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The Offensive

An award-winning, critically acclaimed mockumentary podcast that follows fictional Premier League club Ashwood City FC. 'The Thick of it meets fifa career mode - a must listen for football fans' - The Guardian'Ultra-sharp satire' - GQThis podcast is a serial, begin at episode 1.

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Warning: This podcast is a series podcast

This means episodes are recommended to be heard in order from the very start. Here's the 10 best episodes of the series anyway though!

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Episode 052 - When The Man Comes Around

The Ashwood City hierarchy enter contract talks with former club captain Kieran Broom. After scoring the winner at the weekend away to Newcastle United, the Midfielder believes he holds all the aces as he attempts to orchestrate a potential return of the prodigal son, Dan Watson. Chief Executive Patrick Nolan on the other hand, has different ideas. * The Offensive will return on 24.11.19, after the International Break Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanHelena Doughty as Jess TateAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallRhys Tees as Rob JeffersonVictoria Gibson as Alex MorrisonJoel Emery as Dan WatsonAdditional Voices:Acushla-Tara KupeLynnette ShawJohn BrannochLucinda ShawThomas MitchellsDirected by:Adam JarrellEpisode written by:Joel Emery  Edited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised.The Offensive is property of Primley Limited See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

21mins

11 Nov 2019

Rank #1

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Episode 059 - The Christmas Special One II

It's Christmas Eve and the Ashwood City hierarchy are spending it in Los Angeles. For Patrick Nolan, it's a chance to solidify his masterplan, whilst Jess and Woody are tasked with retrieving the player on top of the club's christmas list - Joshua Nakatomi. Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanHelena Doughty as Jess TateAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallRhys Tees as Hutch LewisAdditional voicesJohn BrannochDirected by:Adam JarrellEpisode written by:Joel Emery & Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam Jarrell Executive Producer:Joel EmeryThe Offensive will return 06/01/2020 with a special F.A Cup Episode. WARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised.The Offensive is property of Primley LimitedSee acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

32mins

23 Dec 2019

Rank #2

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Episode 068 - Hold The Phone

UEFA have been in touch with Ashwood City to confirm the use of Patrick Nolan in the promotional media for their latest campaign. The Chief-Executive however... has a few tweaks. Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanHelena Doughty as Jess TateVictoria Gibson as Alex MorrisonAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallDirected by:Joel EmeryEpisode written by:Joel Emery  Edited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised.The Offensive is property of Primley Limited.See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

24mins

24 Feb 2020

Rank #3

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Episode 055 - Theatre of Schemes

Ashwood return to Premier League action at Old Trafford. Sharing a car journey together en route to the game, Chief-Executive Patrick Nolan discovers that Sporting Director Chris 'Woody' Woodall has been hatching a plan.Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallEsmonde Cole as Howard JaggerDirected by:Adam JarrellEpisode written by:Joel Emery  Edited by:Joel EmeryExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised.The Offensive is property of Primley Limited See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

20mins

2 Dec 2019

Rank #4

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Episode 061 - Wayne's World

The Premier League returns after a brief FA Cup interlude. For Ashwood City preparations for the visit of Crystal Palace have been disrupted by the disgruntled 'Wayne'.Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanHelena Doughty as Jess TateAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallVictoria Gibson as Alex MorrisonThomas Mitchells as Theo ClintonAdditional voicesLucinda ShawDirected by:Adam JarrellEpisode written by:Joel Emery  Edited by:Joel EmeryExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised.The Offensive is property of Primley LimitedSee acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

22mins

13 Jan 2020

Rank #5

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Episode 042 - The Fools of Rome

The Europa League campaign kicks off in Rome, as Ashwood City take on AS Roma in their opening group game. Tensions with Kieran Broom continue to worsen as the side face a difficult challenge away from home. Esmonde Cole as KFCAllon Sylvain as Eric van SmitAdam Jarrell as Chris WellAdditional Voices:Nalan BurgessJoel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEpisode written by:Joel Emery  Edited by:Joel Emery  Executive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised.The Offensive is property of Primley Limited.See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

