Rank #1: Episode 31 - Part 1 : Life - surviving and struggling to survive
Episode 31 - Part 1 : Life - surviving and struggling to survive
Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. CohenFrom the Free Music ArchiveReleased under a Creative Commons Attribution International License
- Book called The Beethoven Factor by Paul Pearsall, Ph.D., a clinical neuropsychologist. Pearsall wrote about being inspired to creativity through adversity, and he believes that we can become resilient and transformed by difficulty.
- When faced with adversity, once you pass the survival phase, you move into the thriving phase, which pushes you towards the next level of growth and transformation, and ultimately to a sense of empowerment. This process is often seen amongst cancer survivors or those faced with situations such as PTSD. Pearsall wisely states, “Thrivers share their experiences not from the perspective of “Look what I did” but from the orientation of “Don’t worry. Look at what you can do.”
- We cannot underestimate the importance of surrounding ourselves with positive thinkers and good relationships, living in a thriving environment, embracing each day, and working on yourself by understanding what brings you joy, what makes your heart sing, and what emotional triggers set you down a negative or unhealthy path.
- We must walk through the doors of both positive and negative experiences without letting negative experiences overpower us. Instead, they should empower us.
- Remember that there is always someone in worse pain; accept that pain is temporary and will pass. She also reminds us that kindness to others can make you feel better in the course of our struggles, or when we are overwhelmed by life’s challenges.
Hemingway says, “We become stronger at the broken places.”
- How do you deal with setbacks?
“When you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.” - Dr. Seuss
The Different Types of Obstacles We Face- Although setbacks, roadblocks, and defeats are all obstacles standing between where you are now and where you want to be, each one represents a different “level” of challenge.
Setbacks are usually relatively minor, “hiccups” really in that they don’t actually stop you. They’re more like a speed bump…they simply slow you down.
Roadblocks are obstacles that do a little bit more than just slow you down. Again, you can bounce back from these types of issues, but it’s going to take some time
Defeats are the mothers of all setbacks and roadblocks…the life-changers that can force you to do a complete 180 °
These are TKOs…total knockouts! Not only are you on your back, but you are down for the count!
The good news is, no matter which one you face—a setback, roadblock, or a defeat—you don’t have to raise your hand and surrender.
"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival." -C. S. Lewis
- When face-to-face with a career-related obstacle, some of people cast blame. They point to all of the reasons or all of the circumstances that “put” them where they are. Another “normal” response to a setback, roadblock, or defeat is anger…like you’ve just been unjustly convicted of a crime you didn’t commit.
While it’s understandable to feel frustrated, sad, angry, and scared when dealing with a career- related obstacle, these types of “normal” responses present an issue because one of these negative reactions, feelings or responses will help you get wherever it is you want to go.
- Setbacks Happen to Everyone (Even Really Successful People)Every successful person, the ones we tend to look to for inspiration in our own lives, has faced their fair share of setbacks before, during and after achieving something great. The larger mob of society will never experience true success.
Why? Because this majority is unwilling to become the CEO of their life?-?they'd rather someone else call the shots.
Living an Extraordinary Life Means Giving Up a Normal One"If you want to live an exceptional and extraordinary life, you have to give up many of the things that are part of a normal one." -Srinivas Rao
Sep 27 2018
Rank #2: Episode 36: Part 1 - Procrastination: Time and tide waits for no one
Episode 36: Part 1 - Procrastination: Time and tide waits for no one
Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. CohenFrom the Free Music ArchiveReleased under a Creative Commons Attribution International License
- From time to time, everybody leaves a task lingering on their to-do list for a few hours — or days, or weeks — too long. Procrastination is a normal, near-universal phenomenon — which makes it all the more important to understand why it strikes and what to do about it. “Procrastination is not just avoiding or delaying a task,” says David Ballard, head of the American Psychological Association’s Center for Organizational Excellence. “It also has to include an aspect that’s counterproductive, irrational or unnecessary.”
- Those triggers typically fall into one of four camps: expectancy, value, time or impulsivity, says Alexander Rozental, a procrastination researcher and a clinical psychologist at the Karolinska Institutet in Sweden. In other words, “People procrastinate because of a lack of value [associated with the task]; because they expect that they’re not going to achieve the value they’re trying to achieve; because the value is too far from you in terms of time; or because you’re very impulsive as a person,” Rozental says. Strategies for overcoming procrastination will vary depending on why it happens in the first place.
"It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end."- Leonardo da Vinci
- If timing is the issue: Many people are inherently more productive at certain times of day. Ballard recommends working around these natural productivity ebbs and flows when you schedule your days. “If you know you work better in the mornings on certain kinds of tasks, schedule it for then,” he says. “Don’t try to do it at a time when you’re tired and it’s harder for you to do.”
- If you get overwhelmed by big tasks: Many people procrastinate because they’re anxious about the outcome of a project, don’t think they can complete it well or fear failure, Rozental says. If that’s the case, it may help to break it into smaller sub-tasks.
- “If you don’t believe in yourself enough to actually conduct a particular task, you can try to do it in smaller and more manageable parts to increase your self-efficacy,” Rozental recommends.
- If you struggle with delayed gratification: Some people have a hard time thinking of a project as important or rewarding unless they’re squeezing it in just before a deadline. In this case, too, breaking a long-term assignment into multiple smaller ones may help, Ballard says. “Find ways to reward yourself along the way,” he recommends. You can even schedule your most frequent diversions — think checking social media or completing non-urgent chores and errands — for the gaps between these smaller chunks to get a quick hit of an enjoyable activity, Ballard adds. “You get those activities done, you get a break and you can shift your mindset for a few minutes,” he says.
"You can’t just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. What mood is that? Last-minute panic."- Bill Watterson
- If you’re easily distracted: First, Ballard recommends optimizing your environment. “Put your cell phone away, turn off notifications on your computer and don’t have 10 tabs open at the same time,” he says.
- If you’re struggling with something larger: Sometimes, what looks like procrastination may actually be a symptom of something more serious, such as depression, anxiety or attention problems, Ballard says. If your behavior is causing you distress or significantly affecting your performance at work, school or home, don’t be afraid to consult a professional. “Get some additional support and help from a professional who can help you manage those so it’s not getting in the way of your job performance or functioning,” he says.
"Procrastination is the bad habit of putting of until the day after tomorrow what should have been done the day before yesterday." - Napoleon Hill
- If you’re simply hitting a wall: Even the most efficient workers have days when it’s harder to finish tasks. With any luck, these lulls will strike when you don’t have a deadline looming and you can “cut your losses and take a break” to focus on taking care of yourself with sleep, exercise, proper nutrition and enjoyable, non-work-related activities, Ballard says.
"My advice is to never do tomorrow what you can do today. Procrastination is the thief of time."- Charles Dickens
Jan 24 2019
Rank #3: Episode 37: Part 1 - Invest in yourself and your brand - who are you, like really?
