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Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction

The Overcoming Betrayal and Addiction podcast, featuring Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami VerHelst, presents a conversational Q&A style discussion drawn from listener questions about sex and porn addictions, infidelity, cheating, and hard work required to heal relationship betrayal. Dr. Rob and Tami are very good at engaging people struggling with painful life issues in a useful, respectful way. They also invite you to join them on their live weekly webinar (Mondays, 5 p.m. Pacific at https://bit.ly/DrRobandTami), where they answer questions live Dr. Rob is Chief Clinical Officer for Seeking integrity Treatment Centers. He is a 25-year licensed therapist, a PhD sexologist, and author Sex Addiction 101, Prodependence, and Out of the Doghouse, among other books. Tami is Chief Relationships Officer for Seeking Integrity LLC. Tami brings over 30 years of personal addiction knowledge, helping supply struggling individuals and couples with the resources and direction they need to heal.

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The Overcoming Betrayal and Addiction podcast, featuring Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami VerHelst, presents a conversational Q&A style discussion drawn from listener questions about sex and porn addictions, infidelity, cheating, and hard work required to heal relationship betrayal. Dr. Rob and Tami are very good at engaging people struggling with painful life issues in a useful, respectful way. They also invite you to join them on their live weekly webinar (Mondays, 5 p.m. Pacific at https://bit.ly/DrRobandTami), where they answer questions live Dr. Rob is Chief Clinical Officer for Seeking integrity Treatment Centers. He is a 25-year licensed therapist, a PhD sexologist, and author Sex Addiction 101, Prodependence, and Out of the Doghouse, among other books. Tami is Chief Relationships Officer for Seeking Integrity LLC. Tami brings over 30 years of personal addiction knowledge, helping supply struggling individuals and couples with the resources and direction they need to heal.

He’s Sober, but Still So Emotionally Walled Off. Will It Ever Get Better?

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Dr. Rob and Tami help define what the definition of true recovery is in this week’s episode. If you or a spouse is ‘sober’ that doesn’t always mean they’re on a path of recovery. Dr. Rob shares some signs that show you’re actually making progress towards becoming a better person. Dr. Rob and Tami also talk about why it can take so long for a sober addict to actually ‘be’ a good person that can connect empathically with their spouse.

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:25] Is remorse necessary for recovery and healing? My SA hasn’t demonstrated any remorse throughout his recovery. 

[4:35] What is the definition of recovery? 

[6:25] My husband has trouble connecting emotionally. Will he ever be able to authentically connect with me? 

[10:30] Just because they’re sober doesn’t mean they’re automatically going to be nice to you. This process takes time. 

[11:05] My heart still aches that my SA acted out for the last 15+ years with friends of mine. I’m having trouble pretending it never happened. 

[12:00] Dr. Rob can tell based on how an addict in treatment talks and whether they’re talking sobriety seriously or not. When they leave treatment, that’s just the first step on a long journey. 

[15:00] Unfortunately, you won’t be able to look at this person again. 

[18:10] As a betrayed spouse, your whole world has been poisoned. It makes sense why the brain can’t just ‘forget’ that. 

[19:25] What is hyperphantasia? 

[23:10] An affair partner reached out to me. I blocked her. My spouse is still upset that this woman reached out and wants to verify whether one of this woman’s children is biologically mine. This would mean unblocking the affair partner to ask her. What can I do to comfort her? 

[25:25] Betrayed spouses can hyper fixate on the why and get stuck in the process. They want to bring the affair partner in thinking it’ll lead to closure. It won’t. 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Jul 14 2022

29mins

Play

I Feel Hopeless and Defeated with My Addict

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Dr. Rob and Tami talk about some of the warning signs when an addict is trying to manipulate you in their recovery. If he is threatening suicide, if he is not listening to your boundaries, it, unfortunately, might mean it’s time to take drastic measures and kick him out of the house. Many addicts use the suicide word to purely manipulate, and often don’t have intentions of doing the act. You might feel hopeless, but it’s time to take care of yourself.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:00] I don’t think my addict has any remorse. Seems he’s in sobriety but not in recovery. What do I do?

