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Redemptive Living Radio

Looking for hope and redemption after sexual betrayal? Then this is the podcast for you! We’re Shelley and Jason Martinkus, authors of four books, including Worthy of Her Trust and we’ve been there. We’re nearly two decades into our own recovery work, and have dedicated our lives to helping other men, wives and marriages on the journey toward wholeness. With candor, vulnerability and authenticity we want to walk with you, too! Tune in as we address the highs and lows, the hard questions and the challenges couples face as they pursue redemptive living.

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Looking for hope and redemption after sexual betrayal? Then this is the podcast for you! We’re Shelley and Jason Martinkus, authors of four books, including Worthy of Her Trust and we’ve been there. We’re nearly two decades into our own recovery work, and have dedicated our lives to helping other men, wives and marriages on the journey toward wholeness. With candor, vulnerability and authenticity we want to walk with you, too! Tune in as we address the highs and lows, the hard questions and the challenges couples face as they pursue redemptive living.

#49: When Everything Feels Tainted + the Lens We Use

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In this final episode of season #4 - we talk about the importance of him validating the totality of her experience - not just what she has experienced since D-day but before then as well.  Here is what we know - women need validation (as they look in the rear view mirror) and view everything as catastrophic before they can look back and see anything that is good.  

During our conversation - we take some time to talk about equanimity.  We talked about equanimity in this podcast if you want to hear more.  But Jason said some things in this podcast that I thought were SO validating so I hope you will listen for them.  In particular, we discuss this concept of everything being run through the lens of betrayal (when it comes to the marital relationship) and leveraging what we have experienced and using it for good.

We also discuss some of the things that make it hard for a husband to validate her when it all feels tainted and in the podcast, we give antidotes for each of these:

  • He fears:  "what if she stays there and never sees anything as good or positive from the past?”
  • Activates his shame - “I’m a horrible person.”  
  • He wonders:  “when do I get a voice”? (Holding onto equanimity.  WARNING: we camp here for quite a bit!)  I love it when Jason said:  “the level of injury from all the betrayal (acting in and acting out) overshadows the injury from relational issues….  Everything must run through the lens of betrayal, even today.”  
  • Him being misinformed:  “But I’m not doing it now!”
  • For men that have a performance oriented identity:  “I’ll never be able to do enough.” 

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!   

  • Applications are about to close for the next RLW Retreat, October 6-9 in Scottsdale, AZ.  Click here to apply!
  • Interested in a women’s support group?  Find out more about the RLW Support Groups here.
  • Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we will be starting the next group in late September / early October.
  • Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop.
  • Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus
  • We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! 
  • Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. 
  • Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

Aug 12 2022

48mins

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#48: After a Marriage Ends

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On this episode we have our VERY special and FIRST guest on our podcast, Elizabeth!  She is one of our amazing coaches here at Redemptive Living for Women.  I'm so excited to share our conversation, as I want all of you women out there to know there is hope for you, whether your marriage survives or not.   Elizabeth paints word pictures for us as we discuss her journey of the past five years.  From the ideal couple - to betrayal - to hoping there would be change - to being released from holding vigil over a dead thing - to now:  being “healthily divorced”.   Here is a little more detail on the things we discuss from Elizabeth’s journey:
  • Meeting and marriage
  • Betrayal discovery 
  • Early work, the first few months
  • Developing a community, tribe, safety net
  • Years of separation 
  • Prayerfully moving from separation to filing for divorce
  • Who God is calling her to be as Elizabeth, not just as a wife or ex-wife
  • Her passion for journeying with other women during their betrayal recovery
We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! 
  • Elizabeth’s bio and contact info is here.
  • Applications are OPEN for the next RLW Retreat!  Click here to apply!
  • Interested in a women’s support group?  Find out more about the RLW Support Groups here.
  • Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we are about to wrap up the current class and will be back with a new class this Fall.
  • Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop.
  • Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus
  • We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! 
  • Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. 
  • Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Jul 22 2022

58mins

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#47: When He Chooses Not to do the Work