Episode 37: Part 1 - Invest in yourself and your brand - who are you, like really?
Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. CohenFrom the Free Music ArchiveReleased under a Creative Commons Attribution International License
"The best investment you can make is in yourself." -Warren Buffett
- Why It's Important to Invest in Yourself and Why You're Not Doing It. When it comes to investments, one of the best you can make is in yourself! But all too often, investing in ourselves is a low-priority item; something we think about doing someday. Why is investing in yourself so powerful? Investing in yourself, sends a powerful message to yourself and the world. The message is:
- Time and money are among the top reasons that we give for putting off things that would enrich our lives. But while it's true that you may not have a lot of extra time or money lying around, it's important to realize that often, we cite those reasons not because we really can't afford it or couldn't find time for it, but instead because we fail to recognize the real value in investing in ourselves.
"Formal education will make you a living; self-education will make you a fortune." -Jim Rohn
- Whether it's because we feel that we won't benefit enough to make the investment worthwhile, or if we're telling ourselves that we're just not worth the risk—those are tremendously sad reasons when you think about it! The fact is that we are worth it, and if we don't venture out on a limb or try new things, we'll never be able to grow as a person.
"Man’s life is independent. He is born not for the development of the society alone, but for the development of his self." -B. R. Ambedkar
- Investing in Yourself: Where to Start? There are plenty of ways to invest in yourself and there really is something for everyone and every budget. Here's a look at a few worthwhile investments that can produce excellent rewards:
FitnessEducationExperiencesReading more booksSpending time in natureCreative pursuits—Writing, sculpting, painting, drawing
"There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self." -Ernest Hemingway
"An investment in education is an investment in our future." -David Wasinger
Feb 14 2019
Rank #4: Episode 17 - Gratitude: the 1st step towards spreading kindness
Gratitude: the 1st step towards spreading kindness
Gratitude - a feeling of appreciation or thanks. The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.
- Gratitude makes us happier.
- Gratitude makes us nicer, more trusting, more social, and more appreciative. As a result, it helps us make more friends, deepen our existing relationships, and improve our marriage.
- Gratitude makes us healthier.
"Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot." - Hansa Merchant league
- Gratitude boosts our career. I’m not suggesting that criticism and self-focus don’t have a place in the workplace, but I think we’re overdoing it.
- Gratitude strengthens our emotions.
- Gratitude makes us more optimistic. Gratitude is strongly correlated with optimism. Optimism in turn makes us happier, improves our health, and has been shown to increase lifespan by as much as a few years
"Gratitude is riches, complaint is poverty" - Doris Day
- Gratitude reduces materialism. Materialism is strongly correlated with reduced well-being and increased rates of mental disorder. There’s nothing wrong with wanting more.
- Gratitude makes us less self-centered.
- Gratitude increases self-esteem. Imagine a world where no one helps you. Despite your asking and pleading, no one helps you.
"We often take for granted; the very things that most deserve our gratitude" -Cynthia Ozick
- Gratitude reduces feelings of envy. A small bit of jealousy or envy directed at the right target is motivating.
- Gratitude helps us bounce back.
"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." - William Arthur Ward
-Choosing to be thankful causes you to stop looking outward for external reassurance, but to look inwardly and to remember the good fortune you've had, no matter how little it seems.- All of us could do better in life; that's a fact. But we could also do worse. And alot worse. This is the reality that we tend to take for-granted on a daily basis. In our quest for betterment and self-fulfillment, we tend (or choose) to overlook all the simple blessings that we have received in life.
- My response is that not only will a grateful attitude help—it is essential. In fact, it is precisely under crisis conditions when we have the most to gain by a grateful perspective on life. Don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting that gratitude will come easily or naturally in a crisis. It’s easy to feel grateful for the good things. No one “feels” grateful that he or she has lost a job or a home or good health or has taken a devastating hit on his or her retirement portfolio.
- But being grateful is a choice, a prevailing attitude that endures and is relatively immune to the gains and losses that flow in and out of our lives. When disaster strikes, gratitude provides a perspective from which we can view life in its entirety and not be overwhelmed by temporary circumstances. Yes, this perspective is hard to achieve—but my research says it is worth the effort.
- It works this way: Think of the worst times in your life, your sorrows, your losses, your sadness—and then remember that here you are, able to remember them, that you made it through the worst times of your life, you got through the trauma, you got through the trial, you endured the temptation, you survived the bad relationship, you’re making your way out of the dark. Remember the bad things, then look to see where you are now.
"Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses." -Alphonse Karr
Mar 29 2018
Rank #5: Episode 33 - Part 1 : Family Enstrangement: Choosing to run and cutting your losses
Episode 33 - Part 1 : Family Enstrangement: Choosing to run and cutting your losses
- Do you have family members you choose not to see or speak with? If so, you probably feel very sad about that, especially at a time of year when most families gather together. But if you're also feeling guilty over it, it's time to stop.
- It's more common than you think.In a British survey from 2014, 19 percent of respondents reported that either they themselves or one of their relatives had no contact with the family.
- You probably have a good reason.Most of the estranged people stay away from their families or individual family members to save themselves from dysfunctional situations or behavior. If you're estranged from your family, it probably isn't something you did lightly.
"All in all, punishment hardens and renders people more insensible; it concentrates; it increases the feeling of estrangement; it strengthens the power of resistance." - Friedrich Nietzsche
- Even a seemingly stupid reason may really be a good one.We've all heard about family members who stop speaking to each other over strikingly minor matters. But these things are never as simple as they appear. The breaking point was simply the final item in a dispute that had been going on for years.
"No one is willing to acknowledge a fault in himself when a more agreeable motive can be found for the estrangement of his acquaintances." -Mark Twain
- You probably gave them plenty of chances to make things better.Estrangement doesn't usually happen as a result of one big argument. It takes years for someone to break contact with a family member or family members. It happens gradually, with the family member reducing contact over time before cutting it off altogether.
"I think it's much more radical to see and show things as they look instead of making them somehow subversive through alienation." -Wolfgang Tillmans
Nov 08 2018
Rank #6: Episode 25 - Part 1: Self esteem: May your life be as awesome as it appears on social media
Episode 25 - Part 1: Self esteem: May your life be as awesome as it appears on social media
The Importance of Positive Self-EsteemOf all the judgments we make in life, none is more important than the judgments we make about ourselves. The need for positive self-esteem comes with psychological growth and the desire to trust ourselves.
self-respect and the ability to be comfortable in your own skin and with yourself.Interestingly enough, self-esteem doesn’t have much connection with actual talent or ability. How we value ourselves reflects the way we think, feel and act
"If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete." - Buddha
The development of self-esteem across a lifespan greatly depends on the experiences in a person’s life. In early childhood, our parents/guardians are considered the main source of positive or negative experiences and as such make the biggest impact. Their unconditional and stable love should give the child a sense of security and respect that later will affect self-esteem as the child grows older.