[4:55] My husband is sober for four months but has not shown any commitment to his recovery. Is there hope for him?

[8:25] Belief in God is not an action! This man is trying to manipulate you and he’s breaking your boundaries.

[13:55] How long does it usually take an SA to remember the things they’ve done? Do they really not remember?

[20:25] As a sex addict, I always feel like my partner is going to leave me. What can I do?

[23:55] I was diagnosed with OCD, does this contribute to my addiction?

[27:35] How do I forgive myself for betraying my partner? I don’t want to tell her I had a slip.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Jul 07 2022

33mins

Play

Three Months of Sobriety Means Nothing to Your Betrayed Spouse

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Dr. Rob and Tami talk about a common mistake sex addicts often do not consider and that’s the recovery of your betrayed spouse. You might be in recovery and doing all the work, but your spouse is going to feel the ripple effects of your addiction long after D-day. Showering your partner with gifts and affection is not what’s going to cut it, and it takes much more to build the trust back up in the relationship. In this episode, Dr. Rob and Tami share how you can work on your recovery and be a better person to your betrayed spouse.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:50] My husband is on week four of Out of the Doghouse, what changes should I expect?

[4:55] You need to understand your own self, and why you have a sex addiction before you can seek forgiveness from your spouse.

[6:50] When you’ve destroyed the trust in a relationship, it’s not going to come back overnight with a bunch of flowers.

[7:11] Three months of sobriety means nothing when you’ve hurt your wife for the last 20 years of marriage.

[8:00] My husband sees a CSAT weekly but he’s dragging on everything else. Should we just separate?

[12:55] What is a sex addict really seeking? Is it validation? My husband had everything, I just don’t understand it.

[16:30] A lot of men say they love their spouses but addicts don’t truly know what it means to love somebody.

[19:25] What do true remorse and guilt look like?

[22:05] My SA husband got sexually aroused from seeing a young girl at our home in a bikini. Is he a pedophile?

[24:40] As an SA,  I’m having reservations about sharing certain things with my partner. How can I get over this?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Jul 04 2022

29mins

Play

Are You Bad or Are You Just Broken?

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Dr. Rob and Tami answer your questions around cravings and how to progress in a healthy way in this healing journey as a betrayed spouse, and Rob dives deeper into why someone becomes an addict in the first place. Most addicts are not bad people, they're just deeply broken people who weren’t able to get their needs met when they were growing up. Many caregivers tried their best but did not give you what you needed to thrive as a healthy child.

Jun 24 2022

31mins

Play

You Had Extramarital Affairs In Our Bed!

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Dr. Rob and Tami open today's conversation about what psychological abuse really is. Many people in recovery do not realize that their form of persuasion can be incredibly abusive until they’ve been educated on it. Unfortunately, the spouses can receive the blunt of that abuse if they're not actively working on it and setting boundaries. Dr. Rob and Tami also talk about the deep betrayal a spouse can feel when they find out their addict brought sexual partners into their home. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Can you help me understand more about what psychological abuse is? 

[5:20] Dr. Rob has seen many sex addicts not understand that they’re abusive. 

[6:10] My husband has relapsed with drugs, but I also just found out he’s also a sex addict. Why is he doing this?

[10:00] True recovery means you’ve stopped all forms of acting out. 

[13:00] I found evidence that affair partners have been brought into our home. How do I manage this? 

[18:20] As a betrayed spouse, you need support. Reach out to Tami for more info. 

[19:00] My husband is in recovery, but I don’t think he’s taking it seriously. 

[22:55] Talk to his therapist directly. Is he lying to you or is the therapist really saying those things? 

[26:25] Addicts lie to their therapists all the time just to ‘check off the box’.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Jun 20 2022

27mins

Play

I’m Sick of Feeling Like My SA Partner’s Mom. Should We Separate?

