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Sex Within Marriage Podcast : Exploring Married Sexuality from a Christian Perspective

Answering questions about married sexuality and intimacy

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SWM 048 – Anonymous Questions from July & August 2019 – Squirting, Anal sex tips & Unreciprocated oral sex

Well, summer is gone and done and we’re going to try and get back into the swing of things here.  I’m going to do my best to answer these each and every month rather than batching two months together as I’ve been doing.  It’s just taking too long for people to get answers, and I want to be able to get them to you sooner.If you’re new to the community, these posts are about questions we’ve received from our anonymous Have A Question page.  Usually I don’t get contact info, so I can’t ask followup questions, or for more context, or anything.  So, I do my best to answer and give some ideas based on what I’ve got. I also post these questions in our supporters forum as soon as I get them and we discuss them there.  Those discussions help inform my responses as well.So, if you want to be a part of that process, consider supporting us and getting access to them.  With that out of the way, let’s get these questions addressed.  Question 1 - How often do people’s sex drives switch from low to highI am wondering if you have any insight into how often peoples sex drives switch from low to high overtime and why that happens.My husband (who’s 36) has had a low sex drive for a really long time. But he has been trying to get healthier and he thinks it’ll change by losing belly fat and exercising. His testosterone isn’t low anymore either but his drive is still pretty low.I’m afraid I don’t have any stats on how often.  That said, I can tell you that sex drive can change based on a lot of factors.  Hormones, health, stress, partner, age, sleep, diet, water intake, exercise, medication and a bunch of other things.  Our sex drives are always in flux, and it’s different from person to person on what factor will affect drives in which way and to what degree.  For example, about 10% of the population actually sees an increase in sex drive when they’re heavily stressed whereas for the other 90%, stress is a libido killer.It’s quite possible that losing weight and exercising can help improve sex drive.  Exercising definitely increases testosterone, and being overweight adds stress to the body, so removing that stress can help.But it’s impossible to say for sure, as we don’t know exactly what’s causing the low drive.  It’s also quite possible that he simply has more of a responsive desire than spontaneous desire.Question 2 - How to squirtHi, both my wife and I have been married for a few years and have been exploring and trying some new ideas in the bedroom. We both have an interest in having my wife squirt. We are not exactly sure how to accomplish this and was wondering if you had any "safe" resources that we could possibly learn from, so to stay away from any nudity or pornographic images.Yeah, one of our supporters found an article at Women’s Health Magazine that’s safe.  Question 3 - Wife is into whippingMy wife told me she is into whipping, how and where can I learn what that exactly means/to do?So, this brings up a few questions.  Firstly, how does she know it’s something she’s into?  That would probably be my first question.After that, you should know that whipping,

33mins

20 Oct 2019

Rank #1

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SWM 044 – Anonymous Questions from February and March 2019

I realized a week or two ago that I completely forgot to post the responses to the question for February and March.  I think this was due to a mix of January having so many I had to split it into three posts, and then my sermon which took a lot of extra time.  So, while I had written responses quite a while ago, I never got around to recording a podcast, or posting them.So, here they are, a few months late.  Today I’m addressing the follow questions from our Have A Question page: * Is doggy style demeaning?* Does anal sex always cause bleeding?* How to start talking about sex with a sensitive wife?* Can you have sex with an unsaved spouse?* How to handle a wife orgasming too quickly* Mutual Masturbation* Swallowing your own semen* Can you be married to the wrong person?* Is sexlessness being unfaithful?* Ethical pornQuestion 1: Is doggy style demeaning?My wife and I have been married for 9 years. My wife refuses to have sex in the doggy style position. I think the position is really sexy and I would love to make it part of our love making, but she is adamant about not wanting to do anything with it. I tried talking to her about it and she said she thinks that doggy style is inherently sexist and demeaning towards women and she told me that she does not want to be objectified like that. I am not sure what I can do, but I would really like to change her mind.I completely understand wanting to explore new things, and I get it’s frustrating when the one person you can explore them with isn’t interested in that exploration.I’d suggest trying to find something else that she’s not quite so adamantly against.  It’s possible that when you explore some other things that aren’t so far outside of her comfort zone that she may open up to others.  My wife was dead-set against some things we do fairly regularly now.  But, it didn’t happen by me harping on those activities.  Rather, it was me accepting it and letting it go and trying something else that seemed to lead back around to them. The activities I bring up too often, well, they’re still on the shelf, and if I was a wiser man, I would leave them on the shelf for the next decade before trying to dust them off again.Something you can try is going through something like Our Sexploration List, which might help point out some activities you both find mutually interesting.Question 2: Does anal sex always cause bleeding?Someone recently told me that the reason anal sex is so risky for STD transmission is because the person receiving usually bleeds-- a little or a lot-- and that it's uncommon for there not to be some blood/injury to tissues. If this is true, and there is almost always some injury during anal sex, then I don't understand how a Christian marriage educator could recommend it as an acceptable activity, even in the context of Christian marriage. If injury often or usually results,

9 Jun 2019

Rank #2

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SWM 040 – What happens to our souls when we have sex?