The creation of our self-esteem continues to form into adulthood through our successes or failures and how the messages we receive from our environment affect us (the influence of family, teachers, coaches, friends, peers, work colleagues, partner, etc.). We form an “inner voice” which repeats these messages later in life, either in an accepting and reassuring form or in a heavy, blaming or punishing form.
"The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are." - Carl Jung
Consequences of Low Self-Esteem vs. Healthy Self-EsteemLow self-esteem can have adverse consequences. It can:
Lead to increased likelihood of depression, anxiety, obesity, oversensitivity, stress, or loneliness.Cause problems with romantic relationships, friendships, academic skills or job performance.Create constant comparison with others, perfectionist thinking, high self-blame, inability to try new things, fear of failure, inability to accept compliments.In some cases low self-esteem can lead to increased vulnerability to alcohol and drug abuse.These negative effects work in a vicious circle, negative thoughts and negative expectations reinforce poor self-esteem and the chance of failure, thus leading to more low self-esteem."The sins of the father are to be laid upon the children" - ShakespearePeople with high self-esteem can be recognized through some of the following descriptions:
Do not excessively worry about the past or the future but rather live in the present.Accept individual differences while at the same time consider themselves equal in dignity to others (not superior nor inferior).Understand that they are valuable and interesting, especially to those with whom they have friendships and relationships.Are able to enjoy different activities, show less fear of failure.
"Talk to yourself like someone you love." - Brene Brown
Jun 07 2018
Rank #7: Episode 30 : Part 1 - Being true to yourself and who you are
Episode 30 : Part 1 - Being true to yourself and who you are
What happens if you're not true to yourself?
- You justify your decisionsEvery time we have to justify a reason for not doing something, we’re most likely straying from what we truly want to be doing. If you choose not to do something and feel no need to justify yourself for making that choice, then you are staying true to your own desires. However, once you start piling up reasons as to why you are ignoring what you desire to do, then you need to stop in that moment and ask yourself, “Is this fear?” Because, fear is the never-ending source of all your reasons for not doing the thing you say you want to do.
- You get that small stirring in your gut that you ignoreWhen you make a decision or you say something that is not true to yourself, you will get that pang in your gut. Many people can attribute this to a physical feeling of guilt. This feeling you’re receiving is a gift and, instead of ignoring it, you can acknowledge it, listen to it, and see what is the better choice for you.
"Be yourself, everyone else is taken." -Oscar Wilde
- You quickly pass off “bad” emotionsOur emotions and feelings are incredible insights into our intuition. When we feel anger, it means we are ready for something to change. When we feel guilt, it means we are doing something out of alignment with who we are and what we say we want.
- You abandon yourself (and your desires) in small waysA little critical self-talk here. A mean-spirited gossip about a friend there. A judgmental reaction to someone here. These are small abandons from your true self and, while a couple don’t make a big difference, they start to add up and snowball into long gossip sessions, days of critical self-talk, a judgmental attitude towards others.
"Authenticity requires a certain measure of vulnerability, transparency, and integrity." -Janet Louise Stephenson
- You break promises to yourself (and don’t realize it)Once in a while, these are fine, but again, they add up. Each time you say you’re going to do something and then back out of it, you’re breaking these tiny promises to yourself and it doesn’t feel great to do so. It creates even more of a distance between you and your truest self.
- You attract drama into your lifeThere is nothing redeeming about unnecessary drama. When you start attracting it into your life, you are distracting yourself from yourself. It’s a brilliant plan when you think about it: if you have drama all up in your life, you don’t have the time or energy to devote to what really matters to you.
- You give away your power to someone or something elseIf you are trying to stay true to yourself and it’s becoming fearful, it can be easy to start giving your power away to others. You want their validation. You want them to tell you you’re doing great. You want them to give you a path.
"The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows." -Buddha
- You procrastinateProcrastination is fear in sheep’s clothing! It is fear, fear, fear and more fear. Fear at its finest! At the root of it, procrastination is avoidance. There is no possible way to be true to yourself while also avoiding yourself. These are complete opposites and cannot exist in the same space.
- You feel heavy without realizing itIt’s not until a burden is lifted that we realize how heavy the burden actually was. When we keep choosing to abandon ourselves, subconsciously or otherwise, it weighs on us. However, once we choose again and stay true to ourselves, we feel the lightness that comes from that choice.
"To become authentic we require a thirst for freedom." -Don Mateo Sol
Sep 06 2018
Rank #8: Episode 28 - Loving Yourself: How can you love others without it?
Episode 28 - Loving Yourself: How can you love others without it?
- Most people determine their worth based upon other-esteem. They seek approval and validation from others, and their opinion of themselves isn’t very high unless they get it. It’s basically what you think of yourself. The biggest obstacle to self-esteem is self-criticism.
- Unlike self-esteem which varies, self-acceptance is steady and unconditional. You accept yourself despite your flaws, failures, and limitations. You’re more self-forgiving and let go of self-judgment.
Self-acceptance works wonders. Once you start accepting yourself, you gradually stop worrying what others think and become more spontaneous and natural. Self-acceptance is what allows you to be authentic. You can finally relax, and allow more of the inner, real you to be seen.
Whereas self-esteem is an evaluation and acceptance is an attitude, love combines both feeling and action. Contrary to what many believe, self-love is healthy.
You can’t hate yourself happy. You can’t criticize yourself thin. You can’t shame yourself worthy. Real change begins with self-love and self-care. ~ Jessica Ortner
Most people think too little of themselves, not too much, and often falling in love is merely a compensation for inner emptiness, loneliness, and shame. No wonder most relationships fail (including those who stay together).
People often think that self-love and self-esteem are one and the same. But that’s not true. While they do support each other and are built from similar factors, they are different aspect of the way you view and treat yourself. Having one can help you build the other.
Just as it is not possible to love any person we meet on the spot, it is not possible to love ourselves as of now. But love can grow over time, including self-love. If we want to love ourselves, we should start behaving like someone who we can love!
In order to develop the consciousness state of self-love a third ‘self’ is required: self-compassion. Self-compassion is described as a mindful, accepting and friendly attitude towards oneself. Self-compassion is comprised of three elements: self-kindness, accepting our humanness and interdependence, mindfulness.
Self-kindness entails being gentle and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer or feel inadequate rather than ignoring our pain or minimizing ourselves with self-criticism. Self-compassion also involves recognizing our essential interdependence and that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of our shared human experience.
Self-compassion is not equivalent with self-pity, self-indulgence and egoism. When feeling self-pity we become so immersed in our own problems that we forget that others have similar problems. In contrast, with the perspective of self- compassion we see the related experiences we share with others and widen our view.
