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I Shouldn't Have Had Kids

We are podcasting for parental sanity and saying the things out loud that most parents only think to themselves.

Weekly hand curated podcast episodes for learning

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College Bound – 6

Send in the S.W.A.T. team!  Preparing, applying, and paying for college has handcuffed our family and is holding us hostage. On this week's podcast:A California college tour uncovers collegiate stashTigger competes against some of the best voices in the nationAnd we wonder how the hell families are supposed to navigate the minefield of college applicationsI Shouldn't Have Had Kids is a comedy parenting podcast hosted by Bonnie and Ellen. Each week this same-sex couple makes it clear that kids can—and often do—try the f**k out of a parent's patience.LinksCollege ConfidentialU.S. News article detailing 20 years of tuition hikes in the U.S.The Onion infographic illustrating where all your tuition dollars are spent---------------------------------------------Find all episodes of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids wherever you get your podcastsBuzzsproutApple PodcastsSpotifyFollow us on social media!Instagram @ishouldnthavehadkidsFacebook ishouldnthavehadkidsTwitter @SHHKidsOr, email us :)ishouldnthavehadkids@gmail.com

49mins

7 Jan 2020

Rank #1

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Jingle Balls – 3

We just wanted to share our favorite holiday movie with Tigger, our oldest son. We invited him to join our annual Christmas tradition of watching Love Actually while wrapping gifts. He'd never seen it before and now that he was a teenager, we thought it was time to welcome him into the fold. And what a fold it was.As the three of us sat in the living room watching the movie, it slowly but surely dawned on my wife and I that we were just about to unintentionally introduce our innocent 13-year-old to pornography. The scene cut to two stand-ins on a pornographic film set. None of us looked at each other. No one spoke. What happened after that was a lesson in parenting we'll never forget.And the Mother of the Year award goes to... Find all episodes of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids wherever you get your podcastsBuzzsproutApple PodcastsSpotifyFollow us on social media!Instagram @ishouldnthavehadkidsFacebook ishouldnthavehadkidsTwitter @SHHKidsOr, email us :)ishouldnthavehadkids@gmail.com

55mins

17 Dec 2019

Rank #2

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Nannies and daycare and sitters, oh my! — 14

For some of us, having our hearts ripped out and eaten by cannibals would be better than leaving our children with relative strangers when we return to work after parental leave. Others, however, do a happy dance all the way to the car, envisioning an entire workday without wiping snot, poop, and other bodily liquids from the wall, their clothes, and various parts of their child's body.Regardless, when you gotta work, you gotta to work. You know what I'm sayin'?This week on I Shouldn't Have Had Kids meet the Scottish nanny from hell, the remarkable Molly Poppins who might as well have arrived on our doorstep by umbrella, and a short-lived nanny who actually lost Lola. It's enough to make a parent re-think working!LinksPodcast: Dolly Parton's AmericaArty Party Host and Author: Royce BuckinghamYouTube: Celaine's ASMR channelAtlantic article: Why Childcare is so Ridiculously ExpensiveEconomic Policy Institute: Childcare Calculator Disney's Ursula the Sea Witch with Flotsam and Jetsam: Poor Unfortunate Souls Follow us on social media!Instagram @ishouldnthavehadkidsFacebook ishouldnthavehadkidsTwitter @SHHKidsHave a funny story to share? Email us and we'll read it on the show!ishouldnthavehadkids@gmail.comFind all episodes of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids wherever you get your podcastsBuzzsproutApple PodcastsSpotify

55mins

3 Mar 2020

Rank #3

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Traveling with Kids: Are We There Yet? – 8

Planes, trains and automobiles. Regardless of how you do it, traveling with kids is always a crap shoot. It's not like they stop arguing, eating, or costing an arm and a leg just because you've left on your grand adventure. In fact, sometimes they do even MORE of all that stuff when you leave home.This week we drop a few gems of advice about how to survive—and even thrive—when traveling with kids. Be sure to catch the story of Bonnie's airplane bomb scare with an 8-month-old Tigger. Whiskey never looked so good!Find all episodes of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids wherever you get your podcastsBuzzsproutApple PodcastsSpotifyFollow us on social media!Instagram @ishouldnthavehadkidsFacebook ishouldnthavehadkidsTwitter @SHHKidsOr, email us :)ishouldnthavehadkids@gmail.com

59mins

21 Jan 2020

Rank #4

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Parent Volunteers Deserve A Special Place in Heaven – 13