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Dr. Rob and Tami first take a question from a listener looking to fast-track their ability to gain intimacy and closeness with others. They then hear from someone whose husband has been in recovery for five months but still operates in a manipulative way, and another whose partner betrayed them in the same manner that was done to them. This leads to a conversation on healthy boundaries and self-care. Dr. Rob explains Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, and we hear from a listener that wants to see more real changes in their partner just beyond apologies with not much forward momentum.

Jun 10 2022

32mins

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I’m Trying To Get Some Empathy, But Feel Like a Circus Freak

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Dr. Rob and Tami first address a wife whose SA husband has trouble comforting her when she’s upset or showing emotion, and she feels like a circus freak when asking for her emotional needs to be met. They discuss how empathy is both practiced and learned and how addiction recovery can help you learn to cope with your feelings and seek out true connections. They then take questions about building trust back up with your partner once you’ve broken it, why someone that is an SA may retract their admittance that they have an issue and if all sex addicts have had childhood trauma.

Jun 02 2022

28mins

Play

Without Accountability, There is No Recovery

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Dr. Rob and Tami address several partners of addicts who are projecting blame onto them and advise them on what to do to protect themselves. A spouse who is deflecting or getting angry is not taking on accountability and could be damaging your family in many ways. Dr. Rob and Tami also emphasize the importance of treating your addiction like any other dire health condition; you HAVE to carve out the time for recovery and find the right professional help. Plus, a listener writes in with a raw and vulnerable plea about how to come clean to his partner about his addiction.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:24] I recently discovered my husband has been secretly using escorts. He reacted by blaming and being angry with me. Is it worth trying to work it out or should I contact an attorney?

[5:14] Why does my partner blame me when he gets inappropriate text messages?

[7:45] I am a male addict with a very busy work schedule. Are there affordable therapists that work flexible hours?

[15:17] I’m just recently sober from both addictions, and I’m having anxiety and panic attack side effects. Is that normal?

[20:13] Dr. Rob clarifies how to use his system and book Out of the Doghouse.

[21:40] I’m a gay male who has struggled with porn addiction for 15 years. My first-ever partner supports my recovery but doesn’t know I’ve sexted a few strangers. How do I tell him?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

SRH Webinars

May 26 2022

27mins

Play

How Can I Reintegrate Healthy Sex After My Addiction Treatment?

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Dr. Rob and Tami offer some helpful resources for those in recovery who want to reintegrate and reengage in healthy sex.  They also focus on betrayed partners and give them permission to put up boundaries.  For both addicts and their partners, it’s important to understand that support is key to healing.  There are many places and resources to seek help, and you don’t have to go it alone.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:24] How do you reintegrate healthy sex after porn addiction treatment?  And what are some books to use as a resource?

[3:18] Having an accountability partner or support group is a way to curb obsessive thoughts.

[6:44] Can porn addiction cause psychological impotence/erectile dysfunction?

[11:45] I’m a betrayed partner whose partner has relapsed again.  What are the pros and cons of living together vs. separately to rebuild trust?  

[17:03] There are a number of places where betrayed partners can seek more intensive care; as victims they need support in addition to the addicts.

[19:18] As a recovering addict, it doesn’t mean you have to put yourself down but you do have to put in the work to empathize with your partner.  It’s about shifting perspective and attitude.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

The Couple’s Guide to Intimacy:  How Sexual Reintigeration Therapy Can Help Your Relationship Heal, by Dr. Bill Bercaw

Lust, Men, and Meth, by David Michael Fawcett

What is Sensate Focus and How Does it Work?

SRH Online Support Groups

May 17 2022

34mins

Play

I Have Relapsed. I Feel Terrible. What Do I Do Now?

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Dr. Rob and Tami answer some of your questions on this week’s episode. One listener had relapsed over the weekend and doesn’t know where to go from here. Dr. Rob has some helpful and encouraging advice to help you contusion on this path of sobriety and recovery. Dr. Rob and Tami also answer the question of how trauma and abuse relate to addiction, and if it’s truly possible to recover from multiple addictions at once.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] How do you create safety and intimacy?