Be the love you never received. ~ Rune Lazuli
Compassion for others results from empathy. The same with self-compassion: it arises from self-empathy. Thus, self-empathy is a prerequisite for self-compassion and self-compassion a prerequisite for self-love. The good news is: self-empathy is a skill which can be learned and developed!
In contrast to self-esteem, self-compassion is not based on self-evaluations. We don’t have to feel better than others to feel good about ourselves. With self- compassion the good feelings don’t result from our successes but from the fact that we take care of ourselves – especially when things don’t run smoothly. With self-compassion we behave like a friend would do it: She calls us to hear how we do.
The journey isn’t about becoming a different person. It’s about loving who you are right now. ~ Suzanne Heyn
Research indicates that self-compassion is superior to self-esteem in difficult times. Self-compassion catches us when self-esteem lets us down. People with pronounced self-compassion have more accurate self-concepts, less narcissism and reactive anger, more caring relationships, higher self-efficacy and emotional resilience, they are more likely to reach their goals, suffer rarely from depression and anxiety and recover better from strokes than people who meet themselves critically. Self-compassion is an indispensable qualification for mental health.
How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you. ~ Rupi Kaur
From what I’ve seen, having good self-esteem is more prevalent than loving yourself. And you can have good self-esteem in some areas of your life and not in others. You might be confident about work but not your social skills. When you love yourself, you accept yourself with those shortcomings and it improves your overall self-esteem.
Pay attention to how you feel in different situations. Notice when you feel the most confident and remind yourself you’re the same person in other areas. Love it all—the very good way you handle yourself sometimes—and the times you’re not as good as you’d like to be. None of us are perfect, and it’s okay, as long as you accept that.
When we make peace with ourselves, we spontaneously make peace with the world. ~ Debbie Ford
Jul 26 2018
Rank #9: Episode 25 - Part 4: Self esteem: May your life be as awesome as it appears on social media
Episode 25 - Part 4: Self esteem: May your life be as awesome as it appears on social media
The World Health Organization (WHO) in a worldwide research reports that more deaths are caused by suicide every year than homicide or war. http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Abrams1.html
A survey carried out by Yong Dai, Ph.D., Rebecca F. Nolan, Ph.D., and Qing Zeng, Ph.D. revealed that adolescents who attended church or other religious institutions are more likely to have a higher self esteem than their peers who have no religious affiliation. It suggests that religious institutions play a part in teaching people how to have a positive self esteem and have a healthy view of themselves.
- Don't Evaluate Yourself Based on Others.
A common problem for people with low self-esteem is they evaluate themselves based upon how others react to them. Unfortunately, for several reasons this can frequently lead to a worsening of self-esteem or a negative self-concept:
1. You don't know what others are thinking. You are only observing their behavior which may or may not be a reaction to you.
2. Your interpretations may be influenced by past events. Many times without even being aware of it we react to others because of something that happened to us in the past.
3. Many people have a negative reaction for reasons other than you. Other people, too, have their own histories that cause them to react in certain ways.
4. Others can't truly know you which means their judgments aren't accurate evaluations. You are the only one who fully understands everything about yourself—all your experiences, your interpretations, your intentions, your desires.
"You cannot consistently perform in a manner which is inconsistent with the way you see yourself" - Zig Ziglar
- Focus on Other People (or things)Often, people with low self-esteem are focused on themselves. They are worried about what others might think of them. They are evaluating themselves based upon others' reactions to them. They are apologizing for themselves when they haven't done anything wrong. They may even be critical of others for not showing interest or concern about them. All of these concerns, however, mean that they are inside of their head and focused on themselves. And usually, most of this self- focus is negative.
- Be Direct.As previously mentioned in other steps many people who lack self-esteem are afraid of being rejected. Due to this fear they make their comments and their requests less direct. In which case people are less likely to be responsive. As such, being indirect can become a vicious cycle. People don't understand or hear your requests, comments, or opinions and are not responsive to you. As a result, you may feel rejected and become even more withdrawn and less direct.
Indirect/directSure, being direct can lead to more confrontation or clear rejection of your request or ideas, but at least you know where you stand and it is not based upon irrational speculation. Also, consider that people are not always be in agreement--it is not a rejection of you just because someone disagrees or refuses a request. Recognize it is okay because it is not necessarily about you.
More importantly, directness is likely to lead to increased acceptance and receptiveness. People are more clear about what you want or think and are more likely to react than to ignore you. Be direct about what you want or what you think. People are generally more responsive to directness.
"Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the face." - Helen Keller
- Internalize Positive Responses.
Internalizing the positive responses you get from others is quite possibly the most important of these twenty steps to better self-esteem. To internalize means to make attitudes, opinions, or behaviors part of how you automatically think of yourself.
"The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself" - Bill Gates
- Accept Failure.Many people with low self-esteem view failure as catastrophic. As such, they feel the need to avoid failure at all costs. Unfortunately, attempts to avoid failure often prevent success because avoiding failure frequently means not attempting something that is challenging. Usually, this catastrophic view of failure is due to several reasons: over-identifying failure, globalizing failure and personalizing failure.
"If you care what other people think, you will always be their prisoner" - Lao Tzu
- Visualize Success.
Saying “visualize success” sounds somewhat cliché given all the motivational gurus who have hijacked this term to mean “if you believe it, and can see it, you will be successful.” However, success is more complex than that and cognitive therapy is about being realistic, not about being delusively positive.
- Mentally Rehearse.Once you have developed specific goals through visualizing success and how to achieve it, the next step is to rehearse those goals. This is the step that many people miss. They believe that just having a goal and a plan is good enough. But often, it is not.
"Self esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves" - Nathaniel Branden
- Act with Confidence.Many people view confidence from the wrong direction. They believe “When I have self-esteem, I will act with confidence.” Yet, confidence is a behavior more than a feeling. And behaviors can be produced even when you don't experience the emotion. For instance, have you ever been in an argument with someone, you're feeling intense anger, you receive a phone call, and with a smile and brightness in your voice, you answer, “Hi! It's great to hear from you!”
"Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment" - Thomas Carlyle
Jun 28 2018
Rank #10: Episode 19 - Opinions: Everyone and their dog has one
Opinions: Everyone and their dog has one
"Opinion is the medium between knowledge and ignorance" - Plato
Humans are social animals.
-We spend our entire lives applying for acceptance into a social circles. Whether it be a clique at school, a university, a job with a company, or a movement, we’re always looking for a pace to belong.
-When your community starts to form negative opinions about you, your work, or any other aspect of your life, you naturally start to feel insecure. Your sense of safety dissolves and you feel forced to fight back or run away and hide in your room for the rest of eternity.
1.) Calibrate and trust your internal compass.First and foremost, you have to have a strong sense of who you are.
