The Secret to Leaving vs. Staying with your alcoholic husband
Are you feeling trapped in your marriage with an alcoholic or substance abuser? You love him or her, so you want to stay in this relationship. But you're angry, confused, and feeling hopeless. You don't know how much more you can take. Have you ever threatened to leave your loved one because you want to scare him or her into getting sober? (this almost never works for long-term sobriety, so no need to try) The idea of leaving breaks your heart and you don't see a way out. You cling to the good person you fell in love with. You need the best version of him or her. On the days you lose hope that your partner will ever get sober for good, you may secretly entertain the idea of leaving. But how would you support yourself? Where would you go? Will your children blame you for breaking apart the family? What would your family think? What would God think? It's not simple, is it? It's complicated and messy. But I'm here to remind you sweet friend: You don't need to make up your mind to leave or stay today. Forgive yourself for staying and remember you reserve the right to change your mind tomorrow. Surrender the decision and trust the process. You'll know if it's time to leave. You're not trapped - you're just not ready to make the decision yet. In the meantime, you need to get started working on your program. You know I’m always going to be honest with you because I teach from experience. And here’s the loving truth: you’re sick too. This disease has done some serious damage to you. So, let’s focus on getting you repaired and recovered. Let’s commit to working your program. And I used the word "work" intentionally. Feeling better takes commitment. We need to commit to prayer, to self-care, and to being willing and open to change. Listen to our free podcast, read our helpful tips, and join one of our programs. They are entirely online, so your confidentiality is always protected and there is no child care to line up. Plus, you have lifetime access. No matter where you decided to get the help and answers you need, you're a loving thoughtful wife who needs to feel better about herself before she can make the decision to leave or stay. By doing the work, you will no longer feel threatened or stuck. You can stay because you choose to stay. You can leave if you feel it’s time because you will be strong enough to make that decision. I hope to "meet" you inside one of our programs.
26 Sep 2016
4 Tips When Your Partner Starts Drinking
The disease of addiction can make you feel so little so fast. But, remember - there are three of you in this relationship: you, your partner, and this addiction. And it’s important to remember that it’s the evil disease called “addiction” that is killing your relationship, not your loved one. Addiction wants to take you down. So what do you do when your partner's addiction has taken over once again and he or she is lashing out? Today, I am going to give you four helpful tools you can start to use immediately to take back your power and help you feel in control. Get out or hang up. Your partner can’t verbally abuse you if you are not around to be their punching bag. Leave the room. Walk away or hang up the phone. Respectfully. No yelling, slamming doors, or shaming (I know... it’s hard). Don’t try to solve his issues. This disease is cunning and strong. You will lose. The only one who stands a chance of taking this disease down is your loved one. Let him or her fight their own battles. Don’t engage in a fight. Your attention feeds this disease. If you weren’t there to nag or argue, your partner would be left with his or her depressing thoughts. And that feeling cannot be good. You will no longer become the scapegoat for those shameful feelings. Surrender it all to God. Give it all to Him because He is willing to take it on. Close your eyes and imagine giving all your problems, anxiety, and anger away. Do this every day and every time you need to, trusting that God will make all things right. Repeat "I surrender" over and over. You can even sing that hymn: “I Surrender All” - Faith Hill has an amazing version. I know this seems hard, but too often we get dragged into this crazy addiction cycle. We blame our partner or worse - we blame ourselves for his or her drinking, drugs, gambling, or porn. We feel shame and we “own” their problems, taking responsibility for issues that don’t belong to us. And then we get angry at him or her for lying and disappointing or at ourselves for putting up with it. It’s a cycle. And it causes us to stay stuck. We need to break the cycle of addiction by choosing to respond differently. Doing one of these four things next time your loved one chooses to drink or use drugs takes back your power. And the rewards will be amazing. You will get stronger and healthier. You can do it! I am cheering you on with love and encouragement. If you’re ever looking for support on this journey, check out the three programs we offer. They are all work-at-your-own-pace and you’ll have lifetime access, so you’re able to take as long as you need. I know these changes take time. I’m here to support you and cheer you on.
