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Instead Of

A hypothetical podcast wherein three best friends consider life's real headscratchers, like: What if, instead of comedy, Dave Chappelle was the greatest action star of our time? Or how much ranch dressing is too much ranch dressing…on a salad at Macho Man Randy Savage’s house? Think of us as your three favorite morons who all have hearts of gold (except Josh).

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The Old Man and the Pool

Get all punchdrunklove-y dovey with us this week, as Mike threatens to punch Tapan, Tapan threatens to fight Josh, and Josh buys everybody presents. We re-live the moments leading up to Josh's conception, Mike gets some of the sweet, bloody attention he craves, and Tapan encounters a no-scoping urinal alpha the likes of which haven't been seen in this realm for nigh on a thousand moons or more. Pairings: cardiovascular endurance; a real, functioning proton pack; some SPF 30 is probably good enough SHOW NOTES Titanic (1997) James Cameron's greatest scheme Persistence hunting Porktrack Share a Coke

43mins

16 Aug 2017

Rank #1

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Now Enjoy Some Wieners (Talking)

This is one of those episodes where we give away some really choice IP for free, so come take a bath with us this week! Josh tells a fucking fascinating story about elevators, Tapan accidentally becomes The Bachelor in real life, and Mike gives the world’s least knowledgeable TED Talk. Oh, and we basically do a table read for Click 2. Pairings: human dignity; an acid guy; more time SHOW NOTES Tapan steals a joke Money tigers Josh noticed before he noticed Garbage Ain't that some Daebyun The largest lake in South America Make it viral Find out Mike's bib number

57mins

5 Oct 2017

Rank #2

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Thrid Time's a Charm

A bunch of wienerslavs come of age over pineapple upside down cake in this one. Listen, rapt, as we psychoanalyze Josh's sepia-toned childhood, debate the eternal unknowability of New England, and meticulously plan our first Instead Of inside joke. Pairings: Wet Wipes; a real, live parrot; tortilla chips SHOW NOTES Subway's Five Dollar Footlong: https://youtu.be/MJF3mknSTlo Chorophobia: http://common-phobias.com/Choro/phobia.htm Geography quiz: http://online.seterra.com/en/vgp/3003 Pineapple upside down cake: http://bit.ly/2t8hJb3 M&M's from the past: http://bit.ly/2uABBbe 8 pronunciation errors: http://bit.ly/2pFnGKO Super Troopers cat game: https://youtu.be/1rlSjdnAKY4 Alex the African grey parrot: https://youtu.be/7yGOgs_UlEc McDonald's PlayPlace disaster: http://fxn.ws/2u5Hz41

47mins

19 Jul 2017

Rank #3

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Mike's Inappropriate Love of Horses

We get our druthers this week, and you know what that means: Slander! Libel! Thumb-fives! Just kidding, what we really do is invent a really personal and cruel version of Baggage, catalog the fauna of Florida, and read our very first on-air advertisement (its great you’ll love it). Pairings: transatlantic floaties; a secret handshake; a record deal for Tapan, hot damn SHOW NOTES AW: For all your visual + UX design needs The right to remain silent but deadly

39mins

15 Nov 2017

Rank #4

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The Invisible Leading the Blind

😘As you’ll see in this one, a Josh-less podcast is a lot like a sexless marriage. Josh is spending “time” with his “family” this Thanksgiving, but longtime couple Mike and Tapan are here to sit in bed and bicker about Tapan’s new mustache. That’s right, Tapan’s got a Dali/Chaplin thing going on, and boy can we see how pretty his mouth is now. Later on, we bicker about the woodsmanship of Tapan’s new chairs, we Invisi-Grift™ our way into great seats, and we’re Lovin’ the all-new flavor combinations over at Trees’ Vegetable Restaurant.Pairings: a perfect, lifeless YouTube; perpetual peekaboo; a swift court martial

41mins

6 Dec 2019

Rank #5

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The Unidunk

We'll be Frank: Like our TV forefathers of old, this week we find ourselves performing several feats of mid-December strength. But far be it from us to impose our godless Festivusian ideals on your non-specific holiday cheer; we're just here to save folks from car fires we started and dunk on conventional unicycles. Later on, Josh puts the AY! AY! in YEA/NAY, Tapan makes an innovative-ass business plan, and Mike introduces our most attractive new character in years.Pairings: cool cops who smoke; a panic lever; balsa vibes

35mins

13 Dec 2019

Rank #6

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Pop Stocks and Two Thousand Dollar Apparel

Here at Instead Of, we don’t like to think of ourselves as smut-peddlers. That said, in this one we direct the most rule-heavy porno ever filmed at sea, Josh terrifies you to orgasm in the world’s most existentially horrifying theme park, and we—very sexily—fire Tapan as show CFO. Tune in next week to learn about a cool dog who everyone really likes. Pairings: a 2-liter of cotton candy Faygo; shitty clothes and shoes; a fashionable bicep workout SHOW NOTES The Chicago Burs #1 in vandalization tools Garbage shoes The Juggalo's drink of choice To make matters worse Hawaii 2