Is there an interaction of souls when we have sex?  Is sex an act of worship to God, or Satan?  Should we pray during sex? These are all things that came up from a single question from our Have A Question page recently.Rather than lump it with all the other questions, I thought I’d spend some time digging into this, because I think these are issues that a lot of Christians are confused about.Here’s the question, and then I’ll dig into it:What do you think of the claim that when you have sex within marriage, it's an act of worship to God, but when you have sex outside of marriage, it's an act of worship to Satan? That either way, it's an act of worship to One or the other? (Just read this on another website.)Also, what's your belief about what's happening spiritually during sex? Obviously two bodies are becoming one flesh; scripture makes this pretty clear. What about souls? What about spirits? (My understanding is that the soul = the mind/personality and the spirit = the eternal part of every person. But some people use the terms soul and spirit interchangeably.) Are souls/spirits communing together during sex? Are souls/spirits mingling together during sex? Do souls/spirits become one for a time during sex, or is that even a biblical concept, since it says, "one flesh," and not, "one spirit/soul"? (It sounds kind of like Eastern philosophy.) And where is God in the midst of all this? Yes, it is a mystery, and I understand that marriage/intimacy is a picture of Christ's love for His church. But I wonder if my (and others') understanding could be more complete.Also, if both the husband and wife are believers, and we both have the mind (soul? Spirit?) of Christ (1 Cor. 2), and the Spirit of Christ [the Holy Spirit], is something different happening during sex between believers? For instance, communion with one another's spirit, facilitated by the Holy Spirit?Another somewhat related question-- should Christians pray during sex? Not before. Not after. During. (?) If a married couple is wanting to become as intimate as possible, and the two best things to do to increase intimacy are praying together and having sex together, then should these (routinely?) be combined? What about praise or worship during sex? I've heard of people singing the doxology right after orgasm. At first I thought this sounded a little unorthodox (actually I'll admit it sounded downright crazy). But this could just be because of my upbringing, and the idea's starting to grow on me. Thoughts? Anonymous readerSo, I see three main topics here:* Is sex an act of worship?* What are souls, and what happens to them when you have sex?* Should you pray during sex?Let’s get started.Is sex an act of worship?What do you think of the claim that when you have sex within marriage, it's an act of worship to God, but when you have sex outside of marriage, it's an act of worship to Satan? That either way, it's an act of worship to One or the other? (Just read this on another website.)Anonymous reader We kicked this around in our supporters forum, and many said the same thing:Everything we do is an act of worship.  We are either giving worship to God, or to Satan, knowingly or unknowingly.  I happen to agree with this.  That’s why I get very frustrated when people say doctrine doesn’t matter.  It matters, because in everything we do, we are either drawing closer to God, or away from Him.That said, I don’t think it’s as simple a distinction of “Sex inside marriage is worship of God and ...

7 Apr 2019

Rank #3

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SWM 047 – Spontaneous desire is a blessing

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a post on how responsive desire is actually a blessing, because I was getting so many emails from people lamenting the fact that either they or their spouse has responsive desire.It was extremely well received and I got a lot of emails from husbands and wives telling me how it’s helped them, either as one with responsive desire, or having a spouse with it.Then one asked me to write a reciprocal post about spontaneous desire.  In her case, she’s the one with spontaneous desire, and he has responsive desire.  This, unfortunately, has led to a lot of frustration for her in her marriage.  I don’t think this is an isolated incident.  In much the same way that responsive desire spouses can think that they're broken because they don’t want sex all the time, spontaneous desire spouses can start to feel like their desire for sex is a burden.  Likewise, those with responsive desire can sometimes feel that their spouse’s spontaneous desire is overwhelming. Sometimes they feel like their spouse always wants sex, or only wants them for sex. Sometimes they classify their spouses as sex addicts, and write their desire off as a pathology to be downplayed, ignored, mitigated or suppressed.  That it’s their job to hold back their spouse’s desires.Writers in the 1800s didn’t help this mentality.  Sadly, one of the founders of the denomination I’m in wrote this:Sexual excess will effectually destroy a love for devotional exercises, will take from the brain the substance needed to nourish the system, and will most effectively exhaust the vitality. No woman should aid her husband in this work of self-destruction. She will not do it if she is enlightened and has true love for him. The more the animal passions are indulged, the stronger do they become, and the more violent will be their clamors for indulgence. Let God-fearing men and women awake to their duty. Many professed Christians are suffering with paralysis of nerve and brain because of their intemperance in this direction. - Ellen White, Testimonies for the Church 2And this:It is not pure, holy love which leads the wife to gratify the animal propensities of her husband at the expense of health and life. If she possesses true love and wisdom, she will seek to divert his mind from the gratification of lustful passions to high and spiritual themes by dwelling upon interesting spiritual subjects. It may be necessary to humbly and affectionately urge, even at the risk of his displeasure, that she cannot debase her body by yielding to sexual excess. She should, in a tender, kind manner, remind him that God has the first and highest claim upon her entire being, and that she cannot disregard this claim, for she will be held accountable in the great day of God. - Ellen White, Adventist HomeAnd I know it’s not just in my denomination that this occurs.  It was a fashion of the day to believe that having sex lessened your “vital force”.  That is, the more sex you had, the shorter your life would be.Some 150 years later, this mindset still exists in much of the collective Christian subconscious leading many spouses to wonder what exactly is good about spontaneous desire?  What’s good about having it, and what’s good about having a spouse who has it?What’s good about having a spouse with spontaneous desire?Without them, sex might not happen outside of trying to conceiveThink about it.  Responsive desire spouses need someone to turn them on, to arouse them.

26 Sep 2019

Rank #4

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SWM 046 – Responsive desire is a blessing