1 Sep 2015
Ask Me Anything Episode #2: About My Ex-Husband
We’re back with another Ask Me Anything episode - all about my ex-husband. I was married to a good man that drinks too much and suffers from substance abuse disorder. It’s a real conversation filled with tough questions, real answers, and hopefully some new insights for you. When you're in a relationship with someone that suffers from addiction, it's hard to see the light. I felt like I was in a prison, and wasn't sure if or how to get out. If you have questions for me (about my ex-husband or not), send them to us at info@LoveOverAddiction.com. We might feature them on an upcoming episode. This podcast is for YOU - so we really want to hear from YOU. We hope you’ll share your feedback + send your questions to us.
13 Jan 2019
What It’s Really Like To Leave Your Marriage When You Love Someone Suffering From Addiction
Here’s the deal: today I get to share a conversation with you - one I had with a Love Over Addiction Sister in our community. She’s sharing her personal story about loving a good man that suffers from addiction. We cover big topics like why (and how) she ended up here in the first place. We talk about how her lack of self-confidence impacted her whole relationship, and where she is today with her two young children. As always, please welcome this brave woman with loving, judgment-free acceptance. Find more here:https://loveoveraddiction.com/podcast/ Join your community: https://loveoveraddiction.com Connect personally: https://www.instagram.com/love_over_addiction/
17 Nov 2019
Most Popular Podcasts
Why Your Partner Keeps Lying to You
Today we are going to talk about the top three ways to get your partner to stop lying to you. Let me start off by asking you a question: Have you, my sweet listener, yelled, screamed, pleaded and begged, bargained, counseled, and done everything else you could possibly think of to get your loved one sober? You are exhausted and resentful that you stay up late into the night worrying and trying to figure out how you can help while your partner is lying there passed out on the couch from another night of drinking or drugs. And tomorrow he or she will probably wake up and act like nothing happened - meanwhile, you feel like your heart was just ripped out. You try to talk to them, doing your best to let them know just how awful he or she was last night. How much they hurt you. And how they broke their promises (again) to stop drinking or using drugs. After some denial, he or she sits there and listens to you and watches you get all your feelings out. You present a long-winded, detailed, vulnerable, honest monologue. Your loved one listens and agrees with you. And then he or she drinks again. Ugh! Why does he or she keep lying and telling you that they're going to stop? Because they know the drill. They know that if they just nod their head and act like they're listening… eventually, you will stop talking. And then he or she can go back to drinking. This is your routine. You react by crying, sulking, begging, yelling. Your partner listens, says sorry, tells you how much they love you, and makes you feel special. Then drinks again. How do you get your loved one to stop lying to you and when can you trust him again? Don’t ask him to promise you he’ll stop. Your partner knows his or her drinking or drug use has got to stop. They might not act like it, but they know it’s killing them and your relationship. You don’t need to remind them. Base your decisions on what your partner does - not what they say. Does he or she tell you that their family is more important than their drinking? So how does that line up with his or her choices? Does your loved one tell you they love you and that they don't deserve you, and then a week later neglects you by going to the bar, drinking on a special occasion, or leaving you to attend an event alone? Pay attention to your partner's actions, not his words. You can start to trust them after twelve months of sobriety. Don’t feel guilty if they've stopped drinking for three months and you still don’t trust them. Your partner has done a lot of damage and he or she needs to rebuild trust with you one choice at a time. You’re a smart woman. Don’t let this disease fool you. The quickest way to stop feeling crazy and not be lied to is to stop believing the lies and look at the facts. Write them down if you have to. Join us at one of our work-at-your-own-pace programs and become a member of our secret Facebook group where the doors always open to talk about these major life changes.