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In this episode we wanted to talk about what to do when he chooses not to do the work.  Warning:  we get off track a lot.  We start with talking about contradictions in the Bible - for instance:  Ephesians 4:26 says - Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.  However, Psalm 4:4 says - be angry yet don’t sin.  Think about it overnight and remain silent.  Contradictions.   This applies to the betrayal recovery process in that sometimes its hard to know:  do I give him grace?  Or do I use the tough love approach?   We both agree that the "grace based approach" doesn’t work as well as the "tough love approach" when it comes to sexual addiction recovery.  This is born out of our story - I initially tried the grace based approach and it did not work.  It wasn’t until I dropped the hammer that the floor raised for Jason, he saw I was serious, and he had to make a choice.  Of course, it’s important to note that the tough love approach doesn’t always save the marriage, as you will hear about next week on the pod.   Here are several of the high points from our talk:   1 - Before dropping the hammer, plead for him to change. 2 - Get Support. 2 - Choose your hard. 3 - Consider the Matthew 18 approach. 4 - Don’t jump to divorce out of the gate - start with boundaries. 5 - Ask yourself these questions:  What do I need?  What do I need to feel safe?  What do you have a right to?  How can I protect me?   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! 

Jul 15 2022

46mins

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New Episode Coming Next Week

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Hi all! We're a little behind on recording, so our next new episode will be out next friday.

Jul 08 2022

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#46: Wondering is Work

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In this episode, we talk about how hard it is for her as she is wondering:  is he doing recovery work?  Or not?

Some of the things women wonder about:

  • is he cheating on me today?
  • what if he is just checking the box?
  • is he really living with integrity when I am not around?
  • is he actually applying what we are investing time and money to learn?
  • what is he doing when he isn’t with me?
  • is he standing up for me and honoring me when he is with our children?
  • the list goes on… it’s a LOT to carry

Ladies - I encourage you to journal out:  what is weighing on your mind as far as what you are wondering about when it comes to his recovery.

We then talk about:  what can he do to help with this wondering.  It comes down to transferring the burden.  Jason gives four strategies men can use to transfer the burden onto him.  I also mention some strategies she can use to free herself from this wondering.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! 

Jul 01 2022

44mins

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#45: Forgiveness - Part Two

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We start this episode with a big announcement - the 2nd RLW retreat will be in Scottsdale, AZ October 6th-9th.  I really hope you will consider joining me!  Ticket sales go live on July 2nd but we will be opening up tickets to the wait list prior to this date.  Click here to join the waitlist.

We then get sidetracked talking about some of our favorite restaurants in the Scottsdale area:  The Farm at South Mountain, Bandera - which apparently closed this year, and Luci’s at the Grove

I wanted to start with pinning up a couple of things from the last episode:

  • In particular a bit more of the Story of Joseph which is in Genesis 37 through the end of Genesis.  Bottom line:   we see a Biblical example of forgiveness and grief and in particular Joseph shows us that we can forgive and then continue to grieve.
  • Fast forgiveness can lead to fast bitterness for women.  Jason wanted to reiterate that a husband’s heart attitude toward the forgiveness process for her needs to be focused on for her to feel better, not just for him to feel better.

We then dig into some handholds that women can use as they work through the forgiveness process.  We dig into these six phases of the process:

  • Awareness - owning our feelings, this is the beginning of grief
  • Acknowledgement - name the bitterness, resentment, etc. and see that forgiveness is ultimately the answer - but it’s okay to not jump to forgiveness if you aren’t ready
  • Empathize and Experience - empathy is key (but keep in mind this can take a long time to cultivate).  In regards to experience:  this is from the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18- when we experience forgiveness (not just receive it) - it readies our hearts to share it with others.
  • Choice - forgiveness is volitional, it’s a choice, it literally means - “to let go”
  • Commemorate and Communicate - doing something to show that you have said your big “yes” of forgiveness and consider communicating this to the one that has hurt you (use wisdom here, depends on the relationship)
  • Continuation - even after our big yes of forgiveness - continuing to say the little yeses.  The number of times we forgive is not a numerical standard but rather a heart standard.  We will continue to forgive until our heart is at peace.

Forgiveness work is a full-time job ladies.  And for men listening - please hear me say:  she is working HARD to get there.  When she is crying and grieving - know that this is what is moving her through and toward forgiveness.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! 