[2:25] Addicts need to learn a whole new way of connecting.

[3:50] Is addiction recovery handled differently when you’re a child of trauma?

[10:00] A workshop or a retreat is not going to address your deep trauma wounds.

[10:30] I have relapsed. How can I bounce back?

[11:35] So many men who relapse don’t go back and ask for help. Good for you for asking for help!

[14:40] My husband is addicted to multiple things. Is recovery possible for him?

[18:40] The power dynamic has shifted in the household ever since I cheated. What do we do?

[23:30] It’s not about having “time” heal all wounds. It’s about taking action.

[24:35] How often should my SA and I do check-ins?

[27:10] Connection is all about building intimacy.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

May 06 2022

31mins

Play

I’m so Freaking Angry at Him. How Could My Addict Hurt Me Like This?

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Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how you can process your hurt and anger after you’ve found out about your spouse’s infidelity and addiction. When Tami began her recovery journey, she also had to process a lot of angry emotions and she discovered that it was triggering hidden abandonment wounds. Your initial emotions might not be what they seem, and Tami offers advice on how you can dive deeper within yourself to help process the pain.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:35] The cheating is now just gone to porn masturbation. Is this still cheating?

[1:40] Tami shares her thoughts on harm reduction.

[4:20] How does Dr. Rob define sex addiction?

[6:30] At the end of the day, what do you want? There’s a clear line on what sobriety is.

[6:50] As a betrayed spouse, I’m mad at so much. How can I process this?

[10:45] What is “brain spotting”?

[11:55] Whenever my SA husband touches me, I feel sick to my stomach. How do I fix this?

[16:30] Should I tell our respective family members about my addiction? They know my wife has been depressed.

[24:05] Is commitment phobia connected with sex addiction?

[28:20] How easy is it for someone to get over a 50-year addiction?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Apr 29 2022

31mins

Play

When You Put in the Work, You Will See the Benefits

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Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how betrayed spouses can take care of themselves, especially if their addict is not showing up in a way that they need to. They also answer a question from an emotional man, who has been in recovery for the last two years, and use it as a showcase on why recovery really does work when you put in the work. When you commit 100%, you will see the results. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[:45] My SA husband never wants to have sex. What gives?

[6:10] As a betrayed partner, you need to do self-healing work. Your partner has lied to you for over 2 decades. 

[7:20] It’s common for addicts to gaslight you and confuse you whenever you stand up for yourself.  

[10:25] My betrayed spouse doesn’t seem as invested in this recovery journey as I am. I am trying my best, what can I do? 

[13:10] I’m interested in taking the Out of the Doghouse course. When does it start?

[15:50] I’ve been in recovery for two years. I’m more emotional than ever, and my wife thinks this is strange. How can I help her understand what’s happening? 

[20:30] ADHD and addiction? Is there a connection? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Apr 28 2022

26mins

Play

I Don’t Trust My Addict Husband

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Dr. Rob and Tami talk about what to do when you’ve caught your addict watching some really uncomfortable and ethically questionable porn. They also discuss how betrayed spouses can move through grief and forgiveness in a healthy way without holding on to resentment. All this and more in this week’s episode! 

TAKEAWAYS:

[:35] Caught my husband watching incest porn. What do I do? 

[2:15] You need to find a specialist in this field and not a general therapist. 

[3:40] I’ve lost a lot. As the betrayed partner, I’m going through grief, how do I forgive? 

[6:10] Where are you in the stages of forgiveness? It takes time to grieve and forgive.

[9:00] My husband has been sober for 2 years, but I still don’t trust him. 

[13:30] The opposite of love is not hate. If you still love them, you’re passionately engaged. Opposite of love is indifference.

[15:15] If you leave, do the work you need to do to heal. 

[17:00] How important is community as part of your recovery process?

[20:15] You need to lean into others to find true healing. 

[22:15] Finding the right home group is much like dating. 

[25:20] Is it normal for sex addicts to be exhibitists? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Apr 28 2022

27mins

Play

Why Do Addicts Have Attachment Issues?