I get two types of emails when it comes to the topic of responsive desire.  If you don’t know what responsive desire is, I suggest reading the responsive vs. spontaneous desire post first.  The first type of email comes from spouses (generally, but not always husbands) who are angry/frustrated/hurt/sad/etc. that the person they are married to never seems to be interested in sex.  From their perspective, when their spouse initiates it’s out of duty and/or pity. In short - “they’re not attracted to me”, which often gets translated into “they’re not in love with me”.The second type of email comes from spouses (generally, but not always wives) who feel inadequate/broken/confused about the fact that their spouse always wants to have sex, but they don’t themselves.  Usually they enjoy sex, when it happens, but on any given day, if you were to ask them “are you in the mood for sex”, the answer is almost always “no”.  Those with responsive desire, once they learn about responsive desire, are relieved that they aren’t broken.  That doesn’t mean everything is resolved immediately. Some are able to simply flip a switch and learn to be open to being aroused rather than waiting to be “in the mood”, and they go on to have happy fulfilling sex lives.  Others have a hard time adjusting. Even though they now know they’re not broken, just different, they still struggle with feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, etc.. The spouses on the other side face a similar split.  Some accept that their spouse isn’t broken, but that they just have to adjust, be okay with being the initiator and they go on to have happy, fulfilling sex lives.  Others have a hard time adjusting.Unfortunately, when either spouse has a hard time adjusting, it tends to either hold back the other spouse, or actually undo their progress.For example, if you have a spouse with responsive desire and you hold on to the belief that “I shouldn’t even initiate sex unless they want it”, even though you know they will never want it before you initiate, then you start to feel like you got the raw end of the deal in marriage.  They feel similar to someone learning to live with a spouse who has a disability.  They continue to go through the stages of grief about the death of what they assumed/expected their marriage to be.This tends to make those who have responsive desire feel like they’re disabled and broken as well.  Either these feelings start over, or they get reinforced, while they’re trying to break free of them.  These responsive desire people who were often excited to learn that they’re not broken, just different, start to question it, because their spouse is still moping about it.  They start to feel like maybe they are broken.  Maybe they’re just fooling themselves.  Ultimately, it can be their spouse’s lack of acceptance of them as different that makes them feel inferior, and actually holds them back from learning how to work with this dynamic.So, today, I want to tell both spouses about what’s good about responsive desire, whether you have it, or you have a spouse with it.  I want to share these things so that those who have it can see the benefits for themselves, and those who don’t can stop wallowing in pity about the short end of the stick they think they got.What’s good about having responsive desire?You aren’t constantly distracted by sexThose of us with spontaneous desire, particularly when we have higher sex drives (by that I mean the spontaneousness happe...

6 Sep 2019

Rank #5

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SWM 045 – Anonymous Questions from May and June 2019

I don’t know about everyone else, but this summer has been crazy for us.  I think we’ve been camping more weekends than we’ve been home.  In fact, as I record this, I’m sitting in my trailer at the Muskoka Bible Center where we’re camping this entire week.As such, I’m trying to catch up.  Believe it or not, I haven’t managed to answer questions from May or June yet.  So we’re going to do that today, and then I got quite a few in July, so I’m going to handle those separately.  The Muskoka Bible Center, where were staying, has a daily kids program for 2 hours, so I’m going to do my best to fit in a podcast recording session each day.  As well, because I’m in a trailer without my usual podcasting setup, please excuse the sound quality.So, today we’re tackling such questions as:* How important is communication during sex?* Is it wrong to not want your wife to lose weight?* Someone asks if they should have an affair* How do you find time to have sex when you have young children?* Does premature ejaculation affect your sex drive?* What do you do if your husband won’t quit masturbating alone?* Is it still considered crossdressing if it’s for comfort?* A question about male chastity or female-led relationships.* Should you suggest a boob job to your wife?* A question about language in the bedroom.So, today we’re answering questions from our Have A Question page. If you have your own question you’d like answered, you can ask them there.Question 1: How important is communication during sex?How important is communication during sex? During Penis in Vagina intercourse do you ask your wife whether she is satisfied and whether you can ejaculate. Do you tell her that you are close to ejaculation. Do you ask your spouse whether they are enjoying or enjoyed the sexual union. Do you ask your wife if she is ready for PIV. I usually ask my wife to guide my penis inside her vagina.I think the answer will change depending on the couple.  I also think the methods of communication change.  For example, I generally don’t need my wife to tell me that she’s either approaching, or has had, an orgasm.  Granted, sometimes they sneak up on me (sometimes they sneak up on her, too), but more or less, I can tell when she’s close and about to go over.  So, while she may not explicitly state that she’s about to orgasm, her body communicates this in a variety of ways.For some, verbal communication is distracting, for others uncomfortable. For those who find it uncomfortable, I’d suggest getting comfortable with it.  While you may choose not to communicate verbally (I think for a lot of couples, you’re leaving a massive foreplay/arousal tool on the shelf if you don’t), I’d say having the ability to communicate about sex is crucial.  As for the specific questions, that will depend on the couple.  I know for us, if I ask if she’s enjoying herself, that would be a bad move. It either will show that I’m not paying attention to her if I don’t know, or it will distract her by forcing her brain to switch into an analytical mode to assess whether she’s enjoying herself, which pulls her out of the actual enjoyment.So, yes, I think the ability to be able to communicate during sex is a need.  However, what that communication looks like from couple to couple will change, and it might change from session to session.Question 2: Don’t want my wife to lose weightIs this wrong of me? So I am one of those guys that likes plus size women and am happily...

19 Aug 2019

Rank #6

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SWM033 – Sermon – Sex: An uncomfortable topic we need to discuss

This is the audio recording of the sermon I preached in my home church about sex. You can get the full transcript on the website. Want more podcast episodes? Support us on Patreon and also get access to our supporter community.

43mins

20 Jun 2018

Rank #7

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SWM 037 – Anonymous Questions from January 2019 – Part 1

Well, here we are, another month nearly gone, and another pile of questions from our anonymous Have A Question page begging for answers.  In fact, I got so many in January, it took me nearly all month to write answers for them, and it’s going to take me a little longer to record podcast episodes, but I am working on it.  So, this is just Part 1 of the January responses.Before we get to those though, I want to mention a few things.The first is, I’ve changed some things around with respect to our support community.  Until recently, I’d been using Patreon to handle all monthly contributions.  Unfortunately, Patreon has gone and upset a fair number of people.  So, I’ve changed our Support Us page to include a strictly PayPal option - for those who would prefer not to be involved with Patreon.I’ve also added some more information there regarding the benefits of helping us with our ministry, and our first goal that we’re trying to achieve.  Actually, we’re only $5/month short of our $350/month goal of meeting the monthly bills for the blog.  Yep, it takes about $350/month to keep all this running.  A huge thanks to all our supporters who continue to help pay for those bills.So, another $5, and we’ll hit our goal, and I’ll commit to at least monthly podcast episodes.Also, we have a new survey up.  If you haven’t filled it out, please do so here.Lastly, I’ve got a toll-free number!  I thought it would be neat if people could leave voicemails of questions and I could include them in the podcast.  That way you can listen to some other people’s lovely voices and not just mine all the time.  So, if you have a question and would rather speak it than write it, call 1-833-719-0228.  You can also just leave me a voicemail there too, even if it’s not a question.If you’re in the US, you can also text that number and I’ll get it.  Doesn’t work outside of the US unfortunately.  Not quite sure why… I can’t even text my own number here in Canada.  I’m hoping they’ll open that up at some point in the future.Anyways, those are all the announcements.  On to the questionsQuestion 1: Should single people be reading my blog?I am a single 19 year old and am committed to saving sex for marriage. I find your posts very informative and am interested in learning more about sex from a christian perspective. My question is, is it wrong be seeking this kind of information when marriage isn't in the picture just yet? Is it good that I'm wanting to gain a better perspective on sex or should I be waiting to do that a little further down the road?This is a question that’s coming up more than more.  The truth is, I have quite a few single readers.  There are over 60 on my mailing list who admit to being single.  I suspect more who think if they actually let me know, I’d unsubscribe them or filter what they can see somehow.I think that certain posts on my blog, like how to do specific sexual activities, or how to keep things in the bedroom interesting,