If you don’t know who you are, anyone’s misinformed opinion can shatter your entire sense of self worth. This forms your internal compass which you have to trust. Trust yourself and trust that you can, and do, make good decisions.
"Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought" - John F Kennedy
2.) Get comfortable disagreeing with others.Just because someone doesn’t agree with you (personally or professionally) doesn’t mean their shitty shit-faced people who should be skewered and fed to a shit load of shitty dinosaurs. As long as you’ve completed #1 you should have no problem having a fun discussion about your differing opinions with others.
3.) Practice, practice, practice.Speak your mind often. But practice honesty with mindfulness and kindness, as previously covered.
Now, don’t go out and start giving unsolicited free advice. That’s annoying. But whenever you’re in a position to give your opinion or contribute to a discussion, do it. The more practice you have speaking your mind, the more negative (and positive) feedback you’ll get. You’ll naturally get better at handling this feedback in a way that’s not self-destructive.
"Stubborn and ardent clinging to one's opinion is the best proof of stupidity" - Michel de Montaigne
4.) Manage your expectations.What are you expecting from this person and what conclusion are you drawing from their opinion? Do you expect everyone to like you or what you do?
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone elses opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation" - Oscar Wilde
5.) Get real.The majority of the opinions other people have about you will not affect you. The world doesn’t change just because people agree with you.
If you’re not ok with who you are, all of the positive feedback in the world won’t make you like yourself while one negative opinion will shatter your fragile, fictional sense of self-worth.
I’m not asking you to ignore everyone’s opinion. I’m not telling you not to care about the opinions of others. I’m not even asking you not to feel bad over negative opinions.
"The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions" Leonardo Da Vinci
Apr 19 2018
Rank #11: Episode 29 : Part 4 - Finding yourself, a tale not just for movies
Episode 29 : Part 4 - Finding yourself, a tale not just for movies
- Prepare to begin again with a clean slate. Develop your own moral conduct and practice sticking to it. Start by overcoming bad habits.
- Organize your world. You may find that having all your other affairs in order will help expedite the process to grabbing a firm hold on your identity.
"There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self."- Aldous Huxley
- Conquering Your WorldImmerse yourself in solitude. Give yourself some time and space to get away from the expectations, the conversations, the noise, the media, and the pressure. Take some time each day to go for a long walk and think.
- Seek out a passion. When you believe in something or see beauty in something, you should do it no matter what anyone else thinks.
"I know well what I am fleeing from but not what I am in search of."- Michel de Montaigne
- Find a mentor. Though ultimately soul-searching can only be done by you and it's only you that determines what you need, having a mentor will be an incredible resource when you hit those unavoidable bumps in the road.
- Sort out your career path. If you're meandering all over the place looking for the right "fit", chances are that you're not happy inside. You could be using the job-changing as an excuse for not fully realizing your true potential. Spend some time free-associating. Think about what you like and don't like; think beyond those things to other ideas that simply pop into your mind while you're associating. Keep a record of these things.
- Bear in mind, however, that work may not be where your "calling" is. If that's the case, you'll need to work out a work-life balance that lets you pursue your "true self" more outside of the workplace, even if this means more hours and less income.
"The searching-out and thorough investigation of truth ought to be the primary study of man."- Cicero
- Changing Your PerspectiveLet go of the need to be loved by all. Accept that some people will think poorly of you no matter what you do. It's important to forget about what everyone else thinks because you cannot please everyone.
This thought is aptly summed up by Raymond Hull: "He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away."
Aug 23 2018
Rank #12: Episode 16: Dealing with hostility, keeping your head while everyone is losing theirs
Dealing with hostility, keeping your head while everyone is losing theirs
- In life; you can't choose the people you deal with, sometimes you can (i.e friends); but in other situations, you are stuck with people whom you may not be comfortable dealing with. That is a part and parcel of life; and you should consider it as a form of testing for yourself. - Don't Respond With Anger and don't inflame. "An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind" - Mahatma Gandhi.It's very natural to get upset when angry people confront you, regardless of whether their anger is justified. However, when somebody is being hostile and angry, reflecting the anger and/or hostility back never works. All you do is inflame the situation and invite further confrontation. Dealing with hostility involves looking at the bigger picture and seeing if winning this battle matters in the context of the bigger war. "Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." – Mark Twain- Don't respond, distance yourself emotionally and don't take it personally. People being angry and hostile doesn't mean that you're responsible for causing it. Sometimes, another person's anger has nothing to do with you. Sometimes the most effective way to hold up a mirror is to simply say nothing. When people are behaving badly, on some level deep inside, they know it. If they are really being hostile and continue to be aggressive, you might just respectfully walk away, saying, "Perhaps we should discuss this another time."“Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.” — Paramhansa Yogananda- TRY to Identify the Cause and being the hero. View another's boorish behavior as an opportunity to gain respect. If you handle the situation calmly and in control, they will know it in their quiet moments of reflection. Furthermore, other people will become aware of the dignity with which you handled the situation, and you will thereby gain respect. Trying to determine why the person you're dealing with feels angry. -Let the person know you want to understand their feelings and perspective. If you don't understand them, ask for more information in a civil tone. They need to know that you really want to hear what they have to say. It's as if you're on the same side of the fence and are asking them for their help so you can understand them. - When working in emotionally demanding roles, chances are that you have to deal with angry people regularly. This "emotional labor" can be particularly draining, especially when people are not equipped to handle these situations."Delicious baked goods were the great work hostility equalizer, no matter how unorthodox the workplace." - Molly Harper- Understand that offensive behavior is just on the surface of who they are. When speaking to them, talk to the deeper person underneath the hostility. Treat them as you would want to be treated. "if you avoid conflict to keep the peace you start a war inside yourself" - Cheryl Richardson- Communicate How You Feel. Sometimes a simple, firm, yet respectful statement like "It's not okay to speak that way" works well. You're simply letting the person know their behavior is not constructive but is, in fact, destructive and hurtful.-You may work or live with a person who frequently experiences angry outbursts. If so, once the anger has passed, it's important to communicate how this person's anger makes you feel.- Stay Safe, and Involve OthersIf you feel threatened by an angry person, trust your judgment. Leave the room immediately if you feel unsafe, or if you're too upset to resolve the situation on your own.Ask your boss or a trusted colleague to work with you to resolve the situation.
Mar 22 2018
Rank #13: Episode 29: Part 1 - Finding yourself, a tale not just for movies
Episode 29: Part 1 - Finding yourself, a tale not just for movies
- talk about movies and the lead needing to find themselves, especially after a major challenge/failure.
- You hear people talk about "finding yourself" all the time and yet most of us don’t really know what it means or why it matters. In fact, I think the term gets sort of watered down. We think of "finding yourself" as this cursory thing we do, on the side, if we have time, after we get the more important work of life done.
