253: How to Keep Children from Wrecking Your Relationship - The Baby Bomb with Kara Hoppe and Stan Tatkin
How do you keep your relationship strong despite the pressures that child-rearing can create? And how can you leverage your attachment styles in how you show up for each other to improve your relationship along the way? Our guests are Kara Hoppe and Stan Tatkin, co-authors of the new book "Baby Bomb: A Relationship Survival Guide for New Parents" - one of the few books that tackles the impact that raising a child can have on your connection. Whether you're expecting a new baby, or already have children in the mix, today's episode will give you the tools you need so that you can weather the storms of parenting while celebrating its joys. As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Also, see below for links to our other episodes with Stan Tatkin. Sponsors: Want something new to entertain you? 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Resources: Check out "Baby Bomb" on Amazon Get more information about Kara Hoppe and her offerings To learn about his trainings and retreats, visit Stan Tatkin's website Here are links to our other episodes with Stan Tatkin (prior to this one): Episode 19: Recipe for a Secure, Healthy Relationship Episode 50: Wired for Dating and Love - Psychobiology Episode 150: Attachment Styles and Relationship Repair FREE Relationship Communication Secrets Guide - perfect help for handling conflict and shifting the codependent patterns in your relationship Or...check out the Secrets of Relationship Communication complete course! Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner's Needs) in Your Relationship (ALSO FREE) Visit www.neilsattin.com/baby to download the transcript to this episode with Kara Hoppe and Stan Tatkin. Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out Transcript of this episode: Neil Sattin: I think we've either seen it happen or maybe even experienced it ourselves, that the addition of a new life, a new being to a family can create big changes, and some of those changes are amazing and wonderful and life-enhancing, and some of those changes can feel almost cataclysmic. And so we are here today to talk about how to navigate a new edition to a family, whether it be a baby or adopting an older child, or even if you've had children in your life for a while and experienced the impact of children on your relationship. We're going to talk about how to steer your couple-ship in a way so that you can strengthen your relationship and strengthen with each other and with your children, and hopefully have a little bit more joy and a little less cataclysm. To have today's conversation, we have two very special guests: one is Kara Hoppe, who is a marriage and family therapist. And the other is Stan Tatkin who you may be familiar with from being on the show before, the author of, Wired in love and Wired for Dating among other books. Neil Sattin: And together they have written the book, Baby Bomb: A Relationship Survival Guide for New Parents. Because as we were chatting about before this interview started, there aren't many resources to help people not just navigate what's going on with a new baby, but actually navigate how that impacts their relationship and how to have a strong relationship, despite all the ways that the new addition or additions to your family might make the waters a little rocky. I don't know why I'm going with the boat metaphor today, but it's happened. [laughter] Kara Hoppe and Stan Tatkin, it's a pleasure to have you here today on Relationship Alive. Stan Tatkin: Thank you, Neil. Kara Hoppe: Happy to be here. Neil Sattin: Great, well, we're off to a good start. [laughter] So I sometimes like to do this, which is to start at the end, and in your book, Baby bomb, which is great by the way. You offer 10 guiding principles for how to help couples stay strong in their relationship, despite however having a child in their life may be impacting the relationship. And at the very last guiding principle that you have, I'm going to just read it verbatim here, I think I dog eared the page. Guiding principle 10: You and your partner parent and partner with sensitivity, respect and trust. And I wanted to start there because, for one thing, I'm not even sure people necessarily nail that down before a child comes along. Kara Hoppe: Right. Neil Sattin: And so much of getting things strengthened and resilient has to do with those very things, so I'm wondering if you can talk a little bit about why those things are so important, sensitivity, respect and trust. And why their absence might lead to some of the common things that people experience when a new edition actually throws things into chaos. Kara Hoppe: Yeah, Neil, I love it that you started at the end, the last guiding principal. And I immediately when you were saying it, was thinking about the beginning of parenthood, when two people become parents, neither one of them really know what they're doing. They've never done it before. No aunt or uncle or godparent experience speaks to that. And so they're both learning in tandem how to do this, so it's a really vulnerable experience. So having that respect and sensitivity and trust in themselves and in their partner as they learn how to do this is so critical, right? I'm thinking about when we brought Jude home from the hospital, neither one of us knew how to burp him. And it's such a simple thing, but I didn't know how to burp a baby, nobody had taught me before. And I remember watching Charlie do it and feeling in my body like, Oh God, like fear and wanting to jump in. But then pausing 'cause I wanted to give him, the respect, like he was giving me the respect to learn how to do it. And all of that increased our participation in showing up for our son Jude, but it also made our relationship feel like a safer place for both of us to kind of fumble around learning how to be parents together and be witnessed as parents together. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Yeah, so much of what you talk about in the book has to do with battling in some ways the cultural expectations that we have, and I think some of that includes this assumption that you're somehow going to know what to do. Kara Hoppe: What they need. Right. Neil Sattin: And so I appreciate your highlighting that it's a very vulnerable act to suddenly have a child in your arms. Or If you're a step-parent, to find yourself with an older child potentially in front of you and to not necessarily know what to do. There are all these ways that we're fighting internal messages that we've gotten from culture, from family, etcetera. Kara Hoppe: Right. That idea of the maternal instinct kicking in. Like, yes and maternal instinct doesn't cover burping, it doesn't cover putting on diapers, it doesn't necessarily cover even breastfeeding. All of that has to be taught in real time, learning how to do it. And so there can be a lot of internal pressure because of that external pressure that if I don't know what I'm doing, I'm somehow failing, and that can be asseverated of course, we know like partners doing that to each other. And like, "Come here, I'll take the baby, I know how to do this." And just cutting each other down. And what Stan and I really wanted to do with Baby Bomb was to help people recognize the importance of supporting each other during this vulnerable experience and how they could do that with really practical ways, and we just wrote the book to walk people through that journey of how to show up for their relationship that way. Neil Sattin: Yeah. So lest we make any assumptions here about what sensitivity, respect and trust mean, can we do just kind of a quick breakdown of what you mean by sensitivity, what you mean by respect, what you mean by trust? Interested in reading the transcript for the rest of this episode with Kara Hoppe and Stan Tatkin? Visit neilsattin.com/baby to download the full transcript of this episode!