1 Mar 2019

Rank #8

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SWM041 – How do you stay interested long term?

How do you keep interest in your spouse through a long term relationship? Are there things you have to do to stay interested? This question came in through our anonymous Have A Question page and I thought I'd answer it in a separate post as I think many people have similar struggles.How do you stay interested in your spouse long term? I’m 28 and my wife is 25 and we've been married 3 years and have a couple kids, and its just really hard to get excited physically about sex. We're both a little overweight. Its not my drive though, when I'm at the office every female that walks by sends my drive into orbit. Is this normal or is there something you have to do to be happily married forever?Is this normal?  Unfortunately, yes, fairly normal.  Is it okay?  No.That’s the problem with asking what’s “normal” in a predominantly non-Christian and sinful world.So, first off, as someone in our supporters’ forum said, there’s a big difference between the biblical concept of love and what our society says love is.Our society says love is a feeling, that feelings can’t be controlled, and that you ultimately have to “follow your heart”.  In other words: you are controlled by your emotions, which you can’t change.The Biblical concept of love is completely different.  We are to master our emotions, use them to guide, but not control us.  We are to control them.  As well, love is not an emotion, but a choice.  We choose to love, who to love, and how we love them.  Most marriage vows include the promise to love.  So, we don’t have to be slaves to our emotions or attractions.  We can choose to love and who to love.  And when that happens, you find that physical appearance has very little to do with sexual attraction. It doesn’t matter that you both are a little overweight.  This survey I did showed that about 96% of husbands and 93% of wives said they’re as attracted to or more attracted to their spouse now as when they first met.  That ranges from marriages that are weeks old to marriages that are half a century old, ones that had medical issues and some that didn’t.  Some had children, some didn’t.  It didn’t make much of a difference.  The difference:  The choice to love.  Those that choose not to love don’t tend to stay married, or they live our their marriage in a sort of living hell.  So, what do you do.  I found this quote recently while writing a sermon that I preached a few weeks ago in my home church:I have received a letter from your husband. I would say that there is only one thing for which a husband may lawfully separate from his wife or a wife from her husband, and that is adultery. If your dispositions are not congenial, would it not be for the glory of God for you to change these dispositions? A husband and wife should cultivate respect and affection for each other. They should guard the spirit, the words, and the actions so that nothing will be said or done to irritate or annoy. Each is to have a care for the other, doing all in their power to strengthen their mutual affection. I tell you both to seek the Lord. In love and kindness do your duty one to the other. The husband should cultivate industrious habits, doing his best to support his family. This will lead his wife to have respect for him.Ellen White, The Adventist Home,

14 Apr 2019

Rank #9

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SWM 049 – Focus on your spouse, not the model

After writing the posts on the blessings of responsive and spontaneous desire, I felt that there was still something left to say on the topic.  So, in true philosophical fashion, this post will appear to undo and undermine everything in the previous two while simultaneously trying to actually underpin it.Because ultimately it doesn’t matter what type of desire you experience - responsive or spontaneous.  Those ideas are just concepts - a model to try and help explain or guide, when needed. They are sort of like a map, but like all maps, at some point, they become more hindrance than help.Maps don’t show all the detailsMaps tend to be very good at showing boundaries.  This is either a road, or it isn’t. There is water, or there isn’t.  But, it doesn’t do a good job of showing blended boundaries. Like a shoreline, where the water level can shift, whether the road has wide shoulders or a ditch running beside it. And similarly, while we’ve been sort of bucketing people into either responsive or spontaneous, the truth is, many people experience both.Almost everyone has the capacity to experience both responsive and spontaneous desire.However, those with spontaneous desire who also have strong or higher sex drives often never get to experience that part of their nature.  Likewise those with responsive desire who also have weak or low sex drives never get to experience what it feels like to have spontaneous desire.This is a dynamic that happens a lot in my marriage.  Because I desire sex so often, unless something is going on in our life that is completely disruptive to the point that sex is not an option for at least a week, it’s unlikely my wife will ever get to the point where she spontaneously desires sex.And even if she does, she’s so unused to initiating at times like that that she feels uncomfortable asking for what she wants.  She feels selfish asking for her desire to be met in the rare cases that she spontaneously feels it.The point is, people tend to not be 100% responsive or spontaneous.  It’s just that their circumstances sometimes only allow them to experience one or the other.If your spouse has no interest in sex, or is too shy to initiate, or feels sex is shameful, dirty or a necessary evil, then it’s quite likely you’ll never get to experience responsive desire with them until that root issue is resolved.Likewise if your spouse wants sex every night and makes that clear, there’s a good chance you’re never going to experience what it feels like to suddenly want sex.  It’s like never feeling what it’s like to be starving when you eat three meals a day, every day.  And it’s fairly common for people with higher desire to get tired of always initiating.  Sometimes they get it into their heads that they’re just going to stop until their spouse initiates.  Unfortunately, they often do this with no communication, or with bad communication.  This tends to end in a few fairly predictable ways:* Their spouse thinks they’re no longer interested in sex, and so even if they feel desire, they don’t initiate.* Their spouse feels like they’re being controlled, and so even if they feel desire, they don’t initiate.* They get grumpy, let their frustration and impatience show, and so even if their spouse feels desire, they don’t initiate, because the relationship doesn’t feel safe.In short, they shoot themselves in the foot.  If you are going to try and do something like this,