We forget what an incredible danger it is to live life without knowing who you are.
"A man’s growth is seen in the successive choirs of his friends."- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A person without a strong sense of identity tends to suffer from:
Not to mention, it can be really difficult to make a decision—even a small one. When we don’t know who we are, we end up spending more time wondering about what other people want from us than about what we want and need for ourselves. Which, of course, can be incredibly anxiety-producing.
"Know yourself. Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers
Lack of Personal Identity and Depression.There is a psychologist and author named Albert Bandura who has done a considerable amount of research around something he calls self-efficacy, which could be translated: a strong sense of self. He makes a specific connection between a weak sense of personal significance and depression.
Bandura says, "A weak sense of personal-efficacy operates on the cognitive source of depression in several ways."
First, it impacts how we interpret positive and negative experiences. When someone with a strong sense of self experiences something negative in their life—anywhere from a bad grade on a test to a death in the family or a personal illness
"All the wonders you seek are within yourself." -Thomas Browne
Second, it impacts the degree of control we believe we have moving forward. When the events of life are less-than-ideal, a person with a strong sense of self puts the locus of control inside himself for moving forward.
"A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it."- Jean de La Fontaine
Third, it influences the story we tell ourselves about personal accomplishments and failures. Bandura’s research actually showed that people with a strong sense-efficacy felt slightly better about themselves socially and emotionally than their peers.
"Sometimes we must lose ourselves to find ourselves." -Sonny Long
How do you process successes and failures as they happen to you?What does this tell you about how much control you have moving forward?What is the story you tell yourself about your personal accomplishments or failures?
When it comes to finding yourself, depression and making big decisions, it shouldn’t surprise us that the mind and body are profoundly and miraculously connected.
Aug 02 2018
Rank #14: Episode 32: Differentiating self confidence and self esteem
Episode 32: Differentiating self confidence and self esteem
Differentiating self confidence and self esteem
-The terms self-esteem and self-confidence are often used interchangeably when referring to how you feel about yourself. Although they are very similar, they are two different concepts. It is important to understand their roles when looking to improve your overall sense of self.
-Self-esteem refers to how you feel about yourself overall; how much esteem, positive regard or self-love you have. Self-esteem develops from experiences and situations that have shaped how you view yourself today.
-Self-confidence is how you feel about your abilities and can vary from situation to situation. I may have healthy self-esteem, but low confidence about situations involving languages because it's not my area of expertise.
"One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to self-confidence is preparation." Arthur Ashe
- Self-esteem and self-confidence seem like pretty much the same thing, but they're not. For example, maybe you can easily get in front of a crowd, give a speech, and command a room, which shows self-confidence, but at the same time, you feel like crap about your own public speaking, which is a lack of self-esteem.
"If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint,' then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced." Vincent Van Gogh
- "Confidence" comes from the Latin fidere, "to trust." To be self-confident is to trust in oneself, and, in particular, in one’s ability or aptitude to engage successfully or at least adequately with the world. Just as self-confidence leads to successful experience, so successful experience leads to self-confidence. Although any successful experience contributes to our overall confidence, it is, of course, possible to be highly confident in one area, such as cooking or dancing, but very insecure in another, such as mathematics or public speaking.
"The courage to be is the courage to accept oneself, in spite of being unacceptable." Paul Tillich
- Self-confidence and self-esteem do not always go hand in hand. In particular, it is possible to be highly self-confident and yet to have profoundly low self-esteem, as is the case, for example, with many performers and celebrities, who can perform before an audience of thousands but then damage and even kill themselves with drugs.
"It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves." Sir Edmund Hillary
- "Esteem" is derived from the Latin aestimare, meaning "to appraise, value, rate, weigh, estimate," and self-esteem is our cognitive and, above all, emotional appraisal of our own worth. More than that, it is the matrix through which we think, feel, and act, and reflects and determines our relation to ourselves, to others, and to the world.
"To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance." Oscar Wilde
"Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing."- Theodore Roosevelt
- Think of qualities others say you excel in. Even if you believe them slightly, this is a step in the right direction.The more we recognize our challenges with self-confidence and self-esteem, the more aware we become of improvements that can be made. This is when positive changes occur.
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. "- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nov 01 2018
Rank #15: Episode 35 : Part 1 - Finding your passion: Searching for the holy grail?
Episode 35 : Part 1 - Finding your passion: Searching for the holy grail?Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. CohenFrom the Free Music ArchiveReleased under a Creative Commons Attribution International License
"Passion without purpose is like a shot without a target."- Ifeanyi Enoch Onuoha
- Carol Dweck, a psychology professor at Stanford University, remembers asking an undergraduate seminar recently, “How many of you are waiting to find your passion?” “Almost all of them raised their hand and got dreamy looks in their eyes,” she told me. They talked about it “like a tidal wave would sweep over them.”
- What Dweck asked her students is a common refrain in American society. The term “Follow your passion” has increased ninefold in English books since 1990. “Find something you love to do and you’ll never have to work a day in your life” is another college-counseling standby of unknown provenance.
"Vision without action is a daydream; action without vision is a nightmare" -Honda Soichiro
- That’s why he and two co-authors—Dweck and Greg Walton of Stanford—recently performed a study that suggests it might be time to change the way we think about our interests. Passions aren’t “found,” they argue. They’re developed. In a paper that is forthcoming in Psychological Science, the authors delineate the difference between the two mind-sets. One is a “fixed theory of interests”—the idea that core interests are there from birth, just waiting to be discovered—and the other is a “growth theory,” the idea that interests are something anyone can cultivate over time.
- The authors then repeated a similar procedure, but they had students read first about either the fixed theory of interests or the growth theory. Again, those who learned that interests are fixed throughout a person’s life were less captivated by an article that mismatched their interests. The authors believe this could mean that students who have fixed theories of interest might forgo interesting lectures or opportunities because they don’t align with their previously stated passions. Or that they might overlook ways that other disciplines can intersect with their own.
- People who have a growth mind-set about their own intelligence tend to be less afraid of failure, according to her research, because they believe smarts are cultivated, not inherent. Interests are related to, but distinct from, abilities, the study authors told me: You can be interested in something but not very good at it. “I’ve been playing guitar for 25 years, but I can’t say that my abilities have gotten that much better in the past 10 years,” O’Keefe said.
"Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work" - Aristotle
- The authors also had students learn about either fixed or growth theory and then exposed them to a new interest: Astronomy. First, they had them watch a video made by The Guardian for a general audience about Stephen Hawking’s ideas. It was easy to understand and entertaining. Then the authors had the students read a highly technical, challenging article in the academic journal Science about black holes. Despite saying just moments ago, after viewing the video, that they were fascinated by black holes, the students who were exposed to the fixed theory of interests said they were no longer interested in black holes after reading the difficult Science article.
