The Fleshlight Launch powered by Kiiroo is the hot new product that pairs with the Fleshlight to completely automate the sex act so you can remove all manual labor from the equation. This may not seem like a big deal, but they’ve also put bluetooth in the thing so that it can sync to special porn videos to simulate what’s going on in the scene. Combine that with VR, which is already part of some of thee videos, and you can start to see how the Fleshlight Launch could be of some interest. I’m not sure if things will ever get to the point where we can fool ourselves with technology, but is sure is fun taking the journey.

The Justice League is DC’s answer to the Avengers. Both groups go way back in comic book history, but Marvel’s movies based on their stable of superheroes have been tremendously more liked. Maybe because they took the time to cultivate the story of each character over the course of years, rather than just try to introduce all the main characters in the subplot of a single movie already hampered by a stupid premise, pitting Batman against Superman for no conceivable reason.

Batman v. Superman let everyone down, but DC fans hoped that Suicide Squad would redeem the DC universe. It did not. It may have actually made it worse. So, any hope still left resides in the actual Justice League movie. Does the trailer give any hope? Listen and find out. Or just watch it. You know you’re going to see this movie. And then regret it.

Remember Pizzagate? No? Then you’re a sane, employed individual. There were those who believed Hillary Clinton was involved in a Satanic pedophile traffic ring based out of a pizza restaurant. One of the people who pushed this story was trusted news source to the president, Alex Jones of infowars. Even he admitted now that pushing that hoax was stupid. (Hoax? is that word really necessary? Any sane person would never believe that… would they?) So where do we go from here? To the motherland, probably.

Wanna go to a brothel? Me too! Wanna go to one that consists only of sex dolls? Me neither! But some people do, I guess, in Spain since they opened just that – a sex doll brothel. The dolls are sanitized in between patrons. Too bad the same can’t be said for the real thing. Chlamydia is the gift that keeps on giving.

I could talk about this sex doll brothel all day, but here’s something: Beauty and the Beast is a tale as old as time. Like a song as old as rhyme, you might say. However, we’re less interested in the officially gay live action movie than we are the concept of beauty and the beast as income generators. A new study indicates that extremely unattractive people make more money than hot people. This seems to go against everything we have learned during our time here on Earth, but perhaps the infinitely outcast have found a way to exact their revenge upon the attractive people who tormented them long ago: by being their boss. “Clean out the wastebaskets.” “But I’m the social media director…” “You heard what I said.”

The Obamacare Replacement Plan has been unveiled by Paul Ryan, and everyone is very excited to harness the power of the free market to drive costs down by giving consumers the power to shop around. If there’s one thing the Republicans understand, it’s that Americans love shopping. However, one cannot help but wonder as the blood drains from your bullet wound whether or not this is the best time to be doing some shopping. Is Trumpcare a lateral move, a downgrade or an upgrade? It depends more on you than the facts. If you want to like it, you will. If you want to hate it, you will. If you want pretend we’re living in an alternate reality where none of this has happened, give me pointers on how you do it.

Bill Paxton died. So that’s sad. Many of our favorite quotes come from Bill Paxton movies, and this week we honor him in a very special way. Meanwhile, a free press is the cornerstone to a democracy. This opinion is widely help by those not in a vegetative state, and even shares supporters on both sides of the political aisle. Trump says the press is the enemy of the people. Most of the American people are still busy laughing about how stupid and horrifying our new president is, but the laughing should probably stop now, because the idea of free press just died in front of eyes. Trump refused to let in the media outlets that he doesn’t like because they’re not nice. CNN, the New York Times, BBC and others were not allowed in to the informal press conference. That’s how you start a dictatorship, but hey whatever let’s all route for La La Land in the Oscars, it’s a magical journey of two impossibly attractive people facing marginal levels of adversity for about an hour. Nothing to see here, folks.