23 Nov 2015
Uncovering The Truth About Enforcing Boundaries & Addiction
On this week’s episode, Michelle shares two very personal stories about boundaries. And if you’ve been a part of our community for some time, you know boundaries are a necessary skill for every single woman on this planet, especially when you love someone suffering from any kind of addiction: alcohol, drugs (illegal or prescribed), gambling, pornography, or sex among other things. Here’s a sneak peek into the episode: How can you appropriately enforce boundaries in any circumstance? What happens when you state your boundary in a dignified manner? How will sticking to your boundaries prevent unnecessary stress and anxiety? Read our blog at https://loveoveraddiction.com/2018/08/uncovering-truth-enforcing-boundaries/ If you want to learn more about the Love Over Addiction program, visit us at https://TheLoveOverWay.com/programs/love-over-addiction
5 Aug 2018
7 Most Common Mistakes You Might Be Making
Do you feel beaten down? Like you don’t recognize yourself anymore while loving someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction? This disease does a really good job trying to convince us that we are helpless. But that’s a lie. There are many things you can do to help your relationship and give him a better chance of sobriety One of the best ways to help is by learning the most common mistakes you might be making when loving an alcoholic or substance abuser. Click here for a free training video where I walk you through each one of these steps. You don't want to miss it (and you will love the helpful - and beautiful - slides in the video). Plus, it's under five minutes - because I know you're busy. Here are seven mistakes you may be making: 1. Keeping track of your loved one's drinking. If you tell him or her not to drink in the house, they will just find another place to drink. If you throw away the liquor, they will just spend more money replacing it. You have no control over anything your partner chooses to put into his body. 2. Lecturing your partner. No matter how much you threaten, it won't change their behavior. Set boundaries and give consequences for his or her behavior with your actions, not with words. 3. Speaking negatively about your loved one to your children. This is a major no-no. Your children need to feel safe. They deserve to form their own opinion about their parent, not inherit yours. 4. Researching recovery information. This is not your job. Your partner's sobriety will never last if the idea is coming from you. Don't drive him or her to meetings, purchase books, or set up appointments for them. 5. Placing your life on hold to focus on your loved one's issues. Don't. Your dreams are important. Focus on your purpose, not theirs. 6. Believing the hurtful lies. You are smart. You are valuable. You are beautiful and kind. Anyone that tells you anything else is not someone you need to be listening to. 7. Not forgiving yourself for staying with your partner. You know he or she can be awful, but you are smart enough to know they are sick. You love them, so you are choosing to stay. You reserve the right to change your mind tomorrow. So, my sweet reader - what mistake do you struggle with? Or are you like me and make them all? If you’re ready to make your healing as important as your partner’s sobriety – we are waiting for you. Our programs are online, confidential, and you have lifetime access – so you can do them at your own pace.
5 Dec 2016
The Enabling Behaviors You Need to Stop Now
When we love someone suffering from addiction, we do our very best to help them. We try everything we can think of, read, or find on Google. We try it all. With the most pure and best intentions. We want our loved ones to get sober, and stay sober for good, right? The reality is that all that energy we’re putting into our loved ones, we need to be putting into ourselves. Because addiction has hurt us too, and we deserve recovery. We deserve energy. We deserve grace. Today you’ll learn about 12 behaviors you need to stop right now, today. And some of them may be harder than others, but you know that we’re honest in this community. I share loving truths with you to help your recovery and your healing, even when they may be hard to hear. Find more: https://loveoveraddiction.com/stop-enabling-behaviors/ Join the sisterhood: https://loveoveraddiction.com/ Connect personally: https://www.instagram.com/love_over_addiction/
21 Jul 2019
When you love someone that drinks too much or suffers from addiction it's easy to be wrapped up in their disease, their actions, and their situations. We are high achieving women, and we can develop unrealistic expectations (yes, that means too high of expectations) for yourself and those around. These unrealistic expectations you can steal your joy and make it hard enjoy anything. But what if you start to make peace with who you are right now. Take some time to look around and notice all of the good things that are happening. Listen to the podcast or read the blog to hear how to get rid of the expectations that may be holding you back.