Dec 27 2018
Rank #16: Episode 33 - Part 3 : Family Enstrangement: Choosing to run and cutting your losses
Episode 33 - Part 3 : Family Enstrangement: Choosing to run and cutting your losses
- It's always nice to have a support system, especially in times of dire need. And while parents might represent beacons of hope and safety for lots of people, there are many people out there who feel the opposite. While it may seem strange, estrangement is actually more common than you think among US families -- for a multitude of reasons, there are lots of people out there who purposely have no relationship with their parents.
- Several people who are disconnected from their parents took to Whisper, the popular app that provides an anonymous platform for people to share their most honest thoughts, to explain what it's really like to be estranged.
Family doesn't mean the same thing to everyone 'Parents' is just a word Sometimes the right decisions are the most difficult ones Parents should help shape and support who you are, not make you feel bad about it
Just because you can't be around your family doesn't mean you don't love them Is it possible to ever forgive your parents for years of abuse?I don't talk to my dad because of years of abuse.
"The surest sign of the estrangement of the opinions of two persons is when they both say something ironical to each other and neither of them feels the irony." -Friedrich Nietzsche
- Among the saddest people I met in interviews with older Americans for the book “30 Lessons for Living“ were those living in this situation. The destruction of the parent-child bond was a persistent source of melancholy, a feeling of incompleteness that weighed down the soul.
- Fortunately, the elders interviewed for the project offered suggestions from their long experience for avoiding family rifts or patching them up before they occur. Here are several of their tips:
- See the potential rift early and defuse it.The elders acknowledge that once the rift sets in, it takes on a life of its own and becomes much more difficult to repair. The time to act is when the first warning signs show themselves.
- Act immediately after the rift occurs. The elders warn that the viewpoints of both parties harden quickly; in a relatively short time it becomes easier not to make the effort to reconcile than to try to do so. The new reality sets in fast; therefore, the time to “make things better” is as soon as possible after the blow-up.
"Estrangement shows itself precisely in the elimination of distance between people." - Theodor Adorno
- It’s often the parent who needs to compromise. Older mothers and fathers tend to invest more in the relationship as they get older and therefore stand to lose more by letting it disintegrate. Particularly acute is the separation from grandchildren that can occur as a result of the rift. Many elders recommended that parents try their best to “forgive the unforgivable.” Some have had the worst happen, stood on the brink of the rift and decided that it still wasn’t worth the end of the relationship with the child.
"There could have never been two hearts so open, no tastes so similar, no feelings so in unison, no countenances so beloved. Now they were as strangers; nay, worse than strangers, for they could never become acquainted. It was a perpetual estrangement." - Jane Austen
Nov 22 2018
Rank #17: Episode 21 - Trust and trusting people; a side story and warning
Trust and trusting people; a side story and warning
- Loneliness exposes people to a diverse range of significant risks to mental and physical well- being. It affects people of all ages, but is often triggered by particular life events such as bereavement, poor health, or cognitive impairment.
Facilitating social engagement in community activities to promote older people’s self-esteem can help build their resilience. This can then reduce the likelihood that they will respond to scams. Stockholm syndrome and providing support by being there for the victim.
"Don't trust everything you see. Even salt looks like sugar" - Maryum Ahsam
The phrase was reported to have been coined by criminologist and psychiatrist Nils Bejerot. It was formally named in 1973 when four hostages were taken during a bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden.
There are four key components that generally lead to the development of Stockholm syndrome:
A hostage's development of positive feelings towards their captorNo previous hostage-captor relationshipA refusal by hostages to co-operate with police forces and other government authoritiesA hostage's belief in the humanity of their captor, for the reason that when a victim holds the same values as the aggressor, they cease to be perceived as a threat.
"A classic example is domestic violence, when someone - typically a woman - has a sense of dependency on her partner and stays with him," says psychologist Jennifer Wild, a consultant clinical psychologist at the University of Oxford.
"She might feel empathy rather than anger. Child abuse is another one - when parents emotionally or physically abuse their children, but the child is protective towards them and either doesn't speak about it or lies about it."
"It takes 20 years to build a reputation and 5 minutes to ruin it" - Warren Buffett
If it seems to good to be true; it probably is. People can only offer and tempt you, it's your responsibility if you fell for it. To trust or not to trust, that is the question
When in doubt, exercise caution. However, what usually happens to us is that the excitement of the new project makes us open ourselves up too much, to the point of sharing the wrong information with the wrong people.
Take a step back and re-look. If it is REALLY as good as it seems, it can surely wait while you do some due digilience. After all; you owe it to yourself to be careful.
"Trust yourself, you know more than you think you do." - Benjamin Spock
Reliability is undoubtedly the cornerstone. Entrust your wishes and dreams with those who have shown you on other occasions that you can trust them, people that don’t judge you and that always accept you for who you are.
Trust is to be earned
Being guarded about whom I trust is not limited to money situations. I am also extremely careful to whom I provide information I would not want shared. I have learned the best way to keep information private is not to tell anyone, including those you trust.Let me also suggest being cautious of anyone who indicates any religious affiliation. While I am a person of faith, I don’t talk about my faith in business situations or when I am trying to earn someone’s trust. When people start talking about their faith in order to gain your trust, be extra careful.
You have nothing to lose by being cautious, guarding your trust until people have proven they are trustworthy. At the same time, you have everything to lose, including your savings, damaged relationships, and your reputation, if you give away your trust easily.
"Trust, but verify" - Ronald Reagan
It doesn't make what was done right, but it does mean you should have been more careful. BUT we live and learn. Because all of us were once there and have failed too. So; don't be too hard on yourself, but you need to have learnt the lesson.
May 03 2018
Rank #18: Episode 31 - Part 2 : Life, Surviving and Struggling to survive
Episode 31 Part 2 : Life, Surviving and Struggling to survive
- Evolving is painful. But this is what is required to live an extraordinary life. You must give up the "normal" life for something far more valuable. The more you evolve into the best version of yourself, the more you'll be required to give up. You'll reach a point where you'll no longer be able to tolerate negative relationships. Eating bad food. Spending your time on time-wasting activities.
"Live like no one else now, so later you can live like no one else." -Dave Ramsey
"Good is the enemy of great. And that is one of the key reasons why we have so little that becomes great. Few people attain great lives, in large part because it is just so easy to settle for a good life." -Jim Collins, Good to Great
- You have to give up something in order to accomplish something else. All great opportunities costs "good" ones. An extraordinary life costs a "normal" life. You can't have both. You will have to sacrifice something that you value less than whatever it is you ultimately want.
"It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation. " -Herman MelvilleEveryone has different, unique things they'll need to sacrifice in order to begin living an extraordinary life.
But there are 3 things everyone will need to give up.