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Dr. Rob and Tami talk about attachment theory and why understanding how this affects addicts differently than a “normally” attached person. Tami also explains what the FANOS acronym is and how you can incorporate it with your partner to be better in tune with your needs and their needs. All this and more on this week’s episode!

TAKEAWAYS:

[:45] Can you please help me understand attachment theory?

[1:55] Addicts lack trust. Why call somebody for help when I can just drink?

[2:55] Dr. Rob learned that he had to make himself feel better on his own.

[3:55] Addicts have attachment issues because they don’t turn to people.

[7:40] What is the FANOS acronym?

[10:25] Why do people cheat?

[12:55] How does Dr. Rob define addiction?

[17:55] What do you do if he’s not taking action and accountability?

[19:50] Dr. Rob has seen it time and time again. Addicts go into recovery once they’ve been 

“found out.” You need to go for YOU.

[21:55] Tami has given spouses and addicts resources. And, they refuse to do them!

[26:15] Dr. Rob has learned the hard way about his narcissism.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Apr 19 2022

29mins

Play

My Recovery Is the Priority For Us to Have a Relationship

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Dr. Rob answers today’s questions on disclosures, setting up healthy boundaries, and the impact of trauma in addiction. He describes the difference between bottom-line and middle-circle behaviors and what to do to heal your relationship. He shares that Seeking Integrity exists to help addicts go to the underlying issues that drive their addiction.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:25] My addiction is MB with porn and fantasy. At the disclosure, can you tell how much detail to disclose and when and where?

[:55] Dr. Rob advises against doing disclosure without the support of professionals and what to share and not share during one.

[3:45] What do you suggest when a CSAT, a sponsor, and the spouse all disagree on a particular situation?

[4:10] Dr. Rob provides an example of objectification to share his insights.

[6:16] Spouses don’t need to know every sexual thought, what is important to share are the slips.

[8:30] While every spouse may want to know every detail, addicts need to set a healthy boundary for their recovery.

[8:50] How can a husband, who does the recovery work consistently, suddenly drop out and say it’s all too overwhelming for him?

[10:20] Insanity when acting out vs. commitment to healing. Dr. Rob explains the difference.

[11:35] What types of non-sexual trauma can manifest as addiction and why?

[12:30] The number one driver of sexual acting out is neglect. Dr. Rob shares his own experience.

[16:00] Our experience with trauma through early life is that if we reach out and try to get attention, it’s not going to be met. So addicts choose controllable situations even though they are superficial.

[19:20] I’m a chemsex addict and I have difficulty setting boundaries. How do I set boundaries when I have immense shame because of my cheating?

[20:45] Your recovery is focused on you and your healing, not your acting out.

[23:00] It is good for addicts to see the pain that they’ve caused someone they love.

[24:00] Dr. Rob shares more references that can be useful that are free.

[25:25] After discovery, the compliments I make to my wife seem to have the opposite or no effect. Is this normal?

[27:35] During the first year of recovery, Dr. Rob shares what you should not say to someone you love or are married to.

{29:25] Dr. Rob reminds addicts to plan out their time for the holidays. Primary triggers for acting out is unstructured time.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Mar 30 2022

30mins

Play

Addicts Are Deeply Troubled People

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Dr. Rob answers today’s questions without Tami as she is off making snow angels with her grandkids. He talks about how addicts do what they do, not because of their feelings towards their partners or loved ones but as a way for them to escape their reality and have control over their deep troubles.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:25] I’m having a very hard time believing that my sex addict husband can love me and do these things. Can you tell me your view on this?

[1:00] If the person knew how to stop their addiction, they would. Dr. Rob shares how addicts are deeply troubled people.

[5:00] In your experience, when do you find the betrayed spouse’s ambivalence begin to dissipate?

[5:40] Dr. Rob doesn’t think you can make yourself trust somebody and it comes over time. He expands on this further.

[7:15] I was referred to a CSAT but the therapist I spoke to is not a CSAT. Will this therapist be effective or how should I proceed?