30 Dec 2018
When (and how) to break away from codependency
When we love someone suffering from addiction we so often feel alone and isolated. We can feel left in the dark, like no one really knows what’s going on. And that’s true. It feels that way because more often than not, that’s what’s actually going on. That’s one of the reasons why we love sharing these interviews with women from our community. It reminds us that we’re not alone. There are lots of women out there that actually understand what we’re going through. Hearing their stories can help us find our own power, hear new insights, and of course, help us not feel so alone. We highlight codependency, boundaries, finding professionals, and trusting yourself through her story. Find more details: https://loveoveraddiction.com/podcast/ Join the sisterhood: https://loveoveraddiction.com/ Connect personally: https://www.instagram.com/love_over_addiction/
16 Feb 2020
Encouragement and Love for the Wife of an Alcoholic
In today’s post, I am actually going to do something a little different. I’m not going to give you a tip. Today, I just want to encourage you. Tips and advice are good and can be super helpful, but sometimes we all just need a friend to encourage us. And that’s what my heart was telling me you needed today. No how-tos. Just encouragement and love. Just a friend to come alongside you and remind you that I understand and it will be okay. There might be times you want to leave your alcoholic partner, but you love him or her too much. You are worried about your family and how to survive without your loved one. What will you do for money? Where will you live? You don’t feel strong enough. You are hoping life will get easier. You need someone to tell you that soon, you will be happy. You want nothing more than to be told that your loved one will get sober for good. You feel alone and your heart hurts. Your life is out of control and your partner's bad habits are taking over. Anger is always living beneath the surface of your skin. There are moments you actually question if you are going crazy. You are jealous of other people’s happiness. How did you get here? How did this become your life? Will it ever get better? There are no tips or suggestions in this post. I just wanted you to know that I get it. I understand. I care about you. I think about you every day and I am on a mission to help you. My life’s purpose is to deliver the message that will help heal your heart and help you get the love you deserve. Have hope, my sweet friend. You are beautiful. You are worthy. You are loved. You are deserving of unconditional love, goodness, and kindness. Trust that it will get better. You have a future and through this pain, you will come out a stronger woman. Yes, your bruises will show. Your cuts will be scars, but you will come out alive. Better. More beautiful than you’ve ever been. That pain and those scars will serve you and inspire others. They are purposeful. You will be used to help and heal. Because you have gifts. You’re important. You matter to me and to God. So keep your eyes on Him. Keep looking up and trust you’re not alone. Not for one second. Not in the moments of anger or the moments of quiet stillness that leave you feeling empty and alone. Even when you can’t see the hope and all you see are obstacles – have faith to let it go and trust that the pain you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming. There is such amazing wisdom in our online group. If you’re interested in joining us – we would LOVE to have you. You get immediate access after you purchase any one of the programs. And because the group is secret, none of your friends and family will be able to tell you’re a member or see your posts.
12 Aug 2015
Why You Might Be Staying in an Unhealthy Relationship
This week we’re going to answer the question: why do I stay in an unhealthy relationship? But... before we get started, I want to make something clear. I will never tell you to stay or leave. There are many women in this community who choose to stay in their marriage and it works for them. And there are women who leave. My goal for this community is to get YOU healthier and happier so you can make the decision that is best for you. The choice is yours and we will NEVER judge you. Ever. There are many reasons we decide to stay in a unhealthy relationship (we love them, we see their potential, we find self worth in helping others, fear of what others will think, fear of breaking up a family, etc). Today we’re going to be covering a reason I’ve never discussed before. Here’s a question I received from a wonderful and strong woman in our Secret Facebook Group that we will use as a great example (I think a lot of you will be able to relate): Q: I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for over two years. At first I thought he just drank a lot, then his obsession with drinking made me realize he is an alcoholic, a highly functioning one. The whole relationship, I gave and he took. I could see that when something interfered with his drinking he would avoid it. But as soon as I began to put some demands on him, basically just asking him to treat me like I treat him, he began to talk about how our relationship wasn't working. So now we are not together, except to go out to dinner once in awhile, which I am about to put an end to. But why does it hurt so much to let this man go? I loved him like I never loved anyone else. I was so selfless and always thinking of him. I just can't understand why my heart hurts so much but my brain is telling me I am lucky it has ended and get on with my future without him. I still love him. This is a question I get a lot. Why do we know in our heads that leaving is the right thing but our hearts want to go back? Are you ready for the truth? It might be difficult to read but if you’re honest with yourself it maybe something you need to hear. The truth is, when we don’t completely love and accept ourselves we are always looking for people and