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Stan Tatkin Podcasts

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49 of The Best Podcast Episodes for Stan Tatkin. A collection of podcasts episodes with or about Stan Tatkin, often where they are interviewed.

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49 of The Best Podcast Episodes for Stan Tatkin. A collection of podcasts episodes with or about Stan Tatkin, often where they are interviewed.

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Wired For Dating: A Summary of Stan Tatkin's Book

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In this episode we discussed Stan Tatkin's book Wired For Dating and how that could help us in dating.

Transcript:

[00:00]

So the topic tonight is we're going to talk about STEM Takins award for dating. And so I can really talks about neuro biology and. Attachment theory, and so really, it's about. His work is really about, he says to when you're in a relationship, is 10 nervous systems interacting with each other, which is the reason why people can end up arguing over silly things, which is really what they're arguing about. So in the breakout rooms we were discussing.


[00:46]

What happened in your relationships or relationships that you think? And just before we we open up the discussion or just a couple of people say, just so everyone knows what's going on. So what we do here is we have a chat here in the main room. And the the chat here is recorded when you go into the room is private and then the recording you can catch. So if you've missed any time, you can listen in. What I'm looking for is an example of maybe and oftentimes we can't really explain why we get into these arguments.


[01:33]

But just looking for some real life examples so that we can we can use them to illustrate the principles and bring some clarity to them. Does anyone have anything that they were talking about in the. In the breakout rooms that. They could share. So if you want to I me to come you. Yes, I was talking with Sasha, so she left.


[02:05]

So she told the people I mean, in arguments in relationship, when the argument happens, the couple argues like a child is.


[02:19]

So the reason is because of lack of communication and I mean too much expectation.


[02:28]

So that's her answer. But my answer was that, I mean, since they love each other and they know each other so much, so they're connected to each other and they also called themselves like baby or things like that. So they're going to love each other. They act like a baby. Similarly, when they come correct, like when they are caught, they also act like baby.


[02:52]

And if they would have argued without relationship, I mean, they're not familiar with each other or maybe they are colleagues, they might not have like argued like childish childishly. And the other reason is that when they argue they know so much detail about themselves, like they used small details, like somebody says that your I mean, snoring is not good enough. I mean, your dress up is not good. And so this kind of small little things are used in arguments to hurt each other.


[03:26]

So this kind of small little things, when I brought in these kind of arguments, these are also components of babies like childish like arguments. So this is my I mean, thought about why they I mean, when they argue they act like childish. Well, they may not be childish. Well, I'm not saying it's not, but it might be that these things have annoyed them for a long time, like snoring, for example, but they just haven't mentioned it before because everything was fine and dandy and, you know, and there was no underlying problem.


[04:00]

So he didn't mention it. They just thought it. And then when something else is annoying them, then I'll bring it up. So it's actually just simmering under the surface.


[04:08]

So while they're arguing about the snoring, but it's not really about snoring.


[04:13]

Well, yeah. Yeah, probably not. No, they've brought it up. Yeah. So there's actually underlying issues on other issues.


[04:21]

You know, I think that's just a lack of being able to communicate around those things. So say like someone's got an issue with snoring or I think most of it is borne out of not expressing what you want clearly, and then not finding a sort of like mutual resolution to it looks like a win win situation or.


[04:44]

I think that's probably where it kind of yeah, and I think also because people aren't really clear on what they want. Only when they feel like they feel like I'm reading them what going on and just react. Yeah. But as you said before, it's sometimes a symptom of something that's an undercurrent. And so it's something that in good times you would probably tolerate, even though it is something that you wouldn't like. I have been through snoring and it drives me crazy because I wake up very irritable because I can't sleep.


[05:31]

And the response that I used to get is, what do you want me to do about it? So which says to me, you don't give you know a lot about me because you know that I need to sleep.


[05:48]

Therefore, that just escalates and escalates when if everything was lovey dovey and also very nice and stuff, you would try to find a way to de-escalate the tension. And, you know, what's that? What's happening. But because there is something else that is driving you bonkers or you're angry about that causes the explosion.


[06:14]

Well, for me, it causes me to just. I lash out with a pillow and a knife. No, I am I don't need any tools. I'm just very, very honest and very caustic. And so my husband will tell you, when you speak sharply, you cut like a knife. I'm sorry. It's nothing to boast about, but it's the truth. That's what he said.


[06:43]

Yeah, but not in that situation. His response basically meant he doesn't care. It's a lack of respect for you. Exactly. He's not doing anything about it. He's not trying to solve the problem.


[06:54]

So why does he feel like that? Because presumably, like five, 10 years earlier, he didn't. So why is he ended up like that?