[8:00] Dr. Rob explains that everyone that comes on staff with them gets the CSAT certification. He explains what this means and why it’s important.

[8:45] He explains what a partner needs is completely different from what an addict needs.

[11:50] Is OCD a common diagnosis with sex addicts? Is this gonna be handled separately in therapy?

[12:05] OCD vs. addiction. Dr. Rob describes the difference.

[15:00] How much input should my partner have in my circle plan? If there is a disagreement, should I take a stand and completely own it or let her take control?

[15:15] Dr. Rob shares what a circle plan is and what goes in it.

[20:00] I don’t understand spouses and the wives of alcoholics that don’t involve themselves with different partners.

[21:40] If addicts didn’t love you, they wouldn’t try to hide it. Dr. Rob explains further.

[22:05] I’m a betrayed partner with a question and example of compartmentalization. How can my partner be thinking of two people at the same time?

[24:05] Dr. Rob explains what compartmentalization is and how it doesn’t apply to this situation.

[25:15] Discovery vs. disclosure. Dr. Rob explains the difference.

[25:50] My SA husband claims he has no cravings for euphoric recall. How common is this?

[26:30] Dr. Rob thinks it’s impossible for someone to just abruptly stop what they have been doing for so long. He shares what you can do about it.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Mar 30 2022

29mins

Play

What to Disclose to Family Members About Your Addiction

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In this episode, Dr. Rob and Tami answer questions about what to disclose to family members, what dissociations are, and how to get to telling the truth faster. They also highlight that despite the fact that they enjoy answering these questions, their treatment programs can really help someone in active addiction get unstuck.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:25] I’m in the early hypersexual stage of my journey. Am I postponing his recovery by continuing to have regular sex with my SA husband?

[1:30] Dr. Rob has a message for every spouse that has been cheated on.

[2:50] Tami also asks what the husband is doing for his own recovery. Being a substitute for his fantasy does not help.

[4:30] Can you share some best practices of who and what can we disclose to our family and friends for emotional support?

[5:40] Dr. Rob advises against talking about this to family members. He shares why and some best practices.

[9:30] He also talks about their treatment programs online. He asks listeners to be fair with their expertise and level of experience.

[11:40] Dr. Rob adds two things about treatment centers: many of them are focused on the addictive piece and the larger programs tend to be a cookie cutter.

[14:00] We would love to hear Dr. Rob’s opinion on dissociations.

[13:35] To act out itself is dissociation. Dr. Rob explains further.

[17:30] With the holidays coming up, how do we face spending time with family and loved ones without feeling like a facade?

[18:15] Tami shares her thoughts of how to deflect family members from her own experience.

[19:40] Dr. Rob shares what he does whenever he visits family.

[22:25] Can you speak about the emotional struggle that SAs have in early recovery?

[22:55] Tami talks about Dr. Rob’s book, Out of the Dog House and the workgroup they will start in January.

[25:10] Dr. Rob explains how you can be compassionate and empathetic to your spouse to win them back through his book.

[27:10] I’m a sex addict in recovery and my spouse found out about my slips before I could tell her. Any advice?

[28:00] Dr. Rob defines what slips are and how they can affect your sobriety period.

[30:20] Tami advises to tell the truth and tell it faster. You shouldn’t wait regardless if it’s a slip or not.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Mar 18 2022

33mins

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Intimacy Is Not Only About Sex, It’s About Connection

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Dr. Rob and Tami talk in this week’s episode about dealing with your addiction first before being able to get into a successful relationship that you want and deserve. They also talk about how integrity from your partner is important and why you need to set up healthy boundaries for yourself as your partner goes through recovery.

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:25] Do you treat addiction to sexual fantasy like addiction to porn? What are the recommended next steps to achieving real-life romance and/or sex?

[1:10] Disappearing into fantasy is porn. Dr. Rob explains further.

[2:30] Dr. Rob also shares how you can get into a successful relationship.