circumstances to reinforce our negative beliefs. I’ll give you an example. Let’s say he promises to come home at a certain time. And you wait for him. But he’s late and he doesn’t even bother calling to tell you he’s running behind schedule. And when he does finally walk through the door he smells like alcohol or looks high. You ask him if he'd been drinking or using and he tells you that you’re paranoid and overreacting. In other words, he belittles you for not being cool with the situation. What’s really going on in this scenario is that you came into this relationship feeling unimportant and not good enough. And he is reinforcing that belief about yourself by the way he’s treating you. When he doesn’t show up on time because he’s at the bar or out with friends after work, his ACTIONS are telling you that you're not important enough to him to choose your relationship and get sober. And then you start to think, “What could I have done better to get him home on time? What am I doing wrong that he doesn’t love me enough?” You take it as a personal rejection that something is wrong with YOU. And you think that if you just “get it right” he will finally find you important enough to come home and stop choosing drugs or drinking over you. That is the reason this disease can be so powerful over us. Because it attracts women who already believe they are unimportant or unworthy of being cherished, and have hearts that want to help others. Addiction can identify types of women like us a mile away. And you want to know how it confirms we are the women who will fall for the guy who suffers from addiction? We stick around. We are the ones who stay and try to help the ones we love get sober. Think about it, if a really confident woman was going on a date with a man who said he was going to pick her up at 7:00 pm and then he showed up at 8:00 with alcohol on his breath or high as a kite - do you really think she would get in the car with him? No, she would probably refuse to go out and never call him back. Why is she so different than us? Because she knows she’s important and she loves herself enough to not accept dysfunction into her life. We need to starting falling in love with ourselves more than we fall in love with the alcoholic or addict. It might be the most difficult thing we ever do, but it should be our new goal. Because only THEN can we walk away from disfunction without looking back. We can start to honor ourselves. We can find the worth in who we are and were created to be. We can look at ourselves in the mirror and believe: I am enough. And when all our decisions and choices come from a place of self love, we can become the most powerful and attractive version of ourselves. Everything in our lives will change. If you’re wondering how to start practicing self love, we have you covered. The Love Over Addiction program is filled with REAL tools and techniques . It’s a program for you (not for him) and it will help whether he gets sober or not. I hope you make your healing a priority and join us.
13 Aug 2017
She’s Staying With Her Husband Suffering From Alcoholism
Every woman that loves someone suffering from addiction is looking for hope. We want our loved ones to change, and we’re doing anything and everything we can to get them sober. We are in a relationship with our loved one for our own reasons, and we never intended to leave the relationship or marriage. I remember when I was married to a good man suffering from addiction, I tried everything to make it work. You name it, I probably tried it. Is it possible to live a life with your partner, staying in your own lane, and living in your own happiness whether they get sober or not? For some, that is possible. Let me lovingly remind you that we never do judgment. You reserve the right to change your mind at any time, for any reason. Let me also say that staying is not for everyone. Today on the podcast I talk with Dana. We’ve been friends for 20 years, and she’s married to a good man that drinks too much and suffers from addiction. We met in college, and she has chosen to stay (for now), and she lives a happy life. Listen to her story today. Find show notes and more here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/staying-suffering-from-alcoholism/ If you’d like a free guidesheet on how to communicate your boundaries, we have that for you here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/boundaries132/ And if you’re ready to join our online programs and take your healing to the next level, you can find out more here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/courses/
24 Mar 2019
Ask Me Anything Episode #3: With My Husband
We all love (or have loved) someone that suffers from addiction. It could be alcohol, illegal (or legal) drugs, prescription pills, pornography, or sex among other things. Regardless of who you are, and what role they (and their addiction) play in your life, it does have an impact on us. It impacts our outlook on life, our trust, our relationship, that inner voice that we all have. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be in a different relationship? If you decide to leave your partner, what does life look like afterwards? Is there hope? Will you trust again? Could you ever find a different partner that didn’t have addiction issues? What about the kids? These are serious questions, and today, I talk with my husband Brian about our life, our relationship, and our kids. Addiction actually helped our relationship. Listen to the whole story (or at least 1 hour’s worth) here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/ask-me-anything-3/ We have a free guidesheet for you here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/compassion125/ And if you're ready to join the Love Over Addiction movement, and see our free offerings and online programs, join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/courses
3 Feb 2019
Dealing with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? This Is a Must-Read.
