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Aftercare for animal films by Simon Barrett, Mikal Britt, and Mike Loughran.

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Nightmare 11: Mooch Goes To Hollywood

Mooch Goes To Hollywood really destroyed us.  This is not an “alone movie” as Mike says in this episode.  So many things about this “movie” make no sense.  And the parts that do make sense are deeply problematic and misogynist.  But hey it was the early 70s right?!?  Compares to Linda Lovelace’s sad life.  Shout out to Benji and Thurston Howl III.  Not a single “joke” in this movie is funny.  The color of the film is legitimately vomit-inducing.  And Zsa Zsa Gabor gives lots of questionable advice to Mooch.  Oh, poor sad Mooch. This is a rarely seen movie for a good reason.  We had high hopes for it.  Then we felt like we got sucker punched in the stomach.  Fun.Tell us what movies make you sick: cinemanimals@gmail.com

1hr 4mins

11 Nov 2019

Rank #1

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Nightmare 13: Andy the Talking Hedgehog

From the dungeon of unpublished Cinemanimals episodes, we unearth a movie that you might not believe actually exists, but sadly, it does.  Or maybe magically it does.  And when the movie about the talking hedgehog also stares Tara Reid and Dean Cain, well it would be stupid NOT to watch this movie.  By the way, the hedgehog never rides on a horse as the DVD cover hints.  Director Joel Paul Reisig has his own production company called “Be Your Own Hollywood.”  Feeling super-inspired yet?  Not much competition in the hedgehog movie genre.  This is one of those episodes where we are so confounded by what was on screen, the line between our distaste and pleasure becomes blurry.  There a million ways to lose your mind while watching this movie.  And we talk about all of them.  This episode was originally recorded in spring 2019.  It is also another “fan” edited episode, completed by Harrison Pasley, many thanks to him or else we would have nothing to post.  Or maybe blame him.  Get ready to hear us avoid talking about this film for as long as we can.  Then we can’t stop.Send us jokes: cinemanimals@gmail.com

1hr 8mins

10 Dec 2019

Rank #2

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Nightmare 12: Going Bananas

Ah, back in the simple times of the 1980s, when placing random characters in Africa was funny.  Back when Africa was funny enough on its own.  Throw in Dom DeLuise (father of 21 Jump Street star Peter DeLuise) and a naughty, talking monkey, played not by a real monkey but rather by a little person in a monkey suit, and well, frankly speaking, this is movie magic.  As usual, we ponder who was this movie made for?  We ask if staring at a wall for the same amount of time as the movie length would be time better spent?  This episode is our first one edited by a guest editor and listener.  I’d say this person did well!  AFRICA!We write back: cinemanimals@gmail.com


17 Nov 2019

Rank #3

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Nightmare Bonus #1: Gus

Do you the difference between a mule and donkey?  Neither do we, but we almost figure it out on this episode.  Do you know what a “hinny” is?  You will if you listen to this special bonus episode.  Why is it special and bonus?  I’ll tell you why.  Because we recorded it back on 4/20.  Four twenty dude!  This was technically our third episode, but we hadn’t actually started posting yet.  We were perfecting our craft.  We still are.  Forever.  Anyway… this movie called Gus from 1976 does not feature a donkey (Don Key), but it does feature Don Knots.  And it is about a football playing mule (American football).  The mule is from Yugoslavia.  And when it kicks, wow the sound effect is really something else!  This is a Disney movie, from a time period where Disney was making a lot of movies like this.  It’s got some really special moments and we believe the first movie to use the classic animal-sports movie line “well, there’s no rule in the rule book that says you can’t…”  The mule even gets drunk!  You’ll feel drunk just by watching the movie or listening to this podcast.We never write back: cinemanimals@gmail.com


11 Oct 2019

Rank #4

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Nightmare 21: Day Of The Animals

This is a throw-back, one of our very early episodes, originally recorded around Halloween 2019.  We review this 1977 “classic” which at the time was the first animal-themed horror movie for the podcast.  But we’ve grown up and if you are familiar with our podcast, you might notice how the show has evolved (devolved?).  But there are a lot of new fresh drops in this episode.  I hope you know what drops are.  Maybe you call them stingers.  In any event, they were all made recently and we are excited about them.  But who cares about the drops?  I know that you, the faithful listener, are here for the animals.  Do we deliver?  Well if you consider Leslie Nielsen shirtless in the rain to be an animal, then we definitely talk about animals in this episode.  There is lots of film history to explore here, and Simon does not hold back.  We start to heat up about half-way through as we realize how much we dislike yet love this terrible awesome movie.  We discuss what is potentially problematic in the film, and Simon & Mike educate about women’s rights.  This episode might be for the hardcore cinemanimal fans.  Simon accuses us of being “low energy” towards the end.  We are not “low energy”.  Or maybe we are.  You decide.  The most striking thing about this episode is I’m not sure if we hate this movie or love it.  Or maybe we just hate ourselves?  Maybe we hate you?  It’s really hard to be sure of anything after watching this movie.  As always, we have an email address: cinemanimals@gmail.com