24mins

19 Sep 2019

Rank #6

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Episode 075 - Rebel Without a Clause

In a time of unprecedented government support for businesses, Chief-Executive Patrick Nolan has taken the opportunity to make the most of the tax-payer funded assistance.Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallLucinda Shaw as Christine WilliamsHelena Doughty as Jess TateAdditional voicesLuke MooreLynne ShawJoel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEpisode written by:Joel Emery & Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised.The Offensive is property of Primley Limited.See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

24mins

30 Mar 2020

Rank #7

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Episode 047 - Black Hawk Clown

The Premier League has returned from the international break and Ashwood City face Brighton at Dartley Park. With hastily made plans to find a sponsor for the former Gerry Harkness stand; the club face fierce protests and a possible boycott of the game.Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallHelena Doughty as Jess TateAdditional voices:Luke StevensonJoel EmeryLucinda ShawAlex MarshallDirected by:Adam JarrellEpisode written by:Joel Emery  Edited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised.The Offensive is property of Primley Limited-- See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

22mins

21 Oct 2019

Rank #8

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Episode 067 - Family Matters

The Europa League returns as Ashwood City face FC Basel at home in the first leg of the Round of 32 tie. Tensions from the previous week have got unresolved as Kieran and Christian's relationship deteriorates further causing Dwight Hayes to step in.Lance Fuller as Dwight HayesAllon Sylvain as Eric van SmitAdam Jarrell as Kieran BroomEsmonde Cole as KFCIsi Adeola as Christian AkuffoThomas Mitchells as Theo ClintonCasting Director:Kirsty GillmoreDirected by:Joel EmeryEpisode written by:Joel Emery  Edited by:Joel EmeryExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised.The Offensive is property of Primley Limited.See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

20mins

20 Feb 2020

Rank #9

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Episode 070 - Dangerous Liaisons

Ashwood City set their sights on Norwich and all three points as 19th in the Premier League take on 20th at Carrow Road. Woody however has bumped into an old colleague that could turn the fortunes of the club.Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallJoel Emery as Dan WatsonDirected by:Adam JarrellEpisode written by:Joel Emery  Edited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised.The Offensive is property of Primley Limited.See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

23mins

2 Mar 2020

Rank #10

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Episode 060 - Pat on a Hot Tin Roof

Following a brutal festive period in the league for Ashwood City, it's finally cause for celebration as Chief-Executive Patrick Nolan is to receive an MBE. A celebratory party is arranged in a rare weekend without Premier League action.Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanHelena Doughty as Jess TateAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallDirected by:Adam Jarrell & Joel EmeryEpisode written by:Joel Emery  Edited by:Joel EmeryExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised.The Offensive is property of Primley LimitedSee acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

22mins

6 Jan 2020

Rank #11

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Episode 043 - The Volley of Youth

It's the first Premier League win of the season for Ashwood City and it comes on the road at West Ham. For Patrick, Woody and Jess the celebrations are on hold as matchday goalscorer and prized asset Kyle Francis-Clarke has gone AWOL in London following the unexpected victory.Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanHelena Doughty as Jess TateAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallVictoria Gibson as Alex MorrisonAdditional Voices:Lucy-Jane QuinlanThomas MitchellsJoel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEpisode written by:Joel Emery  Edited by:Joel EmeryExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised.The Offensive is property of Primley Limited.See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

20mins

23 Sep 2019

Rank #12

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Episode 005: Long Live The King

Following a huge result for Ashwood, Dan Watson's comments in a post-match interview leave reverberations around the club as Patrick, Jess and Woody attempt to curtail the lofty ambitions of their manager.Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanHelena Doughty as Jess TateAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallJoel Emery as Dan Watson Additional voices:Jo PriceLucinda ShawOmari DouglasSirena RileySuzie HoulihanRhys TeesLarner Wallace-Taylor  Episode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised. Thanks for listening to The Offensive. Follow the club @AshwoodCitySee acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