Let’s be real with each other. It’s hard to keep up with all the different ways your loved one treats you, isn’t it? You might have a tender moment in the car and reach for their hand and you’re reminded of why you feel in love with them in the first place. They might be funny and cracking you up when you both are standing at the kitchen counter talking about your day. Or you might share a thoughtful and romantic moment that gives you the deep sense of connection that has been missing for awhile. These are the moments of light in times of darkness. These are the glimmers of hope when we feel defeated. Moments like the examples above are when their behavior comes from a place of truth. This is who God made them - a good loving person - and this is how your relationship was intended to feel like. But then, as we are holding our heads up to the light and beginning to trust again… that hope fades and we are left in darkness. Our broken hearts have to learn one more time how to handle heartbreak. Because the one we love is replaced with darkness. They have faded into the background and we are left loving an unwelcomed version of them. The addiction masks them like a cloak and our happy, productive, romantic partner is replaced with a hurtful, distant, insulting, worst version of themselves. Let’s just state the obvious: it’s not fair. But addiction never promised to be fair, did it? Addiction doesn’t know about respect or compromising. Addiction doesn't listen - it takes. It’s selfish. If you can untangle the person you love into two separate beings, lots of good things can happen. You will find your power and control. Because the next time they become distant or rude, you can say to yourself, "That’s the addiction. It’s not personal. It’s a disease. I did nothing to justify this behavior." And when you see a true glimpse of the one you love who is kind and responsible, you can enjoy and savor them with the realistic expectation that they will not stay like this forever (unless, of course, they are sober and getting weekly help). If you choose to stay or leave them, making peace that the one you love is struggling with two versions of themselves will help you turn anger into compassion. You will be able to reach a point of empathy because when they lash out or reject you, you’re not taking it personally. You can say to yourself (or out loud), “I am an intelligent, sober woman and this is just the addiction talking. I don’t listen or believe anything that comes from addiction because I know it’s a selfish liar who is out to deceive me. I am too smart and strong to fall for it.” This is how you handle someone who is struggling with staying consistently loving and thoughtful because they are addicted to drug, alcohol, pornography, or sex. You are a strong woman and you have found a sisterhood that believes in you. Together, we are here for one another, sharing the issues that no one talks about. We will not be ashamed and we refuse to just sit and accept that we won’t feel happiness and joy until they choose to get sober. We are not powerless over this disease. And if you want to see real change in your life - now’s the time to join our programs. We will welcome you with open arms. Privacy is our biggest priority and no childcare is necessary. Do them online, at your own pace, and have lifetime access. We hope to meet you inside the program.
4 Feb 2018
The Real Truth About Alcoholics
Warning: you’re about to read something that will be difficult to swallow. It was posted by an alcoholic from another website. And although it might be tough, I think hearing it will help you understand that starting your recovery is the most important, life-changing step you can make. If you want a happier, more peaceful life, you can start with the one thing this disease can’t control - YOU. The change that needs to be made in your life starts with you. Are you ready to hear the truth? Here are some words from an alcoholic… My name is _ and I am an alcoholic. This is what alcoholics do. You cannot and will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you any better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me. Something to use. When I say I love you, I am lying through my teeth because it is impossible for someone who is an active alcoholic. I wouldn't be drinking if I loved myself. Since I don't, I cannot love you. My feelings are pushed down and numbed by my alcohol. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat, and steal from you. My behavior will not change and cannot change until I make a decision to stop drinking and follow it up with a plan of action. And until I make that decision I will continue to hurt you over and over again. Stop being surprised. I am an alcoholic and this is what alcoholics do. I know... this gets you right in the gut. I really debated posting this because it’s not very encouraging, is it? But what if this is a great starting point? What if we come to accept this as the truth and start our lives over from here? We don’t have to leave or stay and we don’t have to stop loving them. We can begin to rebuild our lives knowing that all things can change (including our partner's sobriety) if we just stop putting all our energy into their addiction. Our healing begins when we stop looking for what we need from people who are unable to give it to us. What if we make a healthier stronger choice and start putting our energy into our own healing and grow in our spirituality? If you haven’t joined us in one of our programs and you want to find answers, hope, and happiness, what are you waiting for? Click here to check out the details. Our programs are offered for just $25 a month. If they are spending money on their bad habits, making an investment in your family's future is a better choice, don’t you think?