1hr 3mins

20 Apr 2020

Rank #5

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Nightmare 6: Poochinski

Poochinski oozes and pulsates with a bizarre energy that is both sickening and confounding.  It takes the guys nearly 30 minutes to even get up the courage to talk about the darn failed TV pilot.  Mikal is calling from a webinar inside his car, Simon explains why his dog has started taking Xanax, and Mike is perplexed by earthquakes and the triangle of life. Poochinski crosses many lines, but also never quite makes a full statement.Don’t hesitate to write: cinemanimals@gmail.com

1hr 6mins

9 Aug 2019

Rank #6

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Nightmare 8: Top Dog / Cop Dog Part One

Top Dog is a movie.  So is Cop Dog.  But they are very different movies.  However both feature dogs and cops.  Kind of.  Why we were crazy enough to think reviewing two animals films in one episode was a good idea is lost on me now.  However, as usual, we are able to draw deep truths, interesting parallels, and lots of laughs from both movies.  But in all honesty, this is torture.  Still Top Dog does feature Nazis and Racial Unity Conferences and begs the question – who was this movie made for?  Plus lots of fun facts about Chuck Norris.  And favorite segments such as Is The Male Lead Seen Wearing His Underwear and Is The Animal Still Alive?Please do not e-mail us: cinemanimals@gmail.com


20 Sep 2019

Rank #7

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Nightmare 14: A Dog For Christmas and More…

Notice the various posters for this movie.  The dog definitely never rides in a flying sleigh.  Notice the different dogs featured on the covers.  Notice the various Dean Cains.  Notice the Dustin Diamond.  Yes, we wish everyone a happy holiday in the worst way possible.  By recommending terrible movies featuring animals. In this episode, we are all feeling very depressed and angry because we all watched different garbage movies about the holidays.  The movies all sort of involved dogs.  Only in retrospect did we realize we should’ve watched The Christmas Bunny because there are not  too many bunny movies.  We discuss Deep Fake Technology Dogs and moist paint.  We examine the confounding Joel Paul Reisig “movie” A Dog For Christmas, which we thought starred two Dean Cains, but it doesn’t.  Only one Dean Cain.  We learn some history about Dean Cain.  The movie also stars Screech from Saved by the Bell and that guy from Home Improvement.  Does the movie feature a dog?  Maybe.  Listen to find out.  Then we half-watched a few other “movies” and try to explain them.  We get back to one of our most important questions: does the dog push something off of a shelf?  The upsetting film A Golden Winter features a character named Tinkle and deals with abandonment and the foreclosure of a house.  Husbands lie to their wives so they can take naps.  Sorry if this ruins your holidays.We accept e-mails: cinemanimals@gmail.com

1hr 10mins

26 Dec 2019

Rank #8

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Nightmare 17: Robo-Dog

* * This week’s episode is un-edited, uploaded “as is” * *This week we watched ROBO-DOG, a 2015 film about a dog who suffers an excruciating death and is revivified by an Inventor Dad, who installs a vacuum in Robo-dog’s butt. We get deep on what exactly a “real” “life” “live-action” “dog” is and whether a dog portraying a robot dog counts as one, and whether this episode is even valid for our podcast, and ultimately whether the whole Cinemanimals universe is valid or not. Someone says something about Howie Mandel, Mikal sets the record straight about toilet paper and reads the URL for an exclusive website full of animal facts and and then reads the titles of a lot of movies other than the one we are talking about, Mike delivers a mostly-accurate sixty second lecture on the history of grammar and shares a hard truth about the word spatula, and Simon shares his correct opinion that it’s funny when a character’s clothes are blasted off.

1hr 12mins

21 Mar 2020

Rank #9

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Nightmare 7: K-9

Cops month continue!!!  Here we find “the Belush” wearing a too large suit trying to be funny.  Inevitably, the comparisons to Turner & Hooch begin.  But K-9 is its own movie with its own charm.  The more one talks about K-9, the more one falls in love with it.  Other things in this episode: we discuss how to pronounce the name of our podcast, Simon introduces a new segment that is hard to pronounce, we get lost talking about Theodore Rex, Whoopi Goldberg, and Kim Basinger, why dinosaurs are not in the bible, the Lincoln/Kennedy similarities, Mikal imitates a German person, the self-help book that “the Belush” wrote, how to pronounce “ogle” in Mike’s English Minute, the progressive nature of the scene in K-9 where “the Belush” gets his dog laid by a dog prostitute.  We get so deep into K-9, dissecting the beauty of this wonderful film that we hate.  Overall, we recognize more and more patterns that emerge in most animal movies and learn to hate ourselves even more.Talk us off the roof: cinemanimals@gmail.com

1hr 12mins

20 Aug 2019

Rank #10