Dr. Stan Tatkin: The Impact Having a Child Has on Couples - Part 2
Attachment Theory in Action with Karen Doyle Buckwalter
Karen notches her landmark 200th episode by welcoming returning guest Dr. Stan Tatkin back to the show for an extended conversation about his new book Baby Bomb. Parts 3 & 4 with his co-author Kara Hoppe will be released on November 2nd and 9th
Dr. Stan Tatkin: The Impact Having a Child Has on Couples - Part 1
Attachment Theory in Action with Karen Doyle Buckwalter
Karen notches her landmark 200th episode by welcoming returning guest Dr. Stan Tatkin back to the show for an extended conversation about his new book Baby Bomb. Parts 1 & 2 are with Tatkin, parts 3 & 4 will be with his co-author Kara Hoppe.
EP 139: Attachment Theory, Interdependence, and Rewiring from Threat to Love with Dr. Stan Tatkin
Sex Birth Trauma with Kimberly Ann Johnson
In this episode, Kimberly and Stan discuss attachment theory, styles of learned attachment, and ways to maintain healthy relationships. They discuss attachment theory regarding parent-child relationships as well as romantic partners, differences between codependence and interdependent relationships, and how to work towards mutually beneficial relationships even during conflict. Tatkin believes that with proper understanding and/or coaching, all humans can sustain loving and beneficial relationships despite conflict. Bio Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy®. Tatkin has written many books based on his attachment and relationship work such as Wired for Love and most recently Baby Bomb. Tatkin created the PACT Institute in 2010 with his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD, to train mental health professionals to think and work through a psychobiological lens in their clinical practice. What He Shares: --Definition of Attachment theory --Attachment styles (Islands, Waves, and Anchors) --Co-Dependence vs. Interdependence --Single and step parenting --Handling conflict What You’ll Hear: --Attachment theory is felt sense of safety and security of infant and primary caregiver --Secure and insecure reactions of infant, child, adult --Island, Wave, and Anchors as learned attachment behaviors --Island preoccupied with independence and autonomy --Wave encouraged to stay dependent --Co-dependence as one-way street --Interdependence as two autonomous beings in agreement of stakeholders in relationship --Healthy relationships always being two-person system, not individual --Couples as co-architects creating culture around them --Thinking big picture in a relationship --Importance of vetting before a relationship --Focus on perfect relationship: safety & security, love & affection, admiration & growth --Relationship/children hierarchy --Single parents moving to relationships --Evolution of pair-bonding in herds --Interrupting stress patterns during conflict to remember benefits of other person --Put something in place to remind each other to keep from harming each other --Humans wired for threat, have to work through emphasizing love and benefits for individuals involved Resources website www.thepactinstitute.com IG: @drstantatkin
Dr. Stan Tatkin and Kara Hoppe, psychotherapists and co-authors of Baby Bomb: A Relationship Survival Guide for New Parents, join the podcast to share their wisdom on creating secure, purposeful relationships in a world that is indifferent to us. They explain why this relationship is so imperative, especially when it comes to raising healthy, happy children.Stan and Kara both bring a wealth of understanding of neurobiology and personal relational experience to this conversation. We talk about the importance of humor, how suffering can motivate us toward change, and how we can shift from being feeling-centered to purpose-centered in our relationship. All of this ultimately makes us better parents and creates a secure relational foundation for our children. In other words, this is how we parents can make it through the overwhelm, heal wounds for future generations, and begin to create the world we want to live in.Whether you’re expecting your first child, are deep in the throes of raising children already, or just want to be a parent someday, this conversation is for you. RESOURCES:Learn more about Dr. Stan Tatkin, his upcoming trainings and retreats and more at https://www.thepactinstitute.com/ Follow him on social media: Twitter, Facebook, InstagramLearn more about Kara Hoppe and her upcoming virtual retreats for couples at https://www.karahoppe.com/ Follow her on social media: Twitter, Facebook, InstagramBuy their book, Baby Bomb: A Relationship Survival Guide for New Parents, on Amazon or Bookshop.org.Listen to Rebecca’s conversation with Dr. Stan Tatkin from Season 1 of the Connectfulness podcast, Episode 6 “Why Are Relationships Difficult? With Stan Tatkin”connectfulness.comIf you enjoyed this episode and want to dive in deeper, consider joining one of Rebecca’s online offerings to deepen your relational skills and expand your Self care. Learn more at connectfulness.com/offeringsAlso, please check out the new WHY DOES MY PARTNER short form weekly podcast. This podcast is not a substitute for counseling with a licensed provider.