11 Nov 2015
A Truth About Sobriety That No One Talks About
There is a very common issue in the world of addiction called dry drunk. It’s when someone is actively refraining from drinking, but still displaying signs of selfishness, stubbornness, lack of accountability, and blame. And it’s shocking because for so long you’ve thought if they just got sober everything would be better. If they just got sober, they would turn into the loving, kind person they used to be and your relationship would be everything you wanted and more. But when they stop drinking they get cranky. And mean. You end up walking on eggshells even more because you never know what kind of mood they will be in. And the selfish, narcissistic behavior actually gets worse. How could that be? Alcohol and/or drugs were the root of our problems, so why isn't it better? If the one you love is resentful, angry, depressed, anxious, jealous, speaking fondly of his or her drinking days, self-obsessed, or now addicted to something else that’s unhealthy (like sex, video games, or food) they are probably considered a dry drunk. So what do you do about it? First, let’s start with the fact that this is normal behavior for some. Drinking or drug use was their way of coping. Now that that has been taken away, they are left with all these feelings and don’t know how to handle them like a mature, loving adult. And unless they are willing to get outside help like counseling, AA support groups, a sober-living house, yoga, small groups, etc., this behavior will most likely continue. The other sad news is that dry drunk behavior often leads to relapse. I’m not sharing this with you to make you scared, but I believe knowledge is power and removing the scales from your eyes is the BEST way to start your recovery and deal with this disease. Most importantly, I need to you hear this, so lean in closely: Their awful behavior is NOT your fault. Don’t let this disease try to blame you. You’re a loving and wonderful partner. You’ve done the best you can to deal with this relationship. If they get cranky, try not to be around them. You can sleep in another room, schedule things without them on the weekends, eat dinner when you feel like it, and don’t need to wait for them to show up. Get busy getting busy. Create your own space until they get the help they need. Create and enforce your boundaries. And most importantly get the help you need. If you haven’t joined us already, this is the time. There are three programs for every stage of your recovery (including mothers). Check them out by clicking here. It’s time to commit.
19 Nov 2017
An Expert Interview With A Child Psychologist
As mothers, we all try to do the very best for our children. But our ‘job’ as mothers changes significantly when we love someone suffering from addiction, especially if that someone is the child’s parent. Knowing how to protect your children in this situation is imperative to raising healthy children who are mentally and emotionally stable. And let me share a loving truth: You have to learn the tools to know how to raise children who don’t later become addicts themselves. It’s your job. And I know you can do it. Learn these tools and more from today’s episode: https://loveoveraddiction.com/child-psychologist-expert-interview
28 Apr 2019
Part I - How To Deal With Denial When You Love Someone Suffering From Addiction
When you love someone suffering from addiction, it can be hard to see clearly in that situation. Especially if they develop their addiction habits after you meet them. When we’re in the thick of loving someone suffering from addiction, we can have blinders on. We can be in denial, or make excuses for them. We begin to think that this crazy environment, with all this chaos, is normal. Have you ever felt that way? If you have, I want you to listen to this podcast interview with Terri. She’s a Love Over Addiction sister, and her story will inspire you. Her brave actions, her boundaries, her change in behaviors truly shifted her whole life. You can find more details here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/how-to-deal-with-denial/ If you want more free resources when you love someone suffering from addiction, check out our website here: http://loveoveraddiction.com And, if you’re up for it, it’d mean so much to us if you rate and review our podcast on iTunes. The more ratings and reviews we have, the easier it is for other women in need to find us. Thank you.