26mins

2 Sep 2018

Rank #13

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Episode 003: The Prince of Harkness

In their first home game of the season, Ashwood City play host to Brighton as stadium developments cause havoc. Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanHelena Doughty as Jess TateAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallAdditional voices:Omari DouglasRhys TeesOliver DowlingDean Kilbey  Episode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised. Thanks for listening to The Offensive. Follow the club @AshwoodCitySee acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

21mins

19 Aug 2018

Rank #14

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Episode 001: Transfer Deadline Day

Join Ashwood City FC on deadline day as the club's lack of spending during the window sparks an internal crisis. After manager Dan Watson appears on national radio to air his frustrations regarding a quiet transfer window, club Chief-Executive Patrick Nolan is left with his Sporting Director Chris 'Woody' Woodall to try and get a handle on things.Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanHelena Doughty as Jess TateAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallJoel Emery as Dan Watson Additional voices:Jo PriceLucinda ShawOmari DouglasSirena RileyRhys TeesOliver DowlingDenis Michallet  Episode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised. Thanks for listening to The Offensive. Follow the club @AshwoodCitySee acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

22mins

9 Aug 2018

Rank #15

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Episode 044 - Riches Get Itches

Pressure is mounting on Patrick as financial conduct, club form and dressing room turmoil are all catching up with him, he pays a visit to the club doctor to seek some medical assistance.Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanAcushla-Tara Kupe as Dr. Rachel WebberEsmonde Cole as Howard JaggerAdditional voices: Luke StevensonDirected by:Adam Jarrell & Paul WaggottEpisode written by:Joel Emery  Edited by:Joel EmeryExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised.The Offensive is property of Primley LimitedSee acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

22mins

30 Sep 2019

Rank #16

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Episode 004: The Last Supper

On the eve of their game at Crystal Palace; Patrick, Woody and Dan have met for dinner in London. As the night progresses Dan becomes increasingly frustrated that his expected dinner guest in Roy Hodgson is yet to show.Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallJoel Emery as Dan WatsonAdditional voices:Omari DouglasRhys TeesRaphaela Israel-Öbeñg Episode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel Emery WARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised. Thanks for listening to The Offensive. Follow the club @AshwoodCitySee acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

20mins

26 Aug 2018

Rank #17

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Episode 007: Big Sam and Fries

Ashwood are moments away from hiring Big Sam as the ownership throw a last minute obstacle in their way. Meanwhile, as Liam Brightwell looks to take charge of his second game as caretaker manager, a disastrous Ashwood City tweet dismisses him from the club. Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanHelena Doughty as Jess TateAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallDane Baptiste as Liam Brightwell Nalan Burgess as JaneLucy-Jane Quinlan as EricaRachel Summers as SimoneRhys Tees as Sam Green  Episode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised. Thanks for listening to The Offensive. Follow the club @AshwoodCitySee acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

20mins

23 Sep 2018

Rank #18

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Episode 029: Singing in the Rain

With enormous pressure mounting on the club, Patrick has seen an opportunity to win over the support of the ownership by adapting Head Coach Rod Meadows negative tactics. Leading the playing-style negotiations is Chris 'Woody' Woodall; as the Sporting Director and Suspended Chairman attempt to have a say on what happens on the pitch.Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' Woodall  Helena Doughty as Jess TateEpisode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel Emery WARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advisedSee acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

31mins

1 Apr 2019

Rank #19

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Episode 021: Cheques, Spies, Videotape

A leaked disgruntled conference held with the written press by Rod Meadows hits home following suspicious activity during a sports science program at the training ground. Tension is rising at the club as the likelihood of selling Ivan Lloyd suddenly becomes very real.Paul Waggott as Patrick Nolan  Helena Doughty as Jess Tate  Adam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' Woodall Additional voices:Lucinda ShawLuke StevensonJoel Emery Episode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel Emery WARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advisedSee acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

24mins

21 Jan 2019

Rank #20