[07:00]

I suppose it's a power play. It was a power play. Power play, OK? Did you have two bedrooms in the house, you could just or just left yourself maybe, I don't know, just no, no. He lives in Jamaica and I live in the UK.


[07:16]

And you can hear him when he when we are together in London.


[07:24]

But I believe that I mean I mean, living in two separate rooms will not solve the problem.


[07:33]

It will. I mean, make the problem deeper because you. I mean, living together, maybe they could I mean, make some kind of point. But if they're separate and they're lives, I mean, living in two separate, you can make the situation worse. There is quite a number of people that they sleep in separate bedrooms.


[08:04]

Yes, it depends on based on their preferences. But for me, I believe there may be whatever problems is happening. The problem is happening between these two people. So if they're working together, maybe try to find some common ground, then it will escalate the situation by living separately. Maybe that helped them come down at some point, but constantly living separately will make the situation worse.


[08:32]

This is not a start in the end, though, separate. But what I don't know is not necessarily because, like I, I know my girlfriend, we both sleep much better when we're on our own because it is hard, you know, like if you want to sleep early one week later and and just if you've been used to being on your own, you sleep better. So I don't know. But a lot of couples like if someone is snoring all the time and I can't change that.


[09:11]

My solutions, yeah, there are I don't know, but I do know that there was quite a sizeable number of people that do things separately. I suppose I think is unique, I think. I don't think that's necessarily. The end of a relationship or the start of the end of the relationship, it can just be a way then they they work out. As Colum pointed out, though, it's about the response that you get when you mention something to your partner.


[09:47]

It doesn't have to be about snow or it's whether they take it on board and even if they're not very active in terms of changing it. But at least they respond to you as though they're willing to do something about it to to reduce your impact that is happening on you. You know that. Yes. This is you're not happy about this and with good reason they will try to meet you halfway. It might not work because like, for example, snoring is very hard to resolve.


[10:22]

But if you're trying to make an effort. Then I would feel as though, OK, fine, you are trying to help the situation, but if you are not, then it says data for you.


[10:38]

Just as a show of hands, how many people and if you can resolve it, if the reactions down the volunteers, a show of hands, how many people have heard of attachment theory?


[10:52]

OK, and what was a question of it's such a mystery and does anyone know what attachment style they have that without just if you read it?


[11:05]

I think, Michael, I think I go through different attachments. I think sometimes I'm sure sometimes what's the other one, depending on what's the other one where you don't want? Well, for the fourth one's not very common, though, is it?


[11:27]

No, actually, I don't have the percentages and I. Yes. Is that the one are you talking about anchor and Wave and whatever? Yeah, although it's not secure, anxious, anxious, avoidant and ambivalent, fearful. I think I'm very avoidant sometimes, all the times I'm anxious and sometimes and completely secure, OK, depending on on.


[11:57]

Yeah, I mean we go through stages I think.


[12:00]

Yeah. How we feel like if you're with family, well, assuming it's a good family, then you're probably going to feel more secure than if you were in a situation you like your new workplace, you don't really know anyone. You're probably going to be the context is going to determine some of that. So roughly. OK, so we'll get into attachment actually a little bit. But first of all, I just want to give some background for anyone.


[12:31]

Oh, yeah. The other thing was how many people have read the book or listen to the TED talk. So one, two, three. To talk. Yes, there was a TED talk or attachment theory. Now it was where we stand. Stand by. Anyway, I'm going to I'm going to run through that. So I'm just going to meet everyone now. There's no background noise. And then. We'll discuss in a minute. OK, so really.


[13:15]

Being in a relationship can become frightening because suddenly. Your future and your autonomy is caught up with someone else's. And so it means that you've lost what is the feeling of loss that a sense of identity when you're single, you can just make a decision and can do whatever you want to do. And when you're in a couple, you then there's someone you have to check against. And especially if you're raising children, then. It's not just how you parent them mean, it's also how your spouse, partner's parents and often you might have different styles.


[14:05]

And so you have this sort of. You don't have that freedom, so. Really, when we're born, we're born into. Into a context, we're born into a family and this someone who's looking after us. And. That. That introduction to the world. Is what's going to slum everything you see of the world from there on? It doesn't mean that you're condemned to to to that style, but it means that's the style that you that you have.


[14:47]

And different parents obviously vary in how well they are. Able to look after you, how much space, how much stress they have, whether they have postnatal depression, whatever the context of their relationship or and how the living circumstances and all of those. Factors determine how you grow up. So this is so attachment theory really is based in your earliest experiences of the world. So when we're born, we're completely helpless and we're dependent on. Of caregiver, which is usually definitely when attachment theory came out, was mostly the mom, but whoever is mainly looking after the child.