[6:25] Therapy is helpful over time but having a group helps further to really recover from addiction.

[7:35] Would erectile function return for a 70-year-old man? How long would it take to return?

[8:35] Sex for older people means men may not get an erection. Dr. Rob shares his advice.

[10:00] Tami shares her insights about how to not make sex the focus.

[11:35] Can you help us structure our weekly progress meeting to work well?

[12:25] Dr. Rob talks about empathic listening and how it is essential to improve relationships.

[14:45] Tami also talks about how communication should be a give and take.

[17:10] Dr. Rob shares two ways on how not to get into conflict with each other during these meetings.

[18:20] My husband says he is not homosexual. Is he acting out with same-sex relationships due to childhood trauma?

[20:44] If you have been abused, you might reenact it, but Dr. Rob explains further how it’s different when dealing with homosexuality.

[22:55] Tami adds that your husband is still cheating on you and explains why.

[24:40] My boyfriend is a professional musician who cheated on me. How do I stop being triggered by women who still attend his concerts? How do I start to be able to focus on my own life again?

[25:25] The women did not do this to you, it was your boyfriend’s choice to cheat on you.

[28:05] Dr. Rob talks about two situations where sex addicts are most likely to act out: unstructured time and travel.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss

Mar 11 2022

30mins

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Can I Trust the Polygraph Test?

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Rob and Tami discuss some of the challenges a betrayed spouse might go through when learning to love and trust their addict again. Tami shares her thoughts about polygraphs and why they’re not the end-all solution many betrayed spouses are hoping for. All of this and more on this week’s episode!

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:55] My SA has been lying to his CSAT. What should I do to prepare for our CSAT session together? His birthday is also coming up. How can we still have a good time?

[3:45] What do you need to do to take care of yourself?

[5:55] Do you currently trust your addict? If not, do not celebrate his birthday.

[6:30] My SA has cancer. Doctors say his libido will decrease. Does that mean he is less likely to objectify women?

[10:00] Dr. Rob, can you talk more about the polygraph and how accurate it is?

[17:05] I am in recovery from chem sex. Am I improving or am I still objectifying my partner?

[20:15] The affair will always feel exciting, but it is not real.

[22:00] What is the definition of a love addict?

[26:10] Dr. Rob offers his thoughts on couples therapy and why it still always starts and ends with you.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss

Mar 11 2022

27mins

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I Can’t Undo the Past But This Is How I’m Going to Right the Ship

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In this episode, Dr. Rob and Tami talk about focusing on your internal recovery first before seeking to make peace with your spouses. It’s important to face your truth,  build on your recovery journey, and build emotional resilience to manage the day-to-day things that happen in life.

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:20] My SA husband confessed he felt aroused when he saw our nine-year old granddaughter wearing a bathing suit. Does that mean he is attracted to children? Or is it triggered from adult pornography he has viewed?

[1:45] Tami shares her discomfort with polygraphs.

[3:25] Dr. Rob adds that people who admit to something like that often have something more they have not yet said. 

[7:55] What is a restitution letter?

[9:30] Restitution is not only lip service, but there also needs to be a recovery plan. Tami explains further.

[11:05] My husband is having trouble finding a twelve-step group that works with his work schedule and it isn’t so religiously based.

[11:45] Spirituality and religion mean different things for different people. Dr. Rob explains the twelve-step program.

[16:10] Dr. Rob shares that internal recovery is important to achieve first before making peace with your spouse. 

[17:15] Should all slips be discussed with the wife, the therapist, and the sponsor?

[18:05] Dr. Rob shares to value honesty despite dealing with being cheated. 

[20:10] Can you please explain reenactment? To be specific, why would an addict act out 99% with the same sex? 

[22:20] A duck that walks like a duck must be a duck. Dr. Rob shares what he said to a couple he once counseled. 

[27:03] How do you build psychological resilience? Is the lack of it the cause of addiction?

[28:00] Dr. Rob explains what is a lack of psychological resilience that can lead to addiction. 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss

Mar 04 2022

31mins

Play