  • Click here for information on Support Groups - we are working on new groups for 3 Q 2022.
  • Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop.
  • Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women.  By joining the wait list, you will get early access to ticket sales.
  • Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus
  • We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! 
  • Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. 
  • Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

Jun 24 2022

41mins

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#44: Forgiveness - Part One

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In this episode, we talk about all things forgiveness.  This is one of my favorite topics in the betrayal recovery realm and I realize that we are just barely skimming the surface here.     I start with sharing a bit of my forgiveness story, just to give all you listeners a bit of context on where I am coming from.  Bottom line:  initially I saw forgiveness as THE solution and so my second run at forgiveness, I chose to take it very slowly, as I knew I had to do it differently.   Some of the other things we chat about:
  • the pressure put on women by our Christian culture to forgive
  • the fears that come along with forgiving - like not being able to grieve or talk about the pain and hurt anymore once we forgive
  • what needs to happen in order to forgive:  grief work, knowing what she is forgiving, and getting safe (safety comes before forgiveness)
  • the story of Joseph and how he grieves and forgives interchangeably.  Once forgiveness takes place, he continues to grieve.  We see in Genesis 41: 51-52 as well as in Genesis 50:20 that Joseph is in the process of forgiving, saying big and little yeses.  We see in Genesis 42:24 and 43:30 Joseph grieving (just to name a few instances of Joseph grieving).
  • the difference between grief and unforgiveness:  unforgiveness is defined by “the demand for what you owe me” whereas grief is expressing the “pain of how you hurt me”.
  • what helps her to be able to forgive:  him being forgivable - including humility, contrition, talking about it when she needs to, being willing to say “I’m sorry” - many a times.
  • what does forgiveness look like when he didn’t do recovery work and he isn’t safe.  Sometimes having strong boundaries can FEEL like unforgiveness.
  • Shelley mentions Matthew 18: 21-22 when Jesus teaches that forgiveness, and continuing to do so, is based on our hearts, not on a number.
  We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! 
  • "Forgiveness is both an event and a process.  It’s one big yes followed by many little yeses as the months and years roll by.” - Paula Rinehart, Strong Women, Soft Hearts
  • Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop.
  • Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location on July 24th!  By joining the wait list, you will get early access to ticket sales.
  • Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus
  • We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! 
  • Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. 
  • Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

Jun 17 2022

43mins

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#43: Pressure to Have Sex

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In this episode, we talk about what to do when he is pressuring her to have sex.  We chose to look at this through the lens of desiring for change, healing, and care for her.  Bottom line - if he is putting pressure on her to have sex - it’'s a signal of something deeper going on within him that needs to be explored.   We do a lot of talking and ultimately identify and discuss:     1 - The tells that there is something deeper going on within him that needs to be addressed. 2 - What he needs to do. 3 - What can she do when this is happening.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!  
  • Shelley mentions the Empowered Boundaries Class a couple of times - you can join the wait list for the next class here.
  • Shelley mentions Leviticus 25:29 toward the end of the podcast when she is talking about homes having more value inside the city walls.
  • Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop.
  • Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location on July 24th!
  • Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus
  • We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! 
  • Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. 
  • Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

Jun 10 2022

44mins

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#42: Intimacy Aversion - When He Is Withholding Sex

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In this episode, we talk about when he is withholding sex during recovery.  While this might not be as common as men that will hypersexualize their wives, it’s still something that we see and it’s important to give space to this piece of the puzzle because it is INCREDIBLY painful and confusing for her.

We start with talking about the underpinnings of withholding sex.  Jason gives five different reasons that he sees that can contribute to this and I think it’s important to note that the intimacy aversion as well as trauma from childhood, I believe, weigh the most as far as underpinnings.

We then talk about what she needs in the midst of this:  reassurance via cared, adored, loved, etc.  This is tricky because a lot of men aren’t capable of this early on in recovery due to it being too intimate, too vulnerable, too risky.  In addition, she needs to see him actively working on the underpinnings.

Finally, we talk about what the couple can do in order to move toward reconnecting sexually in a healthy way.  We will be back next week with part 2, looking at the other side of the coin:  what to do when he is hypersexual.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!  