10 Nov 2019

Rank #10

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SWM 043 – Anonymous Questions from April 2019

Today we’re going to be answering a bunch of reader’s questions from last month from our anonymous Have A Question page.  I’ve been doing my best to keep up with my promise of doing a podcast every month our supporters managed to hit our first support goal.  It’s been a little difficult this month as we’ve been trying to reconfigure our lives a bit to get more exercise in.  My wife is training for an 13km Spartan obstacle course race in August and I’ve been trying to train with her to help her keep going.  It's nice to have a shared hobby to work on, and I actually managed to run for 20 minutes the other day, without stopping, which I’m pretty proud of.But, I have to start scheduling time for podcast recording as we’re actually closing in on the next support goal, which will mean weekly podcast episodes.  It will also mean tackling more than just reader’s questions.  If you’re interested in more frequent episodes, check our our support page at uncoveringintimacy.com/donate.  As well, our supports get to discuss the questions as they come in, and their thoughts often make it into the podcast and posts.With that out of the way, let’s get on to the questions.Question 1 I am wondering if I should be concerned if my wife is looking up ex boyfriends online/Facebook? One is no longer alive. I saw it on the family computer so it wasn’t hidden and I wasn’t snooping. I am not sure how to feel about it, but I don’t feel very good. ThanksI think if you don’t feel good about it, it might be worth a discussion.  I don’t think she’s done anything wrong simply by looking someone up, but your feelings about it should probably be explored and discussed.If you don’t discuss it, then you run the danger of continuing to wonder, worry and perhaps even suspect wrongdoing where there may be nothing.But if you do have an open, honest and non-confrontational discussion about it, then you can share how you feel, be either reassured that there’s nothing to be worried about, or if there is some temptation there, talking about it can help head it off.  Question 2My wife was a swinger and had very many casual anonymous partners before we were married. She got saved and is fully forgiven of her past, but I sometimes wonder what side effects this has on our marriage that I don't fully understand.Unfortunately, our past sins often have repercussions beyond our conviction, repentance and forgiveness.  For some, we find that having a promiscuous past can have a negative impact on their view of sex.  Some husbands find this to be very frustrating as they know other people have experienced a freer, uninhibited version of their wife, but by the time they got married, in correcting their view of sex their wife perhaps overcorrected a bit and now has trouble opening up to them.  Of course, this applies to the reverse gender case as well.  It’s just really hard to write that as a gender neutral sentence.From the other side, there may be guilt or shame attached to the past, and attached to the act of sex itself, even when it’s now performed in the proper context.  This guilt or shame can manifest in a variety of ways.For others, they embrace their forgiven nature and manage to move forward with little to no impact.  So, in short, I can’t guess at what sort of impact this history has on your marriage, but I do think it’s wise to recognize that it’s a distinct possibility that there is an impact.  Being aware of the possibility and choosing to...

38mins

26 May 2019

Rank #11

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SWM 039 – Anonymous Questions from January 2019 – Part 3

This is the third and final part of our January anonymous questions from our Have A Question page.  I meant to get this out sooner, but I was asked to preach in my home church last week, and it takes me a couple of weeks to prepare a sermon.  I hope to have it up on the podcast soon as I was discussing Jesus’ answer to the question “Can I divorce my wife for any (and every) reason?” (Matthew 19:1-2).If you heard the previous two parts of these questions, I was trying to sort the questions by topic.  Today we’re tackling some questions about sex drive and then a bunch that didn’t fit into any nice categories.So, on with the questions.Question 19: Sex drive and pregnancyA little over a year ago I became pregnant, and by the end of the pregnancy I'd gone from having almost no sex drive (birth control pills had killed it previously) to being very high drive. In fact it was OCD high-- 2-3 times per day high-- WAY higher than my husband's. Before that I would have been happy with having sex about 1-2 times a month. My husband and I attributed this change to the extra testosterone in my system (it was a boy baby). However it was our second son (fourth pregnancy) and nothing like this had happened when I became pregnant with our first son (eight years before--right after I'd quit using birth control pills). Well now that I'm five months postpartum, I'm wondering if the change might be permanent, because there's been almost no decrease at all in my drive since having our baby. Fortunately my husband has been super understanding and tries the best he can to keep up, but for me it's frustrating feeling like having sex so ridiculously often! It has given me a glimpse of what my husband must have gone through when I was gatekeeping early on in our marriage. So I guess my questions are, first, have you ever heard of anything like this?? Do you think it was the pregnancy that caused it, and any thoughts on whether it might have permanently "reset" my hormones? I mean, it's fun having sex more often, but sometimes the best sex is after waiting a few… days, not hours… if you know what I mean??? Also it takes a lot of time to have sex so often, and with a new baby we're sacrificing sleep for more sex. All that said, I will say that through this experience, God has answered every prayer I ever said for our marriage and then some! It has in many ways been like a second honeymoon for us. We went from having a difficult marriage with lots of unhealthy conflict to a marriage where we honor, respect and serve one another. Any conflict is a healthy discussion now, and if it does get heated at all it's just for a moment until we realize what's happening. We've even started praying together about our sex life. Never, ever in a million years did I think that that would happen! We're also reading every book on marriage we can get our hands on. I feel like we're living proof that God really can use a vibrant sex life to totally transform a marriage. Anyway, glad to have come across your blog, thanks for any wisdom you can share!First off, every pregnancy is different, even so much that some pregnancies are the same, if that makes any sense (I mean, if they’re all different, sometimes the difference must be that they’re the same, right?).So, yes, I’ve definitely heard of women’s sex drives changing during and after pregnancy.  Some go up in the first term, some second, some third, some go down during different ones, some drop at the end, some jump at the end, some stay up, or stay down, or reverse.  It’s all over the map and there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it.  The short and simple answer is: hormones change drastically and that can have unpredictable effects.