- Security and CertaintyOne of the cornerstones of an extraordinary life is giving up the safety nets, security, and guarantees of a normal life. Maybe this is a steady paycheck at a job that will never allow you to reach your full potential. Maybe it's the static 9–5 schedule. Maybe it's a guaranteed retirement plan.
- Fear of Judgement"The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you." -Bette MidlerTrying to explain your extraordinary life to others will begin to seem like a lost cause. Most people are afraid you'll achieve the dreams they never did, and so they attempt to protect themselves from that failure by bringing you down. The extraordinary life looks crazy to an outsider. They don't understand it, and they're afraid of it.
- You must ignore this. You will never succeed if you continue to take more stock in what your critics say than what you belief about yourself.
- Other People's Definition of SuccessBut, giving up other people's definition of success is incredibly liberating and ultimately leads to the fullest expression of who you are and what matters to you.It's not a one-time thing. It's a daily habit of comparing less and creating more."Success" doesn't just mean what the larger mob of society says it means: "lots of money, fame, and fortune." Many people with fame, fortune, and lots of money have terribly empty, imbalanced lives. Your success isn't defined by what other people say.
"Success is continuously improving who you are, how you live, how you serve, and how you relate." -Benjamin P. Hardy- No one can define your success but you. If you continue to let others tell you what success is, you'll never reach it. Even if you did, it wouldn't be a true success, because it's not what you really valued. Ultimately, it's up to you what you're willing to sacrifice to achieve an extraordinary life. There is no formula. But one thing is certain: you will need to sacrifice.
- The cost of an extraordinary life is great. Is it worth it to you?
"Keeping an active mind has been vital to my survival, as has been maintaining a sense of humor." - Stephen Hawking
Oct 04 2018
Rank #19: Episode 23 - Part 1 - Jealousy : Smothering love to death
Episode 23 - Part 1 - Jealousy : Smothering love to death
Jealousy is a complex emotion that encompasses feelings ranging from fear of abandonment to rage and humiliation. Jealousy strikes both men and women and is most typically aroused when a person perceives a threat to a valued relationship from a third party. The threat may be real or perceived. It is not limited to romantic relationships but also can arise among siblings competing for parental attention or in friendships.
Jealous - intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness, hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage, vigilant in guarding a possession
Although jealousy is a painful emotional experience, evolutionary psychologists regard it not as an emotion to be suppressed but as one to heed—it is a signal, a wake-up call, that a valued relationship is in danger and steps need to be taken to regain the affection of one's mate or friend. In this regard, jealousy is a necessary emotion because it preserves social bonds. It motivates people to engage in behaviors that maintain an important relationship.
"Jealousy would be far less torturous if we understood that love is a passion entirely unrelated to our merits" - Paul Eldridge
jealousy—fear of losing a lover, lack of trust, anger at real or imagined attention to others, the need to control a loved one. While jealousy can sometimes provoke positivity and a realization of taking things for granted, it's all about the extent of it as we're more inclined to associate jealousy with negative tactics, from vigilance to violence.
The jealous spouse often desperately wants to stop the behavior but finds that he can't control the thoughts which makes him feel miserable. He believes that if he can just prove his suspicions one way or another, he will feel better. The unfortunate fallacy in this thinking, is that trust can never be proven; it can only be disproved. The definition of trust is the belief that something is true. Therefore, without evidence to the contrary, if we want a satisfying relationship, we have to choose to trust the person we love.
"The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torn to themselves" - William Penn
One of the most difficult things for human beings, in general, is not knowing something with 100% certainty. We are often afraid to trust because we are fearful of disappointment and hurt. Yet, these attempts to protect ourselves may actually be the means with which we destroy that which we are trying to preserve. In other words, a woman may eventually destroy her marriage because she is too fearful to take the chance of trusting that her husband is faithful. As a result, she causes the loss and pain that she was trying to prevent.
A fear of vulnerability is the inability to let our guard down, to let another person know us completely. This fear usually derives from a fear of rejection due to the belief that if we let someone else truly know us, we will ultimately be rejected. Again, the fallacy in this belief, is that if we don't allow our spouse to know us, if we don't allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we are preventing the development of emotional intimacy which is essential to any relationship.
"Jealousy is the fear of comparison" - Max Frisch
Emotional intimacy is the most important type of intimacy in a relationship. It is required for the relationship to fully mature. Without it, all we have is the initial surface attraction to the other person which cannot be maintained indefinitely. However, when we find emotional intimacy with another person, we discover the most intensely fulfilling experience that exists. And that is, the full acceptance of our self by another person.
The more you are aware of your behaviors and other's behavior that may maintain the beliefs, then you will be able to make better choices that can allow you to control the jealousy. In fact, the development of awareness can't be emphasized enough. You may need to spend some time at this point to assess your jealousy, the behaviors, and the outcomes based on the behaviors.
"jealousy is all the fun you think they had" - Erica Jong
May 17 2018
Rank #20: Episode 34 : Part 1 - Bad habits - Fighting and overcoming them
Episode 34 : Part 1 - Bad habits - Fighting and overcoming them
- It's easy to think of habits falling into black and white categories -- exercising good, biting your nails bad. But habits also sit on a continuum in our ability to exercise control over them: Some are mild, like taking off your shoes and dumping in the middle of the living every night. Habits become hard to break to because they are deeply wired by constant repetition into our brains.
- But habits are also patterns of behavior and it is the breaking of patterns that are the key to breaking the habits themselves. Usually there is a clear trigger to starts the pattern. Sometimes the triggers are emotional — the wanting a drink or cigarette or nail-biting driven by stress. Other times the trigger is more simply situational and environmental.
"All bad habits start slowly and gradually and before you know you have the habit, the habit has you." -Zig Ziglar
- But these patterns are also usually wrapped in larger ones: This is where are routines come to run our lives. Overall these auto-pilot habit / routine behaviors are evolutionary-wise and practically a good thing; They keep us from having to re-invent the wheel of our daily lives by making an infinite numbers of decisions all day long, which in turn, provide us with more brain-space to think about more important and creative things. The downside of these routinized patterns comes when those patterns land more in the bad-column than the good.
"I have the same friends and the same bad habits." -Nate Silver
- As a quick recap, our habits are driven by a 3-part loop in sequence:
Trigger (the stimulus that starts the habit)Routine (the doing of the habit and behaviour itself)Reward (the benefit associated with the behaviour)The reason why it can be so hard to break a bad habit, is because there are parts of your brain that associate your cravings with the bad habits. 
- So if you have habits you want to break, here are some steps to get you started:
Define the concrete behavior you want to change or develop
"Chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken." - Warren Buffett
Identify the triggers
Deal with the triggers
Develop a substitute plan
- The key here is mapping this out before that triggers have a chance to kick in.
"The secret of change is to focus all your energy NOT on fighting the old but on BUILDING the new." – Socrates
Nov 29 2018