Parent volunteers are saints. In fact, we think there's a special place in heaven for every damn person who has ever served as President of the PTSA. And if you ask the most dedicated of these angels the secret to their success, they will all give you the same answer.  Alcohol. All drinking—I mean joking—aside, parent volunteering is what makes the world go around. However, everyone has a limit. When you hit yours, we recommend you make like these two moms and parkour the hell out of that PTSA meeting!  This week on I Shouldn't Have Had Kids, we'll break down the auctions; the selling of chocolate bars, poinsettias, coupon books, hanging baskets, wrapping paper, oranges, and grapefruits; the soccer coaching; the drama support; and a chaperone trip to Disneyland that ends up with the two of us spending the night babysitting a student in an L.A. hospital. LinksScary Mommy: The Funny Parents of Twitter Talk the Torture of the PTAEat your bugs, baby: Australia's Edible Bug ShopFollow us on social media!Instagram @ishouldnthavehadkidsFacebook ishouldnthavehadkidsTwitter @SHHKidsHave a funny story to share? Email us and we'll read it on the show!ishouldnthavehadkids@gmail.comFind all episodes of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids wherever you get your podcastsBuzzsproutApple PodcastsSpotify

1hr 3mins

23 Feb 2020

Rank #5

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Homework Hell – 9

It's the Great American Parenting Nightmare. Too much homework. It turns households into battle grounds, kids into sleep-deprived zombies, and parents into puddles of frustration. Are we wrong?By the time kids get to high school they are juggling after school activities, about 3 hours of homework each night, a demanding social scene (both digital and IRL), and often a part-time job. You're not crazy. It's hell. For you. For us. And for every parent we know. Oh sure, there's the occasional whiz kid whose mom looks at you in mock surprise when you complain and responds with a smug, "Really? Gosh, Chad doesn't seem to have any problems with the workload." Pro tip of the day. Tell Chad's mom to take a hike and then press "play" on this week's episode of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids. You are in damn fine company! LinksArticle: 11 Tips for Helping Your Child Manage A Lot of HomeworkInfographic: How Does Homework Actually Affect Students?Best Vegan Recipe Ever (for the girlfriend: Chickpea Pancakes with Kale and FennelFind all episodes of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids wherever you get your podcastsBuzzsproutApple PodcastsSpotifyFollow us on social media!Instagram @ishouldnthavehadkidsFacebook ishouldnthavehadkidsTwitter @SHHKidsOr, email us :)ishouldnthavehadkids@gmail.com

47mins

28 Jan 2020

Rank #6

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Gift-Giving Fails – 5

Wrapping up 2019 with gift-giving fails When it comes to gift giving during the holidays and beyond, we have failed just as often as we've succeeded—especially with our kids!On deck this week, you'll find us:putting together a trampoline in the wee hours of Christmas morning under the soft glow of our headlampsruining the paint ball party we gave to Tigger and Lola when one of us made their teen guest cryasking the age-old question that plagues every parent's winter: Where in the world is your other glove? You JUST got those!?Find all episodes wherever you get your podcastsBuzzsproutApple PodcastsSpotifyFollow us on social media!Instagram @ishouldnthavehadkidsFacebook ishouldnthavehadkidsTwitter @SHHKidsOr, email us :)ishouldnthavehadkids@gmail.com

53mins

31 Dec 2019

Rank #7

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That Takes the Cake – 7

How do you know when you've gone too far for a child's birthday party? How about when they bring in the snakes.Some of us evidently operate under the impression that the perfect birthday celebration will lead to the perfect life. Then we hate ourselves in the morning.File it under "What Was I Thinking?"LinksA Little Bit Alexis In case you’re wondering about fire Poi ---------------------------------------------Find all episodes of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids wherever you get your podcastsBuzzsproutApple PodcastsSpotifyFollow us on social media!Instagram @ishouldnthavehadkidsFacebook ishouldnthavehadkidsTwitter @SHHKidsOr, email us :)ishouldnthavehadkids@gmail.com

39mins

14 Jan 2020

Rank #8

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Near Misses: When Kids Don't Engage Brain Before Acting – 12