#78 We Do: Tools for Sustainable Love Relationships | Dr. Stan Tatkin
SuperPsyched with Dr. Adam Dorsay
What is the biggest predictor of our happiness? According to a study conducted for over 80 years at Harvard, it is love. Full stop. But our brains can go to fear and other places that interfere with sustainable, loving relationships. While our brains have evolved to ensure we continue to multiply and increase the population of our species, those same brains haven’t simply evolved to improve long-term relationships without some assistance. Fortunately, my guest, Dr. Stan Tatkin (https://www.thepactinstitute.com/), has the assistance all of us need! Stan is a couple therapist, a neuroscientist, and a UCLA Medical School clinical professor who has studied how our brains function and malfunction when it comes to love. His latest book, We Do, is easily one of the finest books I have ever read on relationships. Stan brilliantly weaves neuroscience, Attachment Theory, and so many other research-driven findings into a user-friendly and comprehensive model of how we love. His model called PACT, which stands for “Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy,” can improve anyone's love life in dramatic and unforeseen ways. So, join Stan and me as we talk about how you can increase your happiness through improving your long-term love relationship.
Parenting Without Losing Your Partnership When Baby Arrives - Stan Tatkin and Kara Hoppe - 350
The Relationship School Podcast
If you’re a parent, you know that bringing a new human into your life is a drastic change. It can be difficult to maintain a balance with your own needs, the needs of your partner, and the needs of your baby, especially for the first few years. If you and your partner aren’t prepared, it can also be problematic for the parent-child relationship. Listen as I talk with Dr. Stan Tatkin and Kara Hoppe about how better partners make better parents, their new book Baby Bomb, and how learning to be interdependent creates a safe and healthy relationship “cushion” for the whole family. Useful Links https://www.instagram.com/karahoppe/ Baby Bomb: A Relationship Survival Guide for New Parents https://www.thepactinstitute.com/
Building The Perfect Relationship with Dr. Stan Tatkin
Being Well with Dr. Rick Hanson
Relationships are hard, and making them last is even harder. Today we’re exploring how we can be happier and healthier in all of our relationships with a wonderful clinician, teacher, and researcher: Dr. Stan Tatkin.About our Guest: Dr. Stan Tatkin is an expert on human behavior, and particularly the unique dynamics found in couples relationships. He’s the creator of PACT: the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy, and the author of six bestselling books, including Wired for Love and We Do.Life After COVID Summit: Join Dr. Rick Hanson, Forrest Hanson, and a roster of world-class experts during this FREE three-day online event to explore our life after COVID. Click here to learn more about the Summit and register now.Key Topics:1:45: The importance of attachment. 5:30: What happens when children are neglected?9:00: Finding safety in our relationships.13:30: How to build safety through physical cues. 19:10: Apology, and building a culture in our relationships.23:00: Finding common principles. 31:00: Dealbreakers, and entering relationships intentionally.37:00: Fairness in our relationships. 45:30: Being and staying interested.49:15: Trusting your partner’s experience. 54:50: The most important characteristics in a life partner.57:00: What’s the most important thing you do each day for your own well-being?58:30: A message to your younger self.1:00:00: RecapSponsors:Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month! Explore your creativity at Skillshare.com/BEINGWELL and get a free trial of their Premium Membership.Want to sleep better? Try the legendary Calm app! Visit calm.com/beingwell for 40% off a premium subscription.Connect with the show:Follow Forrest on YouTubeFollow us on InstagramFollow Rick on FacebookFollow Forrest on FacebookSubscribe on iTunes
Best Of The Aware Show with Dr. Stan Tatkin: Fix Your Relationship
The Aware Show
Are you having challenges in your relationship? Would you like to have better communication with your partner? Today Lisa talks with Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT. Stan is a well-respected teacher, clinician, researcher, and developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). He is a noted expert on human behavior and couple relationships. In today’s interview, he shares communication tips and tricks and explains the importance of non-verbal cues and body-language, whether with your partner, friends, or in a business setting. He also discusses online dating, character issues, texting, and implications of social media. Stan speaks and teaches worldwide on secure-functioning relationships – how to understand them, create them, and support them. Info: https://www.thepactinstitute.com/
Encore - Stan Tatkin - Finding Love and Relieving Relationship Tension During Covid
Just in time for Valentine's day- here are some great tools to ease covid relationship stress tension. Dr. Stan Tatkin, legendary relationship therapist and author of Wired for Dating and Wired for Love, teaches us techniques to break any tension that can build up and return to a place of caring for each other. Valuable relationship insights for today and always, whether you've been together for years, or are just at the beginning.