Jun 03 2022

44mins

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#41: When He Leaves Her Behind

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Okay you guys - this was another really hard episode to record.  We started in our podcast studio (aka my office) and then had to move to our bedroom.  Upon setting up camp in our bedroom, we kept getting interrupted - by a puppy, by our children, by a vacuum cleaner.  Thank goodness for Mary and Christa, our podcast producers - I am sure they had their work cut out for them on this one.   In this episode, we talk about a phenomenon we see in the recovery process where he gets too far out ahead and in effect leaves her behind.  This can happen post-disclosure when he has aired his dirty laundry and he feels better.  This can also happen when he has done some recovery work and genuinely sees and feels a difference and looks back at her, sees her as being stuck, and implicitly in his communication - he says - “you should come up here”.  The issue with this is it implies she is the problem in moving through recovery.  And oftentimes - she is blamed for not being forgiving.  As I say on the podcast, this is awful.   If anyone wants it to be fast - trust me, it’s her!   We explore the reasons motivating him to do this, what she really needs and what he can do to come back to her.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!  
  • Link to the podcast episode on Shame
  • Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop.
  • Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon!
  • Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus
  • We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! 
  • Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. 
  • Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

May 27 2022

40mins

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#40: Mid-Recovery - Making the difference between surviving and thriving

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In this episode - our special guest is struggling at the beginning of the episode.  It doesn’t last long, thank goodness.  Hang tight during the first couple of minutes.  As for what we talk about:  it’s all about mid recovery.  Such an incredibly important part of the process - it will determine whether you survive versus whether you thrive. 

We start by clarifying the difference between early-recovery and mid-recovery - here is a bit of an outline:

Early Recovery includes:

- Formal Disclosure

- Boundary Setting

- Grieving

- Anger

- Managing Triggers

- Family of Origin work for him

- Managing Shame

- Insight into his triggers

Mid Recovery includes:

- Grief cycles are shorter

- Triggers can feel worse

- Check-Ins not as formal

- Him getting a handle on his Acting In

- Continuing his Family of Origin work

- Experiencing the fruits of forgiveness

- Her needing to see him pressing in - this isn’t the time to let off the gas

- For her - increased weariness oftentimes occurs (process fatigue)

- Sobriety isn’t in question nor is it the focal point

I loved it when Jason said early recovery is oftentimes defined by the don’ts while mid recovery is defined by the do’s. Another great quote:  "when someone has become friends with the work, you can tell they are living in recovery.”  We land the plane with talking about some of the specific things that you can be doing in mid recovery.  Truly there is a lot of richness in this part of the process.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!  

  • See page 3 of the Rescued workbook for the Addictive Cycle which is credit to Patrick Carnes
  • Acting In MasterClass for men can be found here
  • Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop.
  • Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon!
  • Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus
  • We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! 
  • Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. 
  • Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

May 20 2022

45mins

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#39: Rebuilding Trust - The Practicalities

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In this episode - we give a quick recap of episode #38 (since it’s the foundation) and then dig into more of the practicalities of rebuilding trust.  Here are five things we focus on:   - It’s the little things, not just the big ticket things that matter.   - Your personal positives can’t outweigh the relational positives.   - Showing it’s on your mind more than it’s on hers.   - When it’s the hardest it counts the most.   - Showing it’s born out of your character change.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!  
  • Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop.
  • Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon!
  • Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus
  • We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! 
  • Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. 
  • Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

May 13 2022

34mins

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#38: Rebuilding Trust - Heart Attitude + Mindset

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In this episode - we talk about one facet of rebuilding trust.  Jason mentions that the lack of trust for her is rooted in fear.  I struggle with this (as you will hear at the beginning of the episode) because it feels like the issue is on her (ladies - I am here for you and standing up for YOU).  Once we get over that hump - here are several things he can do to love the fear out of her:   - Trust is destroyed at her expense, trust is rebuilt at his expense - Jason talks about a hobby that he chose to lose in order to rebuild trust.   - A shift in mindset:  “What I get to do versus what I have to do” in order to win back her heart.   - Shifting from playing to not lose TO playing to win.   - Getting out in front of fear:  anything that activates fear, is something that you can have a conversation about.   The conversation continues as we talk about the importance of him cultivating intimacy as well as developing character traits that she is looking for in order to feel safe, love (not fear) and in order to move through the process.  All things that women can expect not because of betrayal but because of who God is calling him to be.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!  
  • Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop.
  • Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon!
  • Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus
  • We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! 
  • Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. 
  • Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

May 07 2022

35mins

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#37: Sexual Intimacy

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In this episode - we talk about sexual intimacy post-betrayal.  Here are just a couple of the things we discuss:

- Allow it to be wonky and work toward decreasing the pressure to make this part of the relationship perfect - as I (Shelley) mention in the podcast - let it be life work.