7 Apr 2019
How to REALLY Surrender
The word surrender is used a lot in the world of addiction. One of the things that always bothered me was that I was constantly being told that I needed to let go and surrender, but I never really understood how. The word surrender to me means letting go of my emotional investment in a certain outcome. So what’s the opposite of surrendering? Controlling. Let me ask you a question, and I promise it’s just you and me so you can keep it real and honest. We don’t do judgment in this safe community of ours. Would you consider yourself a controlling person? Do you put forth a lot of effort to get an outcome that you think is beneficial to your situation? When you are told no, are you the type of person who is determined to make it a yes? Do you run a situation over and over in your mind, trying to figure out how you can get someone to do whatever it is you think is best? Let’s make it even more specific. If you love someone suffering from the disease of addiction do you: Track your loved one’s location most of the time? Look for liquor or beer bottles? Mark their bottles to see how much they have been drinking? Text them when you think they are up to no good? Lecture them when they come home late? Nag them about chores or responsibilities? Micromanage their schedule? Feel anxious if you don’t know where they are or how much they have had to drink? Get other people to talk them into getting sober? Research helpful resources about sobriety and send them links or bring up your findings with the intention of convincing them they need help? Try your best to meet their every need so they won’t drink or use drugs? Exhaust yourself with the expectation that everything needs to be perfect? Love them so hard that letting them go seems so unbearable that you hold on even tighter? End up in a rage because everything you’ve tried isn’t working? If you said yes to even one of these questions, my sister, you are not alone. Welcome. We are your people. We get it. I could have answered yes to every single one of those questions during different times in my life. And you want to know why you said yes to one or more of those questions? Fear. You’re afraid. You are scared that this disease is going to break apart your family and take away the one you love. You are holding on with both hands as tightly as you can because the idea of losing your loved one scares you. So you fight for control. You do the opposite of surrender. When chaos happens in your life because of this disease, you dig deeper, looking for solutions. You are an overachiever. So you try harder. You read one more self-help book, you make the house even cleaner, you try harder at work, or insist the kids behave even better. You find an area in your life that you can control and you push harder. And then what happens? All this effort - where has it gotten you? There are certain areas of your life where all this effort pays off. Places where your determination and grit has clearly worked in your favor. For example: If you are controlling with your diet and exercise I bet your body is thanking you. If you have placed control over your child’s screen time and determined what they can watch and for how long, that’s a benefit to your children. Control is not always bad. In fact, it’s necessary for the success in our lives. But, there are some areas where surrendering is the healthiest choice. And I have a feeling you know what I am about to tell you… Surrendering control over our loved one's addiction is a good thing. Not only for us but for them. Remember those questions I asked you? It’s not mentally, spiritually, or physically beneficial for us to say yes to any of them. We must let go of trying to control a grown adult. If the one you love is above the age of 18 - surrendering their future is key to your healing. And the good news is that surrendering is very simple. Just stop making the choices to get in their lane. Stay in yours. Keep yourself busy with your healing and recovery. Let’s make it even more specific. If you love someone suffering from the disease of addiction this is what surrendering looks like: Stop tracking your loved one’s location most of the time. Let them go where they want to when they want to. Stop looking for their hiding spots and keeping track of how much they have had to drink. If you think they are making bad choices, don’t reach out to them. Get busy doing something you enjoy. Go to bed and don’t worry when they come home. You can sleep in a different room if you like. Make a list of chores you would like done and post it on the fridge. Tell them you would love for these to get done and then keep a quiet mouth. If they don’t do them, hire someone. If you can’t afford that, try doing it yourself or letting it go. Manage your own schedule. Eat when you want to eat. Go out when you want to go out. Take a deep breath or two or three. Tell yourself that you are a grown adult in love with another grown adult and that healthy relationships do not require micromanaging. You will eventually find out where they have been and what they have been doing. Please don’t ask people to talk to your loved one about their sobriety. That’s manipulating. Your friends and family will talk to them if they feel that’s appropriate. No need to push. Next time you Google, look up something that you’re interested in. It could be a new hobby, a vacation, or images for your dream board (we talk a lot more about dream boards in our Love Over Addiction program). You don’t need to try to be perfect. The only thing you need to try harder at is loving yourself. Spend some alone time every day with God and ask to be reminded how loved and lovely you are. If you spend too much time trying to fix everything around you so your loved one won’t drink, use drugs, cheat, or look at porn, you are wasting your time. Let things become imperfect - it will have no effect on their bad habits. The next time you think of doing something kind for them, stop and do something kind for yourself. I’m not telling you to be selfish. But they know you love them. Do you love yourself? Be compassionate and ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” And then go do it. Anger is a real emotion when you love someone suffering from this disease. Expect it. Let it happen. Don’t fight it. Acknowledge it. Then let it pass through you. It’s okay to make time to be alone for this process. Their addiction has nothing to do with how well put together your life is. It’s their battle to fight. Love them, support them, and give them consequences and boundaries. If you’re looking for encouragement, answers, and healing - we have just the program for you. Click here to learn more about our programs and to join our Secret Facebook Group filled with loving and supportive women just like you.
7 Jan 2018