an instructor in Muenster, Germany teaching American criminal procedure.
Susan is a speaker at various legal education programs. She is also the author of an e-book called “5 Steps to Hiring the Right Divorce Lawyer”. The first 10 listeners can get a FREE copy of the book! Just send an email to JudgeSexton@iCloud.com and tell her that you heard about the her on the OverDivorce Podcast.
During the show we talk about:
• The biggest mistake that guys make when going to court.
• The significance of showing respect to the court during a hearing.
• Does what you wear impact how a judge perceives you in court?
• The most important elements that you need to convey during a hearing.
• A judge’s perspective on mediation.
• The importance of being prepared for court.
• How criminal court differs from family court.
• How lawyers try and influence judges.
• Questions you should ask your attorney about how they bill.
• Best ways to keep costs low during your divorce.
You can find out more about Judge Susan Sexton by going to her website: www.judgesexton.com
You can follow her on twitter @judgesexton
Make sure that you get a FREE copy of her book “5 Steps to Hiring the Right Divorce Lawyer” by sending her an email JudgeSexton@iCloud.com. Susan is giving away copies to the first 10 listeners that contact her and mention OverDivorce in the email.
The post Judge Sexton’s Insider’s Secrets- How To Win In Divorce Court appeared first on OverDivorce.
Rank #12: Friends and Family- The Over Divorce Podcast
Tom tells about his concern regarding losing friends in his divorce and discovering that his friends were still there for him. Adrian discusses how his family supported him and how he looked to his friends on a daily basis.
Tom discusses the pack mentality associated with less-close friends and how some treated him as diseased. He reflects on the point that people don’t think as much about someone else’s divorce as they do their own life.
Adrian discusses the difficulty for men to reach out to their friends and the difficulty men have venting or being patient with someone else’s venting. Tom cites Author John Gray’s thesis that men don’t listen to aide venting, they listen to try and solve problems.
Tom shares a story of travel strictly for the benefit of interacting with friends. and Adrian shares the dangers of toxic friends and toxic families- those who aggressively judge your behavior and situation. Adrian and Tom also point out that most relationships have both healing and toxic properties.
Tom shares the revolution of trust that comes from sharing the facts of his separation and the truth of the wisdom that you get out of a relationship what you put into it.
Adrian recalls his worry that vocalizing that a relationship is in crisis makes that crisis real. He also reflects on the difficulties presented by the retelling of the banal facts of his divorce bringing back a lot of the original pain of the separation. Tom and Adrian reveal the problem of therapy and its contribution to making divorce seem more inevitable. Adrian share the value of the support that comes from sharing the reality of the divorce with his mom and other members of his family.
Tom points out that friends will support you and remind you that they do, in fact, care about you regardless of what has happened to you.
Adrian reminds the listener that divorce gives you the opportunity to rebuild an identity one more authentic to who you are.
Tom reinforces the the idea that many aspects of the identity that had been suppressed in order to be part of a team may reemerge and the healing that comes after the tearing apart of the old relationship.
Adrian discusses the pleasant and unpleasant surprises that accompany reaching out to friends and family.
Tom discusses the dangers of getting “fixed-up” and Adrian talks shares a story of how people were trying to help him become his old self.
A transcript of this podcast is available here.
Rank #13: Common Mistakes with Randy Cooper– Over Divorce
Certified Divorce Coach founder Randy Cooper joins us in this episode of the Over Divorce podcast. Randy is author of a book and leading the charge for advocacy of divorce coaching.
Randy talks about the subject of his book -the six biggest mistakes people make when getting a divorce. Randy shares insight into the benefits of having someone on your side who fills a different role than those of a therapist or attorney- helping you think creatively about ways to stay on task,and focused. We discuss stories and share tips on a more healthy divorce and the way to get it. Insight into taxes IRAs and smarter ways of splitting up assets are reviewed. We discuss some of the pitfalls of leaning too hard on your attorney and extending divorce proceedings longer than they need to go. Randy discusses the risks of “Throwing in the Towel” and not advocating in your own best interest -as your “best-self”.
View the podcast transcript here
Rank #14: Tantric Sex As A Tool For Coping With Divorce
Tantric Sex and Coping With Divorce
Managing your sex drive is an important part of coping with divorce. August joins the show to talk about sex. She is a certified Reiki practitioner and has studied Tantra for over 20 years. On this episode of the podcast she talks about masturbation, sexual energy and taboos around sex. During the show we talk about:
- What tantric sex is.
- How masturbation develops your sex muscle.
- Whether or not you should masturbate.
- How masturbation can lead to shame for young men.
- What women want most out of a sexual experience.
- Sexual Kung Fu and the redistribution of sexual energy.
- Find out the difference between orgasms and ejaculation.
- Learn about the “job” of tantric practice.
You can find out more about August her experience and practice at http://sensualhealingarts.wordpress.com/
Rank #15: How To Take Responsibility During Your Divorce
Taking responsibility during your divorce.
Taking responsibility actually helps expedite the healing process as opposed to delaying the recovery with short-term fixes.
Tom raises the issue of responsibility for making the decisions and actions right even the decision to divorce. It’s a powerful way to take ownership of the decision. Responsibility finds its center with the children. Tom raises the point of the responsibility for self-care.
Adrian advises that in one’s review of the factors leading to a divorce a person should work to see the factors they contributed to and take responsibility for them. Tom wonders about the destructive nature of blaming oneself for the ending of a relationship and how it might reverse the progress.
Responsibility means avoiding a martyr or victim mentality. Work to understand and control what you have over: your own decisions and actions and take ownership and understand them – and let go of the things you don’t.
“Act or Accept” becomes a key mantra as you work to avoid the stigma of “being divorced” Tom notes that this effect becomes more acute as one gets older. He further discusses the isolation that can sometimes drives people away from social interaction. The social pressure to re-engage while profound, can be limiting in self actualization and it’s pressure to belong is rooted in peer group’s desire to normalize the life experience of those close to them.
Tom discusses the analogy of sales and establishing report with prospects. He notes few prospects care about a sales person’s needs.
Adrian reinforces the idea that divorce presents opportunity for reinvention and Tom discusses the convenience of re-setting one’s diet in the context of making better food choices as a key way to begin to adopt good habits.
The message of small-step success is reinforced and Tom shares tips like list-building for using small bits of momentum to avoid disappointment that sabotages and subverts efforts to improve. Adrian discusses the sense of control and confidence that small-step success can bring.
The transcript for this podcast is located here