- We discuss frequency - should it be every 72 hours?  What about depriving one another (see 1 Corinthians 7:5)?

- Triggers for him and for her when engaging in sexual intimacy.

Ultimately - it’s important to think of sexual intimacy as an opportunity for us to redefine in a healthy way what is most important.  It’s not to be transactional, it’s not just to get it done - it’s to be caring, loving, and a celebration of the greater intimacy we share with our spouse.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!   

Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Feb 25 2022

31mins

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#36: Protecting Our Children

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In this episode, we are going to skim the surface on how we as adults can protect our children from exposure to pornography.  Please know that this isn’t a space where we need to judge each other but rather where we can link arms and help each other protect our children.  Here are the high points:

  1. What is so very important is to be talking about it - we expound on this in the episode and talk a bit about how talking to our children progresses as they get older.

  2. Naming shame and developing emotional intimacy - we see these two things as big ticket strategies that will help prevent sexual integrity issues long term.

  3. Delay, Limit and Protect - pertaining to technology.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!   

Feb 18 2022

36mins

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#35: Reintegrating the Dark Side

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We start with a very quick appliance update even if Jason thinks nobody cares.  I know otherwise!

As for the episode:  Does your husband or x-husband tell you there is no reason to talk about the sexual integrity issue because he doesn’t struggle anymore?  This is something we hear quite often and it sends red flags off in my (Shelley’s) head in a major way.  We unpack how this impacts her (it can be super invalidating and scary) as well as what might be driving him to say this (fear, shame, and misinformed theology).  

We then share a different framework for him to use and that will also be much more reassuring for her.  Here are a couple of the high points:

- Initially, the addict or dark side and the good man are tangled up with the addict in the driver’s seat.  It’s important to acknowledge that those two parts of him are there.

- The early recovery work focuses on extracting the addict from the guy in recovery and focusing on understanding the addict as well as understanding the good man within.  As Jason says, a lot of men stop here. 

- Long range - what we want to do is reintegrate the addict (or dark side) and the new, good man. The good man is in the drivers seat and as Jason says - "with grace and compassion hold that the dark side is apart of us”.  By owning our sin and our mistakes, we are humbled and able to hold tight to the fact that we need a Savior.  This is so incredibly important.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!   

  • Shelley mentions the Requests for Reassurance Episode #32 - here is the link to it.

  • The Worthy of Her Trust workshop for men is happening this March in TX. Applications are live and you can get all the details for that here.

  • There is also a women’s retreat happening the beginning of April in Ocean Isle Beach, NC - details are here.

  • Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.

  • We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!

  • Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.

  • Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Feb 11 2022

42mins

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#34: Coming to a Crossroad

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Okay, so let me first say - this episode was HARD to record.  We had a ton of technical issues and didn’t realize not once, twice but THREE times that our recorder STOPPED recording WITHOUT us knowing until 10-15 minutes later. BUT we persevered and we hope something in here speaks to you!

We wanted to chat about what it looks like when we come to a crossroad in recovery where we have to choose which way we are going.  Are we going to keep fighting and not lose hope?  Or are we going to throw in the towel and give up. This (navigating the crossroad) is happening underneath some of the more tangible things that we are doing in recovery like working on boundaries, navigating triggers, etc and I think it’s important to name it when it’s happening.

A couple of highlights:

- Men have the greatest capacity to help their wives heal - the one that hurt us the most has the greatest capacity (besides God) to help us heal.

- Three keys to navigating the crossroad (for women):  awareness including naming the crossroad, making the choice to keep fighting and finally, support from other women.

- For men, it’s important to also have support as well as focusing on:  what is the next right thing?  (And truly taking it one small step at a time.)

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!   