43mins

6 Dec 2017

Rank #7

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Shoeston, We Have a Wobblem

In this, the 30th installment in our series, we bring to you, Dear Listener, timeless stories: stories of loss, of redemption, of striving for perfection in an imperfect world; the types of stories that are woven into the fabric of our very lives, the songs etched onto our bones... and in so doing, we reveal some meager slice, some obstructed view, of the essential nature of humanity. Then Josh gets these bitchin' rocket skates and Tapan pulls a sick wheelie and Mike gets pregnant at laser tag. Pairings: a silky Johnny; a 300-outlet surge protector; one weightlifting glove SHOW NOTES The partnership Family ties Owner of a lonely weight Mike's 1967 Corvette Drivin' round town in my sick shoes The nerdiest of rides Josh's ideal workspace The coolest maternity shoot

44mins

17 Jan 2018

Rank #8

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Ice Listening

Ssssshh! Take our hands, dear listeners, as we guide you on a tour of the deepest recesses of our powder-addled minds. Oh, the places we'll go: we'll walk along magnificent concrete beaches, we'll fly in really slow planes, we'll go straight to the hospital for liking motorcycles too much. A few ground rules before we embark on Episode 97: 1). no snitching 2). no speeding 3). the music has always been within you. Oh, and one last thing: please do keep quiet—we mustn't disturb the floes. Pairings: a really long stick; tissues made of hair; a key ring Instead Of Listener Survey

35mins

2 May 2019

Rank #9

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Keys, Limes, Pies

After 29 episodes, you’d think we’d come up with some new stuff to talk about, but here we are: it’s 2018 and Tapan’s still inventing sports drinks for shut-ins. Yep, we’re just a handful of snacks lookin’ for a good time in this one—Josh accepts a dare to contract botulism, Mike rubs Ragú on his clients, and we adapt Mark Z. Danielewski’s avant-garde horror masterpiece for kids. Pairings: A custodian's key ring, Walk the Line; love for your natural penis SHOW NOTES Wrong ingredient The Mile High Club That rush you get when listening to Vance Joy Snack selection Keep it lookin' good

39mins

10 Jan 2018

Rank #10

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Yoguy, Your Ghoulfriend's Here

Wedding season will be here before you know it, and here at Instead Of HQ, the bells are a-chimin'. That's right, we're getting hitched (again), and, this time, to more than just furniture. Incidentally, Josh resurrects a catchy little ditty from his past in this one, while Mike drinks a spoonful of downward dog, and Tapan banishes him to the Boreanaz Zone. Pairings: a smartphone and a shovel; Mithril™ by lululemon; a spit valve SHOW NOTES An even worse version of Twitter Don't be gross and you'll be fine The best show ever, according to Mike There's a counter on this ball The ghostess with the mostess Adopt a bridge

43mins

25 Jan 2018

Rank #11

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Jorts, Personified

Our teammates: we kiss them deeply, we get colonics together, and we savage them with drumsticks until they finally do the foley right. This week at Instead Of HQ, we're propping up each other's dead bodies and Whiplashing like Bernie to bring you hot content such as: ping pong, spitting in jars, Tapan's Oscar snub, and eating the feelings of your friends. Pairings: a screen to watch videos on; versatile tubing; a kissable bestie

37mins

15 Feb 2019

Rank #12

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Domestic Eating Animals

In this one, we start by discussing what we would do if we got 25 minutes of our days back, which is a question you may also ask yourself by the end. Later, Mike uses tissues wrong, Tapan goes off on water slides, Josh gets in on the mozz stick racket, and we answer the best listener question we've ever received. Pairings: a waterproof hippo saddle; a good umbrella; more time SHOW NOTES Irons, not makers Donny Goodname

26mins

8 Feb 2018

Rank #13

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Every Human Has 14 Bones

“Well, Lloyd, another big night at the poker table,” Josh said, taking his seat at the empty bar. He closed his eyes, rested his forehead in his palm. How long had it been? “Did you come out ahead, sir?” said Lloyd, polishing a glass. “Don’t I always,” said Josh, a wry smirk peeling his lips. He sipped the drink Lloyd put in front of him. “Indeed, sir,” said Lloyd. “You know, Lloyd, something’s been on my mind lately.” He looked at Lloyd with a glint in his eye. “I keep coming here, to the beautiful Tulalip Resort Casino just off I5, and I keep winning, and I keep coming, and I keep winning. And yet…” he trailed off. “What’s the problem, sir?” “How long have I known you, Lloyd?” “Why, Master Joshua,” said Lloyd, “you’ve always been the caretaker here…” In this one, we win a lot of money and have a great time at the beautiful Tulalip Resort Casino, just off I-5 in scenic Tulalip, WA. Later on, Mike rides a short horse to a long camel fight, Josh dives fist first into a bowl of ramen, and Tapan Poochies out of the episode when you least expect it, never to return. Pairings: poopless dollars; a bib, like babies use; if you’re a regular listener to this show and you don’t have moon boots by now, we can’t help you