31 Mar 2019

Rank #12

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SWM035 – Anonymous Questions from December 2018

It’s been a busy couple of months for our Have A Question page, so I thought I’d get some of these answers out so they don’t pile up too much.  If you have a question you’d like answered anonymously, you can ask it there, or just email me at jay@uncoveringintimacy.com (which I prefer) so we can actually get a discussion going and some more context. And as always, our supporters group has been discussing these questions as they come in, so I’m leveraging some of their thoughts.  If you’d like to be part of the discussion, check out our Patreon page. Question 1 - ED due to medical problems What if your husband has medical problems and cannot get an erection? So, not a lot of context here.  We don’t know what the medical problem is.  We don’t know what she’s asking permission for.  So, it’s hard to give an answer that will address the actual question. Nevertheless, I have some thoughts: * Depending on the medical condition, talk to your doctor about the ED.  Sometimes you can change medications or treatments in order to reduce sexual side-effects. * You can have a wonderful, fulfilling sex-life without an erection.  It takes a bit more openness, and some adaptability, but there are many other options.  Mutual masturbation is a good starter, because you can actually have an orgasm without an erection, or less of an erection than you need for sex. * Whatever you do, I’d work at finding activities that boost intimacy between the two of you. That’s about all I can offer given the limited question. Question 2 - Husband in erotic chatrooms I'm deeply hurt and don't know what to do. My husband and I have only been married for 8 months. We dated for 3 years and have been best friends for around 15 years. I've uncovered an ugly secret of his and I feel as if the man I thought I knew, doesn't even exist. Four months ago he started acting different when it came to sex. He only wanted to have sex at night with me and even though I told him that I would like to during the day time, or in the morning once in a while, he never initiated anything. So, I started coming on to him several different times randomly in the day and morning and every single time he turned me down with some kind of excuse. Then he starts having trouble keeping an erection when were having sex (at night). Now he has no problem finishing when I'm giving him a hand-job or blow-job. It's only vaginally that he finishes 1 out of 4 times. He says he doesn't know what's going on and says he'll see the doctor in January when his insurance kicks in. I asked him if he has been masturbating a lot lately or watching a lot of porn and he got extremely defensive and angry that I would even ask that because, "He doesn't do that!" He says he used to but not anymore. First let me tell you that I know he loves me without a doubt. Besides this issue along with the continuous lying, he treats me better than I could ask for. But this issue has become a really big problem for me. I started thinking I was hearing him whispering to himself when he was in the bathroom for a long time and then he would come out of the bathroom out of breath, which he still does. And, I'll be getting ready for work and I swear I hear him on the other side of the wall laying in bed whispering, [redacted sexual commands], etc. So, I decided to buy a digital recorder and leave it in the bedroom while I was at work and I heard exactly what I thought I would. My husband masturbating for hours, I'm assuming with either porn, or chatrooms or something. I was crushed… I still am.

15 Jan 2019

Rank #13

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SWM036 – Sexy Memory Foreplay Game

This is just a quick announcement to let you know about our new resource: our Sexy Memory Foreplay Game.Did you ever play the game "memory" or "concentration" as a child or maybe with your children? Or maybe you new it by another name. You put cards or tiles face down on the table and took turns turning them over, trying to find matches.For this Valentine's Day we decided to make an adult version of this game to play with your spouse that can also be used as foreplay.We created a printable where you can choose the cards you want to play with, and each card has a sexual activity on it. So, as you turn over cards and find matches, you get to do, or have done to you, different acts designed to turn you on and move you both into a more aroused state. Simultaneously winding you up, but also prolonging the sexual experience.We've added a mix of tame activities, like massages and removing layers of clothing, to more ... adventurous activities like spanking. Of course, you are free to discard any activities you aren't prepared to participate in. There are 60 to choose from, including splits for gender in case one spouse is okay with a certain act being performed on them, but aren't yet ready to perform it themselves (like oral sex for example).At the end of the game, the winner gets to choose their winning from a set of position cards which ChristianFriendlySexPositions.com generously donated the illustrations for.So, if you're looking for something to spice up your bedroom fun, check out our Sexy Memory printable.P.S. If you're one of our monthly supporters in the $5/month or more tier, check your email, because you've already received a coupon code to download it free. If you aren't, but are considering it, now's the time to join as anyone who joins this month (February 2019) will receive it as our thanks.

12 Feb 2019

Rank #14

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SWM 038 – Anonymous Questions January 2019 – Part 2

Alright, this is part 2 of our anonymous questions from January 2019. For those who are new to the podcast, we have a page titled Have A Question. We received so many questions in January that I had to split the answers up into multiple podcasts. So this is part 2 of 3.I’ve been trying to group the questions together to make it a little easier.  This episode I’m tackling all the questions about anal sex (for some reason we get a lot of them), as well as some orgasm questions.I also wanted to give a quick shout out to our supporters who helped push us over our first support goal.  Thanks to you, our monthly expenses for the blog, podcast and everything else related to this ministry!As a result, I’m committing to at least a podcast a month, as I said I would if we hit that goal.  So far, I’m managing to keep that up this year, though we’re only in the third month.For those who would like to support us and gain access to our private forum, you can check out our support page here for more info.  For those who aren’t, say a silent thanks for those who help keep us going for your benefit.  Here’s what one of them shared recently:Your blog has helped my husband and I immensely in just the last couple of months. We’ve been exploring more, gotten better at communication and understanding, and been having sex a lot more often :).The culture in our North American churches and Christian families is often so harmful when it comes to the topic of sex. We don’t usually talk about it and the impression is given that sex is bad and shouldn’t be talked about. I personally grew up with so much shame about my sexuality.You are doing such good work - talking about the things so many don’t want to talk about and providing a safe place to ask the questions people are afraid and ashamed to ask. This ministry needs our support, and I am so happy that we can help.With that said, on to the questions!Question 8: Is hetero anal sex new?I'm open to trying anal sex, if it's not specifically forbidden in the Bible for heterosexual married couples. However, my husband is very opposed to it. So really there's no problem, I'm totally happy to not try it, but it bothers me that I'm not really sure whether it's sinful or not. My husband says that it's so obviously depraved that it wasn't widely practiced among heterosexual couples until very recently, when homosexuality became en vogue, and that's why the Bible doesn't specifically forbid it for heterosexual couples, but only for homosexual couples. Do you have any evidence to the contrary?Yes, actually there’s quite a bit of evidence to the contrary.One example is clay pots the Moche people in Peru made during the years 100 AD and 800 AD.  Researchers found some 10,000 clay pots, of which 500 depict sexual acts.  What they were surprised by was that the majority of those depicted anal sex.  It caused a bit of a stir in the archaeology community.  One theory for the amount of anal sex in their culture, drawn from the art, was the belief that semen ejaculated into the rectum somehow produced more milk in breastfeeding mothers.As well, Greek culture is well known for hetreosexual anal sex.  It’s depicted in a lot of their art.  While people tend to think that the Greeks were usually only having anal sex with young boys, their cultural stance on genders makes that a little difficult to believe.  Receiving anal sex was considering feminizing, and the Greeks didn’t have a respect for women.