[15:39]

So as a baby, we both completely helpless. We there's nothing that we can do for ourselves and we can't even ask. And so some parents are naturally maternal, paternal, and they'll respond and they'll be able to work out the latest nappy, change the food in comfort. And now so the only way that the baby can ask for help is by crying, so. What attachment theory is really about is how responsive that parent is, determines the trust that the baby has in that person and then that trust in that person shapes how they see the world.


[16:24]

So a person that has a secure, responsive, caring parent looking after it tends to trust other people more. So there's a story of six men and six women come across an 11. And one of them's got its trunk and one of its leg and one of them is a one of them's got its main body and one of them's going to tell and whatever other partners. So then you've got. Like six different people that have six entirely different interpretations of what an elephant is, and they describe it to each other and they they can't like, you know, your life because it's not like that.


[17:18]

So their experience, because they can't see the whole they've only just they can kind of feel around apar. They have different experiences in the same way. We all have different experiences in the way they grow up. And this is attachment theory in terms of how responsive main caregivers. But it's also about a culture. It's also about our family. It's about our religion. And all those factors shape how we first see the world and then everything that we see after that.


[17:52]

Is based on the initial initial view of the world. So. So we're going to look at numbers, about 50 percent of people are securely attached, 20 percent are anxiously attached. Twenty five percent are avoidant and five percent are fearful. And so. So what happens when someone has a really responsive, caring mum or dad? They then feel like they're going to trust them and then they're going to trust other people, so. So when I first did research on how they discovered this was they noticed that children were about to have free would some would really cry when they separated from their mom and some...

Nov 03 2020 · 1hr 43mins
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Couples Therapy with Teacher and Researcher Stan Tatkin | S1:EP16

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Today on Dear Sex Podcast, renowned relationship therapist Stan Tatkin joins Wendy as they deep dive into romantic attachments and how our primal needs drive them as part of our human condition. Tatkin is the founder of the PACT Training Institute and the developer of PACT—A Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy. Author of numerous books on dating and love, Tatkin understands relationships in many ways others don't.

Sep 17 2020 · 40mins

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2 Types Of Narcissism & How To Avoid Them - Dr. Stan Tatkin, Ph.D. - 304

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A lot of podcast listeners ask about narcissism so I thought I’d find an expert.

Stan Tatkin is that guy.

He did his dissertation on narcissism. So this one gets really dense. Stan reminds the listener that if you find yourself with a narcissistic person, you might want to look in the mirror. Gulp.

 

Shownotes:  
  • 7:50 Introduction Dr. Stan Tatkin
  • 17:05 What is a narcissist person?
  • 26:45 The second form of narcissism
  • 38:30 How narcissists perceive their relationships
  • 47:30 Is it possible to recover from a narcissistic behavior?
  • 49:40 How do you spot a narcissist?
  • 54:15: The difference between a healthy amount of selfishness and being a narcissist
  • 59:30 Are narcissists capable of experiencing love?
  • 1:04:30 What can we do for ourselves if we are around narcissists?
  • 1:07:15 Action Step
Aug 20 2020 · 1hr 10mins
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How to Earn Secure Attachment in Relationships - Dr. Stan Tatkin - HPP 55

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Wanting to build a strong and lasting relationship is never an easy undertaking, especially in today’s times. There are a multitude of factors and distractions that can easily affect the integrity of an already fragile relationship. This raises questions and concerns, and the need for us to truly understand what we must do to repair it and make it even stronger.

Throughout the years, couples are constantly facing massive challenges and hurdles to the point that they can barely keep their relationship afloat. Oftentimes, these struggles lead to deeper and darker questions about the stability of the relationship and inevitably causes the once loving union between two individuals to unravel.

In today's exciting episode, we talk to Dr. Stan Tatkin, a renowned and highly respected couple therapist about the challenges couples face in all aspects in their relationship. Join us as we dive in head first to find out the significant factors that cause relationships to fail and discuss remedies and solutions to avoid it from happening from a scientific viewpoint – all the while discovering possibilities of revitalizing relationships.

Shownotes:

  • Tatkin's early origins and how he eventually got involved in psychology
  • PACT, and its uniqueness to approaching relationship therapy
  • Understanding secure functioning and how it plays a role in a relationship
  • Why relationships face extreme struggles in today's culture
  • Defining secure versus insecure functioning and the methodology used in relationship therapy
  • Respecting differences in values and how it impacts relationships later in life
  • The nature of being human
  • Understanding the automatic brain and how it can affect the couple relationship
  • The fluidity between automation and the individual core guiding principles
  • Attachment versus non-attachment, and their significance in relationship mortality
  • Having a clear, unique and purposeful goal in a relationship

To learn more about Dr. Stan Tatkin:  

***

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Jul 08 2020 · 1hr 4mins
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Episode 11 Addendum-- Stan Tatkin on Somatic Therapy and Rob Fisher Interview

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In April of 2020, Rob Fisher joined us for the Somatic Episode (Episode #11) and I rushed it out because it provided some much needed grounding as COVID-19 began spreading to the United States and we entered into those early days of sheltering in place.  Releasing the episode quickly meant that I was unable to get Stan Tatkin's take on the interview with Rob.  It is now June of 2020, I caught up with Stan and he provides his great sense of humor and wise PACT-context on the somatic interview with Rob Fisher.