53mins

13 May 2019

Rank #14

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Super Broth

Here at Instead Of HQ, we like to say that you can't spell "trust" without "us," but you also can't spell "trust" without "rust," and, folks... it's been a while. No matter how much we all love communism, sometimes trusting our comrades takes practice. That's why we're inviting you to enter our innermost circles, where you'll find Josh and Tapan happily broadcasting their location data and Mike caught in Schrodinger's Loop. Elsewhere, Josh totally scares everybody a bunch of times, Mike creates the world's most bewildering strip club, and Tapan discovers the Eightfold Path of the Instant Pot (turns out there is no pot).Pairings: th3m4tr1x69; actual garbage; a nice, sexy lullaby

40mins

25 Oct 2019

Rank #15

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Penny Lenin

According to Cole Porter, birds, bees, and, yes, even fleas do sex. Now we know what you're thinking, and the answer is kind of: Water fleas reproduce asexually, but cat fleas... cat fleas bang each other. And if you’ve ever met a cat, you know cat fleas are good at it. Your three hosts are considerably less good at sex than a flea is, which won't be surprising after you hear this one. Episode 44 finds Mike as the walking, talking result of receiving your sexual education from Chris Rock, while Josh finally gives the proletariat a chance, and Tapan's haunted by a ghost in a machine. Pairings: No friends; hair goggles; a nice, long drag on a refreshing classroom cigarette SHOW NOTES Technoghost in the shell Government medicine Another reason to keep tweezers handy Mike's sexual education Muchas smooches

57mins

25 Apr 2018

Rank #16

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His Gaze Is Directed Where the Pillow Rests

Lots of podcasts out there talk a big game about loving their listeners, but how many of them are in love with their listeners? Here at Instead Of, we love you deeply, which is why all 250 of you should consider this your formal invitation. To what, you ask? Why, have you ever wanted to hit another person with no consequences? Have you ever wanted to soar, bird-like, through the rafters of a high school gym? Have you ever heard late 2000s dubstep? Experience these three entertainment options, along with two other options, at the first annual Tapan and Mike’s January 10th Rockin’ Eve, where you get cash and we don’t have lawyers. Also in this one, Tapan‘s birthday celebrations swell to a newly legal high, while Mike and Josh’s birthdays plummet, at terminal velocity, into the gutter.Pairings: smell-O-vision; a rebound Frosty; human hair, for accuracy

57mins

10 Jan 2020

Rank #17

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Mike and Josh's World Tours

Sup, friend, from the flesh of the apple, and we here at the Five Star Apple Fest shall permit you entry. Drink of the apple's blood, and you shall join us as heralds of a grand new apple future, where societies the world round will kneel in reverence of the majestic apple and its awesome power. Tarry not! Suck from the teat of the apple juice blaster cannon and enter a red, delicious new world! Other stuff going on in this one: the Josh Harrison World Tour: Josh Harrison: Josh of All Trades, hot drinks at seven, and a genuine request for real advice. You'll be glad you came.Pairings: an apt nagmoji; "cash withdrawals;" BYOL(augh Track)

43mins

11 Oct 2019

Rank #18

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Wishbone Thugs N Rooftop Harmony

Raise your hand if you've ever gotten a haircut. Pretty familiar and relatable, right? Well what if we told you that each time you get a haircut, you morph a little bit—on the outside and the inside. In fact, everything you see and touch and put in your mouth every day has morphed before and will morph again, including you. Especially you. In this episode, we explore the mighty morphin' world around us, which includes: Josh morphing himself up some personal leg boats, Tapan's recipe for morphed chips and salsa, and Mike morphing it up in the streets. Pairings: “afoldly,” the word; a personal life; push notifications about burgers SHOW NOTES Go Go Interrupting Mike Mike's favorite literature of all time Sentient Puddles: The TV Show Canine morphin' Tapan and Josh's music video debut The ad that isn't an ad A meme in the making

49mins

26 Jul 2018

Rank #19

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The Money Part

Well, folks, it's finally Spooky October. It's been a long, stupid year, but we're back again to sate your annual lust for spook with our trademark highjinks, lowjinks, drone crows, and augmented reality sledgehammers. When we're not busy being haunted by the looming specter of a personal data breach, we're giving totally unauthorized advice to kids and punching each other 'til we just can't punch no more. Join us this week and see how much gum fits in your mouth!Pairings: invulnerable children; Chicken Tough™;  one cheek tapping

43mins

18 Oct 2019

Rank #20