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12 Mar 2019

Rank #15

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SWM042 – God will never leave you

This is a sermon I wrote and preached in my home church in March 2019.  Since it deals with the topic of marriage and relationships I thought I’d shared it on the blog, podcast, YouTube and wherever else.  Plus, those in our supporters group who read the first draft really liked it, so that was encouraging.The direction from my pastor was to preach from the life of Christ, something that tells us about God’s love.  It was to fit into a sermon series he was part-way through.So, in order to teach you about God’s love, I’m going to talk about divorce.  Why? Apparently because few others want to, and apparently that’s my role - to talk about things everyone would rather leave well enough alone.How can divorce show us God’s love?  Those two things don’t really go together, do they?  Well, I’ll tell you.Let’s start by reading the account in the Bible.  We can find this in two places in the gospels: Mark 10:1-12 and Matthew 19:1-11.  I’m going to deal with the Matthew account as it gives a bit more detail.Scripture ReadingNow when Jesus had finished these sayings [he was just answering the question about how often you should forgive someone], he went away from Galilee and entered the region of Judea beyond the Jordan. And large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.  And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” The disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” But he said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.”Matthew 19:1-12Introduction & ContextJesus was making his way back to Jerusalem, surrounded by people who he was healing, and along comes the Pharisees.  As was often their plan, they came to trap him with a question. After the healing at the pool of Bethesda, which we heard about a couple of weeks ago, the rabbis, including the Pharisees, had been plotting Jesus’ death.  Of course, they weren’t at the point that they were willing to kill him directly yet, so they looked for ways to set large groups of people against him, or possibly get him in trouble with the Romans.Potential Plan #1 - The Romans As I was researching this, I found what is probably the most confusing wikipedia page in existence.  Here’s what wikipedia has on Herodias, the wife of Herod:So, Herodias, not to be confused with Herodas, was a princess of the Herodian dynasty.  She was the daughter of Aristobulus IV and his wife Berenice. She was the sister of Herod V,

21 Apr 2019

Rank #16

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SWM034 – Limited Time offer – Intimacy Advent Calendar

This is just a quick podcast episode to let my listeners know about our Intimacy Advent Calendar currently for sale in our shop. You remember having advent calendars as a kid? Every day you get a chocolate, or a toy or something. For nearly a whole month, every day there was something exciting to look forward to the next day. Holidays don’t exactly feel that way for us adults anymore do they? Well, I wanted to try and recapture that feeling. At the same time, I know many couples struggle to maintain intimacy during the holidays. Not just physical intimacy (but that too), but it’s also a high-point for arguments and blow-outs. So, I wanted to make something that encouraged us to draw together during this season. So, I put together an Advent Calendar for couples. It took me a while to figure out how to manage things like visitations, big dinners, people’s differing boundaries and comfort levels around certain sexual activities, travel, and even periods. But, I think I found a fairly elegant solution. Check out the product here for more info On December 2nd, we’ll be removing this product until next year. Hurry, time is running out!

30 Nov 2018

Rank #17

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SWM 056 – How To Feel Connected During Sex

What does it mean to feel “connected” during sex. For many spouses, when their husband or wife says “I don’t feel connected during sex”, they get quite confused. They’re thinking “I am literally inside of you/you are literally inside of me, how can we be MORE connected?!”But of course, they’re not talking about a physical connection, but rather an emotional, mental or spiritual connection.And unfortunately, I don’t think that’s a problem that is actually solvable as is. I don’t think there’s any such thing as an emotional, mental or spiritual connection.  I think we made those things up to express how we feel.  But, I don’t think they actually exist.  Rather, I think we should be looking at what’s behind those feelings to try and solve the problem of not feeling “connected”.What is Spiritual Connection?Let’s start by taking a step back and not talking about sex for a moment.  Let’s talk about church.  If you talk to people after a church service about their experience, it’s amazing the responses you’ll get.  In the same sermon, you can have one person who “really felt the LORDs presence” and another who felt “God wasn’t here today”.  One will say the sermon was directly from God and another will say it lacked God’s inspiration.  Some will say the music was heavenly, and others will say the music was too much like a concert (or an elevator).  Some that the prayers were heartfelt and powerful, others that the prayers were long and boring.How can people who all listened to the same thing, in the same room at the same time have so many different opinions about the service and its connection to God?And the simple answer can be found in scripture:Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9For I the Lord do not change;Malachi 3:6aGod is always there, and God is unchanging.  He was in the room during that service and all the other services.  He’s with you in the auditorium, He’s with you in the hallway, in the parking lot, the bathroom and the bedroom.  God is always there.  Always focused 100% on you, always loving, always caring, always calling you hoping for your attention.What then is what people call “spiritual connection”?  Some people think that we have this tenuous “thing” called a soul, and that somehow that soul connects to God on some spiritual level.  However, I don’t think the Bible teaches that.  I think the Bible is clear that we don’t have a soul - we are a soul.  There’s nothing magical about what people call a spiritual connection.  Rather, I think it’s simply that our expectations of what a connection should be like is being met.For some, they feel connected when the sermon is passionate, exciting, when the pastor is yelling, has this cadence to his voice, is stomping around the stage, thumping his Bible.  They hear that sermon, and they feel connected.  For others, they like a sermon that’s quiet, contemplative, thought provoking.  One that has pauses to give you a chance to reflect.  It lets out some new tidbits of knowledge that give context and understanding to your walk with God.  They hear that and feel connected.But you’ll likely never have these two people feeling connected about the same sermon.