  • We mentioned Emily P Freeman’s podcast - The Next Right Thing.  Lovely in all the ways.
  • Jason announced the Worthy of Her Trust workshop happening this March in TX.  Applications are live and you can get all the details for that here.
  • There is also a women’s retreat happening the beginning of April - details are here.
  • MasterClasses for men start next week on February 8th..  Click here to see all the details.
  • We have a couple of spots left in the new groups starting this quarter for women.  Would love for you to join us - these groups are game changers!
  • Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus
  • We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! 
  • Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. 
  • Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Feb 04 2022

35mins

Play

#33: Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts

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In this week’s episode, we are thrilled to have a special guest with us - our new puppy, Pluto!  He was a great assistant throughout our recording.  We are happy to update you on our dryer as well as Shelley’s continued choices to wear clothing from two decades ago.  Moving onto more important things - we talk this week about dealing with intrusive thoughts during the recovery process, in particular for her.

Here are some of the things we cover:

- Know that this is "normal" and apart of the impact of the trauma.  It's not where we want women to stay long-term but it does serve a purpose short term in helping us move through the grief.

- There are also plenty of times when we need to contain the thoughts in order to be present and revisit the thoughts later.  We give three strategies to help with this containment:  brain stop, prayer and vaulting it.

- Suggesting she just STOP thinking about the past, looking at evidence of the past, etc. - is harmful.  Let this be HER process, not yours.

- It can be important to ask the question - is there a gap in safety somewhere causing her to ruminate / obsess during certain situations (when he is at work, goes to the grocery store, etc.)?  And instead of asking her to stop ruminating - figure out what she needs to feel safer.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!   

  • There are several books we mention during this episode - Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk and the Brain STOP can be found on page 22 of the Rescued workbook.
  • Jason announced the Worthy of Her Trust workshop happening this March in TX.  Applications are live and you can get all the details for that here.
  • There is also a women’s retreat happening the beginning of April - details are here.
  • We have several new groups starting in February.  Click here for all the details.
  • Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here.  Would love for you to consider taking this with me, please add your name to the wait list so that you are the first to know when registration for the next round opens.  (The wait list just serves as a place for those with interest to get the first email.)
  • Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus
  • We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! 
  • Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. 
  • Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Jan 28 2022

35mins

Play

#32: Requests for Reassurance

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In this week’s episode, we talk about what it looks like to provide reassurance in the recovery process.  Sometimes we as wives will ask questions like - “Is everything okay?”, “what is going on?”, “are you okay?”.  Men in the recovery process might see this more as an invitation to “dump" or even an indictment when what she really needs is reassurance of his integrity, the recovery process and honoring her intuition that something feels off.

Here are some of the things we cover:

- how he can pivot from self-focused to wife-focused

- consciously shifting from proving behavior to being engaged in the process

- three key areas to cover when providing reassurance

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!      

  • Applications drop today for the Women’s Retreat coming up this Spring - you can get on the list here to get all the details!   There will also be a men’s workshop in March and you can get all the details for that here.
  • We have several new groups starting in February.  Click here for all the details.
  • Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here.  Would love for you to consider taking this with me, please add your name to the wait list so that you are the first to know when registration for the next round opens.  (The wait list just serves as a place for those with interest to get the first email.)
  • Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus
  • We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! 
  • Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. 
  • Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Jan 21 2022

38mins

Play

#31: What to do When He Doesn’t Remember

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In this week’s episode, we talk about our broken dryer, broken vacuum cleaner and how I (Shelley) still wear my athletic gear from two decades ago.  Don’t worry, that only lasts a couple of minutes and then we get down to business and dig into what can be done when either during the disclosure process or after (when she is processing and asking questions) - what to do when he doesn’t remember certain details of his acting out.  

Here are some of the things we cover:

- When he doesn’t remember, it’s important for her to see that he is actually trying.  We give examples of what this can look like for him to TRY.

- We talk about the strategy Jason teaches to his clients when they struggle to remember:  Context, Circumstance, Character.

- We discuss the best way to navigate when he DOESN'T remember what he DID do but DOES remember what he DIDN’T do.

- The importance of women having as much of a definitive answer to her questions as she possibly can - it will help her heal and the marriage heal.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!      

  • Thrilled to announce that there is a Women’s Retreat coming up this Spring - you can find more information here.
  • We have several new groups starting in February.  Click here for all the details.
  • Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here.  Would love for you to consider taking this with me, please add your name to the wait list so that you are the first to know when registration for the next round opens.
  • Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus
  • We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! 
  • Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. 
  • Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

Jan 14 2022

36mins

Play