Ranked #1
My Dog is Dead, Long Live My Dog
My Dog is Dead, Long Live My Dog
The first time I saw Carl was in his fourth week of life, a tiny English Bulldog with paws the size of caramels and a he... Read more
29 Dec 2015
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Ranked #2
I Will Let The Alamo Drafthouse Get Me Pregnant
I Will Let The Alamo Drafthouse Get Me Pregnant
People, other humans, they’ve damn near ruined everything. Fox hunting, hard narcotics for a head cold, and the Ecto Coo... Read more
10 Jun 2013
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9mins
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Ranked #3
Felt Better for Three Minutes, Then I Got Even Prettier
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Hello again, savages, Mikayla here. Matthew’s been busy getting ready for the second Tincture book to begin (June 3rd – ... Read more
29 Apr 2013
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Ranked #4
Email Is Fodder for Corporate Anarchy
Email Is Fodder for Corporate Anarchy
An email loaded with amorphous detail rings out in the morning, and by the afternoon, we will taste human flesh for the ... Read more
18 Mar 2013
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7mins
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Matthew Norman thrust his bulk upon the device, and with a hot breath into its data port, he de-virginized my Kindle. Le... Read more
4 Feb 2013
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And Our Lust Continued: The Super Nintendo Christmas
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I had known it for years, but Christmas morning in 1993 cemented my presumptions: my parents were terrible liars. I beli... Read more
24 Dec 2012
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The Joe Rogan Parade Float: Icky Sticky in the Mile High
The Joe Rogan Parade Float: Icky Sticky in the Mile High
They’ve made it legal out here in the Rockies to commune with the skunk, every one of us now buckling into the hand-bask... Read more
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Ranked #8
Halloween Is Dangerous, and We Should All Be Afraid of Everything
Halloween Is Dangerous, and We Should All Be Afraid of Everything
I held out my pillow case, and the old woman gripping a bag of “popcorn balls” demanded that I “show her a trick,” so I ... Read more
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“Tincture” Has Moved, But Loves You And Isn’t Trying To Replace Your Real Dad
Salutations cadre, this is Mikayla, Matthew’s wife, and I’m addressing you savages so it sounds more important the next ... Read more
22 Oct 2012
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Ranked #10
The Red Baron and His Demonstrable Pizza-Related Betrayal
The Red Baron and His Demonstrable Pizza-Related Betrayal
I’d asked the young man behind the automated scanning machine to repeat himself, and this was merely an effort to preven... Read more
3 Sep 2012
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12mins