For the love of god, why don't kids look before they leap? Let's be honest. Parenting is a journey punctuated by heroic endeavors to save our children from themselves. In this week's episode, you'll hear about concussions, car wrecks, and balls with bee stings. Ouch!If you've ever looked at your kid and wondered, "What in the world were you thinking?!" this week's show will have you feeling like you're part of the new I Shouldn't Have Had Kids club. So let's get together to LOL and SMH at the ridiculous things kids do on the daily.LinksGet it right! How to say Tikka MasalaFind all episodes of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids wherever you get your podcastsBuzzsproutApple PodcastsSpotifyFollow us on social media!Instagram @ishouldnthavehadkidsFacebook ishouldnthavehadkidsTwitter @SHHKidsOr, email us :)ishouldnthavehadkids@gmail.com

1hr 6mins

18 Feb 2020

Rank #9

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Same-sex Parenting – 11

If you're straight, you might not know the kinds of hoops that same-sex parents jump through in their effort to raise and protect their kids. Never ones to shy away from the taboo, Bonnie and Ellen tell you all about it in this episode of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids.It will probably blow your mind.For instance, what if you had to adopt your own child after his birth?Or, what would you do if the office lady in your step-son's school told you that you couldn't pick him up without a note from the bio mom?And what names does a kid use for each of his two moms or his two dads? Houston, we have a problem. Get ready to bust a gut as Bonnie and Ellen push past anger and find humor in even the most unfair situations on their journey to fabulous same-sex parenting.Quote from Zach Wahls' speech to the Iowa legislature in 2011 (see video link below):“My family really isn't so different from yours after all. Your family doesn't derive its sense of worth from being told by the state, ‘You're married. Congratulations.’ No, the sense of family comes from the commitment we make to each other: to work through the hard times so we can enjoy the good ones. That comes from the love that binds us. That's what makes a family.”____________________LinksZach's YouTube Video: Zach Wahl's address to Iowa legislatureRosalia Video: Rosalia's performance at the 2020 Grammy AwardsResource for same-sex cards: ZazzleFind all episodes of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids wherever you get your podcastsBuzzsproutApple PodcastsSpotifyFollow us on social media!Instagram @ishouldnthavehadkidsFacebook ishouldnthavehadkidsTwitter @SHHKidsOr, email us :)ishouldnthavehadkids@gmail.com

56mins

9 Feb 2020

Rank #10

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Crime and Punishment – 10

Let's be honest. All kids make bad choices, break house rules, and openly defy parental boundaries. It's kind of their job. Our job is to let them know that they've stepped in the proverbial pile of dung—and to make sure they feel the sting of their bad behavior. In this week's episode, we get real—very real—about disciplining kids. Bonnie gets particularly candid and Ellen loses her mind over spanking. Both of us admit, that like all parents, we are nothing but a series of occasional bad choices punctuated by moments of supreme clarity, nailing this thing we call parenting.LinksNew York Times article: Spanking is Ineffectual and Harmful to ChildrenHealthy Children article: Best Ways to Discipline My ChildFind all episodes of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids wherever you get your podcastsBuzzsproutApple PodcastsSpotifyFollow us on social media!Instagram @ishouldnthavehadkidsFacebook ishouldnthavehadkidsTwitter @SHHKidsOr, email us :)ishouldnthavehadkids@gmail.com

1hr 4mins

3 Feb 2020

Rank #11

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Put your damn phone down! – 4

Little did we (or you, or any other parent in the world) ever imagine the headache smart phones would create in our lives. Do any of these lines sound familiar to you?"Please look at me when we're talking.""You know the rules. No phones at the dinner table.""Why don't you put that thing away and pay attention?""I'm sorry but there is no way you can do homework well and Snapchat all night long.""We never should have given you that thing.""Why don't you pick up when I call?""Hello? Are you there? Can you please for the love of god answer my texts?"We actually thought we could avoid all of these troubles by asking our kids to sign an iPhone contract spelling out where and how they could use their smart phone. BWAHAHAHAHA. The joke was on us!Links:"Look Up" spoken word videoOp-ed letter to Apple demanding help for parentsDisney before and after smart phonesScreen StrongFind all episodes wherever you get your podcastsBuzzsproutApple PodcastsSpotifyFollow us on social media!Instagram @ishouldnthavehadkidsFacebook ishouldnthavehadkidsTwitter @SHHKidsOr, email us :)ishouldnthavehadkids@gmail.com