1 Jun 2020

Rank #18

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SWM 055 – Anonymous Questions from March 2020

Well, here we are with another installment of our anonymous questions from our Have A Question page.  Thanks to all our supporters who weighed in on these questions in our private forum.  If you’d like to see the questions as they come in and join the discussion, consider supporting this ministry.  Actually, we just hit our next support goal, which means, we’re going to try and ramp up to weekly podcast episodes.  That’s going to take some adjustment on my end, but that’s the goal.  With that said, let’s dig into the questions from March.Question 1Is fingering and penetration of a finger in the vagina through clothes fornication?Yes, any sexual act between unmarried people is fornication.  I’m not sure what else to say about that one.Question 2We are an older couple & after a major operation I now have ED problems so after much thought & talks with my wife we are thinking of living out one of my wifes fantasies [of having sex with multiple well-endowned men at once]. Is this wrong of us & if we do this how should we go about it?So, first off, adultery is adultery.  Yes, that’s wrong.  It always has been, always will be.  Even if you have permission, it’s wrong.  And yes, threesomes and more-somes are wrong as well.Sex is designed to be shared within a loving, monogamous couple who have chosen to be together for life.  Anything outside of that will damage you, and your relationships (current and future), and your relationship with God.Now, my guess would be that this fantasy is coming from porn use, and that’s what’s driving this desire, mixed with trying to deal with grieving the ED issues in your marriage.So, I’d say stop watching porn, learn other ways to pleasure each other, and focus on your relationship, not other people.Question 3Weekend nights my husband usually drinks. Not enough to lose control but enough to make him very slow.  So, if he wants to get intimate with me, I already know the routine. It takes me a while to get him ready and then he falls asleep on top of me!! It upsets me since we don’t get much during the week. I’m always satisfying myself.  I feel terrible to say anything, but I feel used. It is about him and that is it. I love him so much  and don’t want to hurt his feelings. It feels terrible that he can’t finish without taking a nap in between.Now, I’m admittedly a bit biased here.  We don’t drink for a few reasons:* 1 Peter 5:8-9 tell us that as Christians we are to be sober-minded* Alcohol is bad for your health, and all the toted benefits of a glass of wine can also be achieved with a glass of grape juice.* We have 5 kids and 2 adults living off of one income and alcohol is not something worth spending money on.So, keep my views in mind while I answer this, because that’s the context I’m working from.  Of course, you decide for yourself what your convictions are.Irregardless of all my reasons though, I think it’s perfectly acceptable for you to say something along the lines of:“I love having sex with you, and I think you like having sex with me.  I also believe you want sex to be good for both of us, and, when you drink,

21 May 2020

Rank #19

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SWM 054 – Anonymous Questions – February 2020

If you’re new here, I try to monthly answer questions from our anonymous Have A Question page  As I have no way to contact these people, there’s no context other than what they give, and I can’t ask any follow up questions.  So, we do our best to answer with what we have.These are the questions we received in February.Question 1: What  can I do to become more comfortable with masturbating?What  can I do to become more comfortable with masturbating? My husband is gone, so finding a person that can help me become more comfortable is out of the question.  I just don't like doing it. There isn't really any kind of interest in it.  It takes A LOT to get me turned on to even start and it is almost impossible to be able to orgasm at all. What can I do? I try porn, I try reading sex letters from my husband, why is it so hard to orgasm? I'm not fully comfortable with myself. Never have been and I can't stop from being that way either. Because in my eyes my body is disgusting in some parts so I find myself undesirable. Even if someone tells me otherwise because people lie every day. This isn’t the answer you’re going to want, but I’m going to give it anyways.  I don’t think you should get more comfortable masturbating alone.  Personally, I believe that God made sex to be shared in a committed, life-long relationship, that it should be a shared experience, each and everytime, with that person.Of course, when that person dies, that leaves an ache, of course.  It’s felt emotionally as well as physically for some.Yet, I still believe that the counsel of “sex is for marriage” persists.  In fact ,there is a passage in 1 Timothy 5 that I would say suggests that if you are a widow and still have these passions, you should seek out a new husband.  And while much of Christianity doesn’t like the idea of getting married to have sex, the fact it’s biblical.  Both in that 1 Timothy 5 passage as well as in 1 Corinthians 7:9 which says that it is better to marry than to burn with passion.So, that’s the first part - if you feel physical desire, then the same advice goes for you as for a virgin girl - wait for marriage, that’s where it’s designed to be shared.As for not being comfortable with your body, that’s another matter - that doesn’t necessarily need to wait until marriage.  It’s true that having a husband who will compliment you and show you how much he loves your body would help, but you can also do some things on your own.One would be to be naked more often.  The more often you see yourself naked, the more often you are naked, the more comfortable you will be being naked.Secondly, you can look at yourself in the mirror, every day, without clothes on, and find something you like.  Whether it’s your smile, your shoulders, your calves, breasts, butt, hips, or elbows.  Find something and compliment yourself.  Next day, find something else, or the same thing until you believe it.Lastly, you can work on your health - people who are healthy tend to feel healthy.  Get out, go for walks, get some exercise, work on yourself.  Get fit and healthy and see if that helps improve your view of your body.Question 2: Why wouldn’t he use lube?Why would a husband push a swollen erection up his wife's anus using no lube?I can only think of two reasons:* He’s ignorant about how it feels - either because he doesn’t understand how the ...

26 Apr 2020

Rank #20