Jun 28 2020 · 26mins
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For Better or For Worse with Dr. Stan Tatkin

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Marriage vows are being tested worldwide as we are in the midst of a global pandemic that has forced billions of people to stay home. In addition, in the US, we are at 30 million people, unemployed and millions of children trying to school from home by parents emotionally unequipped to take on a burden while they themselves are trying to make sense of their own worlds, fears and concerns. 

Right now – many people are seeing perhaps where their greatest strengths are in their partners as well as their weaknesses. 

People are probably questioning their choices and wondering what to do next once the world re-opens. 

The traditional marriage vows we are all familiar with date back to the Book of Common Prayer, originally printed in 1549 which say 

"to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death us depart." 

But how would we know if this person your are dating or married to is really the one, for example, you can be locked up in a house with for two to three months during a pandemic? 

That’s why Ameé has back on today Dr. Stan Tatkin – couples expert and author of many books including Wired For Love and Wired for Dating to talk about his book We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love.

In this episode, you will hear: 

  • How our unseen fears may be impacting our relationship
  • How attachment affects our style of relating to one another
  • How to “Sherlock” any potential candidates
  • Why a “mission statement” is important for a couple or a person

Resources:

Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure

Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate

We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love

Dr. Stan Tatkin’s Website

Jun 28 2020 · 1hr 11mins
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Stan Tatkin - Finding Love and Relieving Relationship Tension During Covid

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Relationship stress has been growing as we're cooped up together, here are amazing tools to ease the tension with your partner. Dr Stan Tatkin, legendary relationship therapist and author of Wired for Dating and Wired for Love, teaches us techniques to break the tension and return to a place of caring for each other. Valuable relationship insights for today and always, whether you've been together for years, or are just at the beginning.
May 11 2020 · 53mins
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TU121: Redefining the Purpose of Relationships During Quarantine with Stan Tatkin

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With the tsunami of unclear and contradictory yet potentially life-threatening information coming at us right now - it's no wonder there is so much conflict within groups that are/were quarantining together. Reasonable people can interpret the suggestions very differently, in this episode we go into how to navigate how to manage right now.
May 08 2020 · 52mins
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Stan Tatkin: What Keeps Two People Together?

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“This idea of needing people or feeling needy…that is the natural state of the human primate,” says Stan Tatkin, renowned therapist and author of We Do. Through his work with couples, Tatkin has developed a keen understanding of what makes relationships work—and what makes them tank. He shares his principles for developing and maintaining a long-term relationship, and he explains how our early attachment styles affect how we express and respond to intimacy as adults. Find out whether you’re an island, wave, or anchor—and how to allow for a healthy amount of dependency in a partnership.

(For more, see the goopfellas podcast hub.) 

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Nov 06 2019 · 50mins
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Stan Tatkin: Looking at Attachment Theory in Couples & Romantic Relationships - Part 2

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Karen Buckwalter concludes her conversation with Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, about examining couples and romantic relationships through the lens of attachment theory.

Tatkin is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, and developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. Dr. Tatkin also teaches and supervises family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente, Woodland Hills, CA, and is an assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Tatkin is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as a member on Relationships First Counsel, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt.

Dr. Tatkin received his early training in developmental self and object relations (Masterson Institute), Gestalt, psychodrama, and family systems theory. His private practice specialized for some time in treating adolescents and adults with personality disorders. More recently, his interests turned to psycho-neurobiological theories of human relationship, and applying principles of early mother-infant attachment to adult romantic relationships.

Dr. Tatkin was a primary inpatient group therapist at the John Bradshaw Center, where among other things, he taught mindfulness to patients and staff. He was trained in Vipassana meditation by Shinzen Young, and was an experienced facilitator in Vipassana. He was also trained by David Reynolds in two Japanese forms of psychotherapy, Morita and Naikan. Dr. Tatkin was clinical director of Charter Hospital’s intensive outpatient drug and alcohol program, and is a former president of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, Ventura County chapter. He is a veteran member of Allan N. Schore’s study group. He also trained in the Adult Attachment Interview through Mary Main and Erik Hesse’s program out of UC Berkeley.

Sep 17 2019 · 34mins
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