46mins

21 Dec 2019

Rank #12

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Sneaky Teens – 24

Sneaking out of the house is a rite of passage for lots of teens. And they'll tell you that it's as easy as 1-2-3.Step 1: Slip out of bed and use an extra blanket to create a "body" under the bed covers. Step 2: Army crawl out your bedroom door, down the hall and out the front door, steering clear of squeaky floorboards.Step 3: Quietly close the front door behind you. Then, run like hell.This week, Bonnie and Ellen rummage through their own teen years to detail sneaking out and coming face-to-face with a Russian sailor, a prostitute ring, and the bright glare of a police officer's flashlight. LinksQuarantined female celebrities throw down on YouTube: SS Bitch Fight ChallengeMeryl Streep, Christine Baranski and Audra McDonald sing Sondheim in their PJs: The Ladies Who LunchFind all episodes of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids wherever you get your podcastsBuzzsproutApple PodcastsSpotifyFollow us on social media!Instagram @ishouldnthavehadkidsFacebook ishouldnthavehadkidsTwitter @SHHKidsOr, email us :)ishouldnthavehadkids@gmail.com

1hr 5mins

12 May 2020

Rank #13

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I Spell Stress C-O-V-I-D – 23

As if raising kids wasn't stressful enough: let's layer on a pandemic while we're at it. Then  ask parents to work, teach, cook and discipline all at the same time. Oh, and don't forget the dog. The dog must have a walk. As the pandemic wears on, parents are beginning to implode like faulty explosives in an abandoned mine field. And you know who has to walk through that minefield? The kids.What do our children do with the stress they experience during a traumatic worldwide event like this? If you ask the experts, they'll all tell you the same thing: Kids look to the example their parents set and follow suit. Oh, dear god. Our poor boys.If anyone can find the humor in these dark days, it's the hosts of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids. Irreverent, thoughtful, and funny-as-hell, Bonnie and Ellen get what it's like to parent—even when the shrapnel is falling all around them. LinksHilarious Website: McSweeney's Internet TendencyYouTube: Wes Tank Raps Dr. SeussExplore's Animal Live Cams: The Eaglets!Personality Quiz for Your Kids: 16 PersonalitiesFind all episodes of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids wherever you get your podcastsBuzzsproutApple PodcastsSpotifyFollow us on social media!Instagram @ishouldnthavehadkidsFacebook ishouldnthavehadkidsTwitter @SHHKidsOr, email us :)ishouldnthavehadkids@gmail.com

1hr 2mins

5 May 2020

Rank #14

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Bow Down to Teachers – 22

This week's episode is an ode to the Mighty Teacher. Most of us didn't really understand just how essential these hard-working men and women were to our kids, our daily routine, and our ever-loving parental sanity until COVID-19 hit. Without the support of teachers, we parents have been left to home school and drink too much wine. TBH, alcohol really doesn't help solve for n—but it sure takes the sting out of realizing your teen is smarter than you. On episode 22, hear stories about remarkable teachers, find out why Bonnie's childhood nickname was "Fingers," and listen to the unbelievable story of how one of Ellen's favorite teachers was nearly murdered by her husband. He tried to poison her with cyanide! Ellen's teacher survived, but two others in Washington state weren't so lucky. The kicker is that Ellen's mom helped solve the murder mystery!We'll keep you laughing through these long, hard shelter-in-home days with irreverent stories about parenting. Word of warning, however. We tend to swear like sailors. LinksYouTube video: 1980s Keytar Riffs!New York Times Article: The Attempted Murder of Ellen’s TeacherFind all episodes of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids wherever you get your podcastsBuzzsproutApple PodcastsSpotifyFollow us on social media!Instagram @ishouldnthavehadkidsFacebook ishouldnthavehadkidsTwitter @SHHKidsOr, email us :)ishouldnthavehadkids@gmail.com

1hr 9mins

28 Apr 2020

Rank #15

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Blended Weddings – 21

Planning a wedding typically means making a boatload of decisions in rapid-fire succession. When you're a blended family, however, you can add an additional layer of complexity to the situation. Here are the kinds of extra questions we had to deal with when we said our "I do's": Since it's our second time around, should we have a big, white wedding or go low-key? Will our guests be freaky that ours is a same-sex wedding? Should we make vows to the kids as well as each other? Should our kids even be in the wedding? Should we invite our exes? What about gifts? Should we accept gifts the second time around? What if your [fill in the blank] won't talk to me because she thinks that you never should have divorced your ex? Pass the antacid because we're talking blended families, same-sex weddings, and COVID-19 wrapped in one big bundle of irreverent humor on this week's episode of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids. Links Ellen's spirit animal of the week: Malcolm Gladwell's Revisionist History Podcast YouTube video that will make you go "Awww":The Vice Principal's Big Surprise Follow us on social media! Instagram @ishouldnthavehadkids Facebook ishouldnthavehadkids Twitter @SHHKids Have a funny story to share about parenting (or being parented)? Email us and we'll read it on the show! ishouldnthavehadkids@gmail.com Find all episodes of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids wherever you get your podcasts Buzzsprout Apple Podcasts Spotify 

1hr 9mins

21 Apr 2020

Rank #16

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Food Fight – 20

Quarantined at home with COVID-19 means every parent is now the host of their own cooking show—and kids are the audience. Talk about a tough crowd. What do you do when said audience turns their nose up at rice and beans, your signature pandemic dish? Don't they know there are starving kids in India, Africa and downtown L.A.?  Kids were making parents crazy in the perpetual family food fight long before the novel coronavirus turned our lives and the dinner table upside down. Let's face it, though. It's a special slice of hell when we're all stuck together inside and someone just ate the last slice of pizza. Oh, snap.  Join us as we detail power struggles with hungry toddlers, new parents who hand wring over baby's every bite, and finicky middle school eaters in this week's episode of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids. And don't forget to pack a lunch. Must-see VideoYouTube:Denver the Guilty Dog Find all episodes of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids wherever you get your podcastsBuzzsproutApple PodcastsSpotifyFollow us on social media!Instagram @ishouldnthavehadkidsFacebook ishouldnthavehadkidsTwitter @SHHKidsOr, email us :)ishouldnthavehadkids@gmail.com

49mins

14 Apr 2020

Rank #17

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Summer Fever – 19

Remember when spring meant a million end-of-the-year school events, figuring out who would watch the kids for the summer, and a frantic dash to get their summer activities selected, booked, and organized? We used to complain about the headache of it all but now we'd give our right arms—both of 'em—to be facing the summer schedule gauntlet again.Instead, the Washington state lockdown continues. This week, Washington's governor announced that public schools will remain closed for the rest of the year (cue Alice Cooper's "School's Out for Summer"). And parents everywhere are muttering to themselves, "I shouldn't have had kids..."Who knows where we'll be come June, but while we wait and wonder, stay right here with us. We'll keep you company with ridiculous stories of our parenting, eye-rolling antics of older kids adulting, and Shy Guy's search for any kind of normality as he comes of age alongside Covid–19. All we can say is, what the actual fuck?

48mins

7 Apr 2020

Rank #18

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Coping with Covid – 18

They say laughter is the best medicine. Well, we call BS. A vaccine against this damn virus is truly the best medicine. Until it arrives, however, we'll have to make do with a little laughter and a lot of alcohol. And Doritos. There must be Doritos.This week, a look at how this pandemic has turned the world upside down—especially for parents. If you've never tried working from home with a three-year-old hanging off your chair, count your blessings. Or how about a hungry teenager busting into your home office (AKA  your bedroom) while you're in the middle of an important virtual meeting. You silently mouth, "I'm on the phone," but he responds with, "What's for lunch?" at full volume. For the love of god, kid, go open the refrigerator and look! And stay away from my Doritos.There's never been a better time to podcast for parental sanity. Whatever this thing is that we're doing, let's do it together. It beats the hell out of the alternative. Stay home but stay connected. We'd be lonely without you.LinksCBS News story: Spring breaker apologizes for “If I get corona, I get corona” commentA covid-19 pivot: Superfeet offers 3-D printing capacity to help fill medical equipment shortageYouTube video: Woman interrupted during a BBC interviewFind all episodes of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids wherever you get your podcastsBuzzsproutApple PodcastsSpotifyFollow us on social media!Instagram @ishouldnthavehadkidsFacebook ishouldnthavehadkidsTwitter @SHHKidsOr, email us :)ishouldnthavehadkids@gmail.com

53mins

31 Mar 2020

Rank #19

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A Covid–19 Quarantine PSA from Lola

Our middle son, who's nickname for the podcast is Lola (if you are scratching your head over that one listen to the show trailer), has a word or two for those of you who think that a backyard neighborhood BBQ is good idea in these days of STAY AT HOME. If you think that every teen and 20-something is out there partying on the beaches of Florida or smoking pot and drinking a Quarantini in the forest with other one-time college students, Lola will restore your faith in this generation of kids. 

1min

28 Mar 2020

Rank #20